𝑯𝑬𝒀 𝑵𝑬𝑹𝑫

libby: so long as you don't make me eat snails, i'm down, lol.

libby: also no catacombs ):

eleanor: iccccccky, i won't be eating snails either so you're good for that

eleanor: soooooooooo... this paris trip....

eleanor: who wants to be my partner??

“why would you feel like you don’t know me? i was seventeen when that happened, eleanor! i’m a different person now. you know me better than almost anyone,” they defended themself, sighing as their voice got too loud to be standing in the hallway of their apartment complex after dark. they opened their door and walked inside, letting eleanor follow them to their bedroom so that they could speak privately. they admitted their secret in private, then winced as their girlfriend started apologizing.

“don’t-” they hissed, not feeling like they deserved pity. regardless of why they had attacked their classmate, they had still almost taken a man’s life. spiritually, they knew that they had to pay the price for that. maybe losing the best person that had ever loved them was that price. “you don’t understand. it wasn’t him, eleanor. he killed her when i was eight.” she was crying and it was agonizing for atenáti to witness. when eleanor cried, it made them want to physically destroy whatever had caused those tears to begin with. but they’d been destroying themself since long before they ever met her. they didn’t know how to make her feel better. it was like a sixth sense : they knew that eleanor wanted to be held. but how could they ask her to trust her angelic woes to the very claws that had almost torn a man apart?

with a groan, náti moved to their window and put their blunt back to their lips, lighting the end and breathing in deeply as they sat down under the moon and let smoke waft from their lips onto the wind. they spoke the story like it wasn’t their own, calm and detached. “i was seventeen. there was a specific group of guys that always gave me shit. i was even more masculine when i was younger, before my body filled out and my hair grew out …” they touched the space where their hair used to be, fingertips landing on bare skin, “so guys at school fucked with me a lot, trying to make me prove if i was a girl, or a boy — one of them, witali, followed me down the hall. it was the nine year anniversary of when my mom was killed, and everyone knew it. everywhere i went i heard whispering. and he started yelling at me. i just remember feeling so … sad. and broken. and angry. like i had nothing to lose. i started yelling back, people were circling around us. he got in my face and pushed me. i was so skinny i almost fell down.”

they took a long drag again, looking down, unable to glance in their girlfriend’s direction out of fear of what they might see in her eyes. a humorless chuckle was muffled by the blunt, lips tilting up to blow out more smoke, ”but the funny thing was that i didn’t even notice the people around us. i blacked out, eventually. and when i woke up he was under me and my counselor was pulling me off of him. i didn’t know what had happened or how far it had gone, i just kept hearing him in my head, saying that i couldn’t possibly be a two-spirit … two-spirits are sacred. leaders, protectors, elders. if i couldn’t save her, how would i-” their voice broke, teeth biting down on their lip hard until they could swallow the lump in their throat. “as soon as he said her name i blacked out. i’ve never done anything like that since. i worked for his family that summer to help pay his medical bills. i fasted, i prayed, i — there’s nothing else that i can do. it happened and i can’t take it back. so, i’m sorry that i’m not who you thought i was,” they looked down, flicking ash out of the window. “you don’t have to stick around. no one would blame you, least of all me.”

  she frowned in confusion - it wasn’t him ? eleanor sat on their bed, leaning against the wall as she listened to them speak. it was . . . heartbreaking. listening to them talk. she didn’t feel scared of them. in fact - she very much felt the opposite once she heard the explanation.

it only made her feel worse for not picking up --- damn it, why didn’t she just pick up . . . eleanor stood off the bed and walked towards atenáti. she was speechless ; she wasn’t sure what to say. it made sense, now. why they blacked out, why they attacked the guy. it was his fault for being a prick, eleanor thought. he was heartless for even bringing their mother up.

eleanor stood beside atenáti. she placed her hand on their cheek and turned their face towards hers. “ i love you, atenáti. ” the girl whispered. elle looked them in the eye, her face only inches away from her partner’s. “ forgive yourself, náti. it wasn’t your fault. ” her voice was gentle. there was no point in using a harsh tone. her heart had finally slowed down.

                              “ don’t be so hard on yourself for what happened. ”

náti couldn’t stand the way that eleanor couldn’t even look at them. it hurt deeper than they could ever express, to finally have let themself open up to someone and believe that maybe they did have a chance at a normal, happy relationship … only to be completely brushed off as soon as their past caught up to them. they’d been thrown to the side with no chance to explain until they had already suffered to the point of numbness. “maybe if you had answered my call - any of my calls - you would know that already, eleanor,” they said her name almost like a weapon, tone harsher than any they had ever even thought of using toward her in the past. 

their heart was sinking into their stomach, anger boiling up to fill their chest in its place. every instinct inside of them was screaming at them to end this now before they were hurt even more. sure they’d thought eleanor was their true love. the best thing that had ever happened to them. the most pure thing in their life. of course they wanted to fight for her, but — she won’t even look at you. you never deserved her. but they were shutting down, more willing to push the girl away than they were to try to work through the memory of the day and justify their actions. it was too painful for them to talk about even still. there’s no excuse.

