ALI

I miss you today more than the usual. I don't know if it has something to do with the talk Ate Diane and I had. I had to message Maan earlier this day because I just can't contain my longing. As i have told her, it's not like the heartbreaking longing, more like craving for your company. I miss the times we talked to each other, whispering as Karen says.

I couldn't move on even if i want to, J. As much as i want to. If only that's easy because truth be told, i don't like seeing you having a hard time. When we saw each other the week before and you were teary eyed when you were about to say something, my heart shattered. I wanted to hug you right there. How i wish you could just tell me what is it that will make everything okay. I want to put you first. Even if it hurts, what will make you happy is what i will do.

Ate Diane and I had lunch today and as per usual, we talked about you. I opened my bottled up feelings, things i haven't told her before. Talking about you stings, J. I tell them i want to move on from you but truth is, i don't. And i know it's wrong to love you still even though you guys are still together despite her knowing. I guess i really should ready myself when you tell me to move on already, to stop having feelings for you.

I wish July come faster. I don't want this agony to be prolonged. I want it to end and i hope when we have that conversation, we can truly be honest to each other and not beat around the bush.

12:35

We had a relapse. We met again and all is well. Like some things never happened. Like we haven't actually said our goodbyes. It's harder now, knowing that she knows. I don't know what to feel or how to react when you told me she caught you. To be honest, i am a bit relieved that at least she knows you had fallen in love with someone else while she's away. At least it will give me a fair fight (i don't actually know what's fair anymore). And if what you're saying is true then i'm glad you told her part of the truth. She deserved that because if tables were turned, i'd rather i hear it from you than hear it from someone else or catch you red-handed.

I missed you. Of course i did. But, J, i think i am slowly moving on. It doesn't feel euphoric as before though i am still happy when I'm with you, i am not as ecstatic as i was months ago. And maybe, that one thing you're going to tell me on July is something i have been dreading to hear though i've heard it countless of times before. The apologies, the i-don't-deserve-you speeches, the i-can-only-love-you-as-a-friend kind of talk. I'm immuned to those. No need to be scared of hurting me. I've heard worse. But not to fail my bravado, i'd still be hurt no matter how many times i hear those words. Especially if it comes from that person who, at some point in your life, you want to spend the rest of your life with.

11:33 pm

Tonight i find myself crying again, curled up in a ball, clutching against my chest. My heart's aching again. And it hurts the same way it did the day after we said our goodbyes.

I'm drowning in a flood. Life threw me too many lemons and i don't know how to make a freaking lemonade. Life's hard. My grandma's in the hospital. I've lost interest at work. I am not happy with my job anymore. I want to quit. The only thing that's stopping me from tending my resignation letter is the fact that my family wants this for me. And i know how much they pride themselves of having a daughter who works in the bureau.

I'm tired of living, actually. I know there are thousands and millions of reasons for me to continue living but somehow none of them makes sense to me. Nothing can get into me anymore. It's like i have really given up on life and I'm just waiting for one triggering factor to drive me off the edge.

I haven't been coming to work the past few days. I just stay at home and lie down until sunset. I do nothing but stare at the ceiling and cry. My tears seem endless. Like i have buckets of them inside my body.