Beyond The Sea

The first thing I need to say is I am sorry. I know that word is one thrown around by us frequently and can lead to upset and self deprecation, but I am using this word in the way that it was meant to be used.

I am sorry.

These past few months I have been hell to deal with. I have had insane highs of joy, sass, sarcasm and laughter and have loved spending time with you. But I have also had desperate lows, isolating myself from the world around me, sinking into my own depression to the point where I considered giving up what I’ve been working hard for.

There were moments where I felt I needed space and time to deal with my own feelings. That your feelings were too much for me or something I couldn’t handle. I made you feel as though that was your fault, but it wasn’t. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and everyone feels. You feel deeply and all at once and that is okay.

I have pushed you away so many times when I am crying out for help and for relief from my burdens. The distance doesn’t stop you from being there for me, even in the desperate of times, and I throw up my ‘fuck it’ wall and shut down.

My actions are abhorrent.

I’ve never told you this, but sometimes the rows we have are my need to distract me from my responsibilities. If I argue with you, everything can stop being my fault and my problem and I can transfer that onto you.

What kind of girlfriend does that?

I am ashamed.

My personal therapy IS for both of us.

I am using all the coping mechanisms I know when in reality, I’m drowning. It’s a whirlpool of work, University, us, not knowing what I’m doing, organising my life, my parents... I can’t swim, I don’t have armbands and the pool’s currents are turning in to rapids.

You are standing at the side of the pool with a rope that I could grab onto easily, I just refuse to.

That is where I am.

I don’t expect you to forgive me for how I have been. I have not been the girlfriend I know I have been, nor can be. You are my partner and I don’t want to lose you, but if my behaviour is too much right now, I completely understand.

I’ve lost my way.

I’ve lost who I am and what I want.

You are the most important thing in my life. I will never love anyone else and I know that. I have had a difficult past and am struggling with my present, but you are my future.

I hope we can move on from this. I’ve started to make steps towards a better now and a more organised way of life, but I know I can’t do it without you.

I am sorry, Ian.

I will love you always.

Lucy.