“it’s true. every word of it.” they locked their jaw, eyes starting to sting. but they knew they wouldn’t cry. their body always know when somebody else was around, and they just couldn’t. ever since they were young. “he did it. killed … my mom. my dad. got locked up. that’s why you’ve only met my grandma.” their mouth was dry, making them want to talk even less. “everyone … knew about it. back in high school at st. regis. we all grew up on rez so they all knew. and some were … cruel, to me.” they didn’t address their own actions. couldn’t. spelling out their biggest shame to their purest love was a pain they didn’t think they could stand.

    anger wanted to come out. but eleanor was quick to lock it up. “ can you blame me for not answering after reading that? ” arms crossed, she leaned her weight on her back leg. “ i was scared, atenáti. for the first time in my life, i felt like i didn’t even know you. ” the words she instantly regretted saying after they left her mouth. tears cause her eyes to look glossy. “ it’s not fair to blame me for not picking up. ”

eyes widen. she didn’t know that their father did that to their . . . mother. “ oh my god, ” tears now dampened eleanor’s cheeks. she held her hand to her mouth, unable to move. she felt BAD. how could she have not been there for them? what kind of girlfriend was she? “ i’m . . . i ---- ” what was she supposed to say? was there anything to say? eleanor let silence fill the air. “ i’m so sorry,  atenáti. i .. ”

she couldn’t hold it in anymore. tears pour from her eyes ; so much so that she could barely see her partner in front of her. she was just a blur. “ i should have been there. i shouldn’t have let you go through that alone. ” eleanor was so conflicted. part of her thought it was reasonable to need time to herself after what she’d read but the other part thinks she should have given them a chance to explain. now that she heard what their father had done. . .she realized she didn’t blame them for attacking him.

“ i’m sorry .. ” she sobbed. “ i’m so sorry. ” eleanor wants to move closer to the other but is too afraid they might back away instead of embracing her. that would hurt. & she didn’t need to be in more pain than she is already in.

atenáti was sitting in their bedroom window, a blunt lit as they slowly breathed in and out. like most nights, they were thinking about eleanor, unable to fall asleep. smoking in hopes that maybe the high would knock them out and make them forget that everybody knew the thing they never wanted anyone to find out about. 

it had been over a week. nothing. they were still processing what they assumed was a break-up. they’d barely had the nerve to show their face in classes this week, had skipped all of their clubs. spent all of their time praying, making sculptures and sketches, smoking themself sick. since the night they’d cut their hair they’d felt raw and yet void at the same time. things easily triggered their temper, their tears. the normally stoic young femme had been abnormally moody and unstable. so they’d just hidden away, unwilling to share that side of themself with anyone. not even her. 

a knock startled them, mind in a half-haze as they took a quick drag and then tapped the blunt out, blowing out the window and then heading for the door. looking around, no one else had gone to answer, so they assumed no one was expecting anyone. when they opened the door, their heart skipped a beat, dark confused eyes fixating on their clearly upset partner’s face. or, ex partner’s. they still weren’t sure.

their lips parted, but nothing came out until they cleared their throat and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind them and crossing their arms loosely. “yeah?” their voice was monotonous, their eyes averting away from her. being abandoned by her in their time of need, not knowing what was going on or how long it would last — it had all left them with their guard up, loosing months of progress in a matter of days.

  the tone in their voice was enough to break eleanor. ‘ don’t you cry .. don’t do it .. hold yourself together. ’ her eyes meet theirs. “ atenáti--- ” eleanor said quietly. saying their name didn’t feel right. she hadn’t said it in what felt like forever. she inhaled ; her breath shaking. eleanor tried to keep eye contact with them but couldn’t. she looked anywhere but into her partner’s eyes. “ is it true? ” her voice was still soft. she was trying not to cry.

it was seemingly all the girl could ask .. all she could get out of her mouth. she needed to hear it from them. the truth. eleanor looked at her partner through big green eyes -- the whites of her eyes were bloodshot from both trying not to cry & the bad night sleeps she’s recently had. elle sniffled. “ is it true - what the blog post said you did? ” she repeated.

part of eleanor figured it was true. the other things said on the blog seemed to be accurate. but part of her was hoping it wasn’t. part of her wanted to pray to god that it wasn’t. almost beating a man to death? eleanor’s brows upturned slightly. her heart was still racing in her chest as she waited for an answer. she fiddled with her fingers.

all she wanted right now was to be held. to break down in their arms. to apologize for ignoring their calls & letting them go to voicemail. but right now, she knew she couldn’t. eleanor needed to hold herself together. to get answers. to finally put her mind & worries to rest.

   eleanor couldn’t believe it. she wouldn’t. how could they do something like that? tears streamed down her cheeks ; the light from her laptop lighting up her face. she had reread the blog post about atenáti - what they had done. she heard the voicemails. listened to them more than once. but she tried her best not to answer. not to give in.

she was heartbroken. it felt as though someone had punched her in the gut. eleanor was in love. she never suspected her partner could do something so . . . scary. it got to the point of having nightmares at night. there was no escaping the secret. no escaping what the post had said. eleanor knew she would have to talk to them eventually. but what would she say? how would she feel when she saw their face? would her feelings towards them change? so many questions ran through her mind but so little answers.

she was getting ready for bed, anxiety filling her chest. though it was early in the night - 8:30pm was quite early for eleanor. tossing and turning - trying to sleep was useless. the brunette sat on the side of her bed, taking a few deep breaths.

sigh. she had to do this. it had been a week at this point without talking to atenáti. she couldn’t wait any longer. still in her pjs, eleanor put on her coat and boots and made her way to náti’s apartment. her heart was pounding & in her throat the entire time. she stopped at the door, raising her hand. but she didn’t knock. eleanor just .. stood there for a moment. she was physically shaking. the girl let out an uneasy breath before knocking on the door and waiting for her partner to answer.

       “ i . . . ” her hear flutters. butterflies fly in her stomach & cheeks warm up + flush pink. “ i’m in love, ” eleanor bowed her head, trying to hide her smile. “ right now. i am. ” images of atenáti float in her mind. “ with atenáti. ” she hadn’t really thought of being in love. of finding complete comfort in someone else. it hadn’t happened many times before -- once or twice. “ i don’t know what i would do without them. truthfully. they’re my other half. ”

    “ when I was younger, my family had this tradition where once a month we would save up money and buy ingredients to make pizza and cake from scratch. it always ended up horribly -- flour went everywhere, the pizza sometimes had little to nothing on it. it was amazing. i loved every second of every time we did that. ” 

zephyr was one of the unlucky ones who had seen nadia hit the floor. he and jane had just come back down from the roof and had were just getting used to the crowd again as the screams had erupted. “yeah, shit happened to nadia,” he responded, frankly unsure of how else to expand on the topic. zephyr had rushed to find his loved ones as soon as the panic broke out and hadn’t stayed to seen the rest of the scene. “i’ve gotta stay,” zephyr replied simply, shaking his head. he didn’t explain why, feeling as if the reason of him wanting to find his loved ones to be too much. zephyr swallowed the lump in his throat at eleanor’s question, eyes darting to the ground for a moment before looking back at her. “all i saw is her hitting the floor. she drank something and seconds later she was on the floor. i didn’t see anything after that.” despite the gravity of the topic, he spoke about it almost nonchalantly. tragedy wasn’t an unfamiliar topic for him to talk about and it showed.

   eleanor rose her hand to her mouth in disbelief ; tears instantly forming in her eyes. ---- they were no longer looking for a murderer. they were looking for a serial killer. hands begin to shake. “ did she .. die? ” she was hesitant to ask but she needed to know. somewhere inside her, she knew the answer. she knew he was going to say yes which would scare her to bits. but there was a slim chance that .. maybe nadia wasn’t dead. maybe she was just passed out from being too drunk.

atenáti had seen it all. after fighting with eleanor, they’d been making their way through the crowd when the figure a few people to their right tumbled to the ground. as soon as they realized what was going on they made a beeline for the room in which they’d left eleanor to cool down. regardless of their fight, this was life or death. the police had ushered them out, frustrating them, their cheeks flushing red uncharacteristically over emotion-paled skin. “eleanor!” náti grabbed her as soon as they saw her through the crowd, pulling her in to a painfully tight hug. they pulled away quickly, taking her hand. “come on, we’re leaving right now. i’ll explain in the car.” whatever buzz they had was gone, and more than anything they just wanted to get out of there.

   eleanor was beyond happy to see her partner. her hands were physically shaking from fear. she felt comfort being in their arms. the girl felt bad for getting so upset. so jealous. elle backed away. “ i’m sorry, atenáti. ” before she knew it, she was being pulled by them. once they had reached the car, eleanor sat & watched the commotion. people were still scrambling ; looking for answers. “ what the fuck happened in there? ” she turned to náti and asked. her voice was quiet. she almost didn’t even want to know what happened.

9 = how many friends does your character want?

not a lot tbh. she prefers having a few close friends than a big group of friends

10 = what would your character make a scene in public about?

if she found out she was being cheated on

15 = what is your character afraid of?

nathaniel was corralled out of the event space much like everyone else. however, unlike the populace who was there to donate out of the good of their hearts, nathaniel had gotten drunk out of the good of his heart. tolerable was never a world that would apply to nate anyway, however the pressure and solemn reminder of everything was enough for nate to numb himself with the aid of hard liquor the entire night. when that first glass smashed and the entire night collapsed upon itself, an unspeakable weight befalling every single member of the party, nate ( for the first time in his life ) was clueless. he had become intoxicated by the bar before becoming victim to a ravenous crowd. he had somehow managed to find himself on the front lawn with no recollection of how he got there, and had succumbed to lay by a tree whilst his mind continued to spin. but still, even in his state… he knew whatever it was, it was bad. “as horrific as this is, i don’t know,” nathaniel spluttered out to the face before him. his eyes narrowed as eleanor’s name came to mind, and he looked to her hopelessly as he turned back to the door. something chilling drifted through nathaniel’s system, and he didn’t know what. in his vulnerable state, nate felt his lip quiver as he slowly unravelled. eleanor would be the only person in the world to have seen him like this. “my deduction tells me i should be scared. frightened. that we’re not safe anymore.”

     be it as a shocker .. eleanor was glad to see nathaniel. the last thing she wanted to be right now was alone. worry and fear were the only expressions on her face. her heart hurt. she felt .. empty. “ it’s okay, nathan, ” her voice was soft. gentler than usual. she looked up at him ; noticing the state he was in. elle had never seen him like this. in fact, she didn’t think anyone had. she wasn’t sure if this would be the right thing to do .. if he would be okay with it . . . eleanor leaned forwards, wrapping her arms around him. her eyes filled with tears.

the sight didn’t entirely shock zephyr. he’d seen people die many times before, but this time it rocked him more than before. unlike the people in his father’s cult, nadia was entirely innocent and didn’t know what she was getting herself into. it left a pit in his stomach and it felt like something was caught in his throat. zephyr tried to stick around at the ball for as long as he could, making sure his friends got out safe. he was thankful when eleanor approached him. even if was visibly rattled by the scene, she was okay. at this point, it was seemingly all he could ask for. “i have no fucking clue,” he shook his head, hands burying deeper into his jacket pockets. zephyr was less prepared in comforting someone than he initially had thought. “did you see it all? you should get out of here before any more shit happens.”

      although she didn’t know exactly what had happened -- her only expression was worry. something BAD had happened ; that was for certain. she shook her head. “ no --- no, i didn’t. i overheard someone talking about nadia but i don’t know what the fuck happened. ” eleanor was glad she didn’t have to be alone in this moment of fear and confusion. “ we should both leave, zeph. ” the last thing she wanted was for someone to get hurt. if a hectic childhood taught her anything it was that when you put worried and scared people in one space, it would surely not end well. “ before we go ... can you tell me what happened in there? ”

náti’s brows furrowed as they watched eleanor tell little white lies to their face. “you are mad, el. you’re not a good actress.” the comment was snarky, a response to the way that their nickname had been flung from their girlfriend’s lips like a bomb to detonate in place of the compliment she’d given. but she was right about one thing: if they were going to argue, they didn’t wanna do it out here in front of the whole school. with a sigh atenáti pat elian’s arm, “i’ll catch you later,” they told him with a slight nod, looking at eleanor and then walking ahead of her to hide in one of the many unused hallways that went to the main ballroom. their heart was beating quickly by the time they both got there, náti’s arms crossing defensively now, long thick braid hanging over their arm. “i told you i was looking for you. you’re the whole reason i came to this thing. i don’t understand what you’re upset about – it was a last minute decision. i was just trying to make you happy.”

     eleanor couldn’t help but roll her eyes at being called a not good actress. it wasn’t her fault atenáti could see right through her. she followed close behind her partner, stopping once they got into the hallway. “ i’m upset because you didn’t tell me. ” she leaned against the wall. “ because i didn’t know you even came here just to find you having a grand ol’ time with someone else. ” eleanor clenched her back teeth. she hated being jealous. it was unfair. she didn’t want to be in this argument ... it just kind of happened. and it was surely too late to stop it. “ i’m sorry náti. ”