The Bexley Post

The Bexley Post Rises: Official Teaser

       Secret information regarding the usage of hallway cameras and internet filters to monitor student activity was divulged by 29-year-old former office-worker Ed Frosten this week. 

     Frosten told the Post in what he thought was an anonymous interview that the BSA (Bexley Security Agency) created a program called PRISN in order to monitor student activity and prevent bullying. 

     "I tolerated working on PRISN for the BSA for nearly 12 years," Frosten explained. "[The program] used dozens of secret security cameras to monitor students, and it just felt wrong. I had to get out."

     Frosten said that in the late 2000s the BSA began to focus more on internet security and began to make deals with the library and other computer labs to establish web surveillance systems such as "Barracuda" and "iBoss."

     News of the BSA's activity enraged many students and faculty, who claimed that the surveillance programs infringed too heavily on students' privacy and civil liberties.

     "I had no idea the school was monitoring us like this and just don't feel comfortable with it," said junior-senior Jane Ramn."I think it also should be made clear that this didn't begin yesterday -- it began with the Kellogg administration years ago."

     The district responded on the defensive by sending out a letter to families of students by denying claims that the security cameras were used extensively.

      "Every teacher has been debriefed on this program," superintendent Michael Jordan said in the letter to the public. "The student body has to make a decision whether they want student civil liberties or rapid [terrorism]."

     Still, many students are wondering just who the leaker Frosten is, after reports that he fled the county and was declared a traitor came out.

     "It is likely that [Frosten] fled to either Union and Madison county where the jurisdiction of the Bexley police is minimal," said local sheriff Marl Rogers, "To fully escape prosecution I have heard reports that he was granted amnesty by an island on Lake Erie."

From the January 2013 Issue 

by Nikki Rewlins - News Editor

     The school district agreed to issue an arsenal of medieval weaponry to school staff in order to protect students from intruders.

     The decision was made due to the increase in school intruders across the country, said School Safety Advisor Marcus Rulang, and warranted increasing security.

     "The National Rifle Association called for having armed guards in every school, but that idea was highly criticized," Rulang explained. "We decided to tone this idea down a notch by implementing use of highly dangerous medieval weapons to every staff member."

     Each staff member was given a suit of chain mail, two swords, one dagger, five pikes, three lances, two javelins and one cross bow as a small standard, Rulang said.

     "Now teachers, custodians, administrators and the like will all be able to defend invading persons, such as a Mongol warrior," Rulang explained. "With every staff member wielding a silver broad sword, forged from the fires of Gaul, there will certainly be more comfort in our student's hearts."

     Rulang added that teachers with 10 years or more experience at the school were given bonus weapons for extra fortification. These weapons include hand cannons, sparths, pollaxes winged spears.

     Superintendent Michael Jordan added that the Cassingham Complex building itself will be taking security measures.

     "To protect against battering rams and firey cannons from the West, we will need to build our walls higher, and have archers at the ready at all times," Jordan explained. "Our laborers will lay down the sacred mortar and build our uncrushable stone walls twice, no, thrice higher!"

     Jordan added that the District will strike down any foreign army who dares to penetrate its hallowed estate.

     However, the decision has not been met without opposition. Many students and teachers feel that the security measures should go even farther back in time. One such student is Marcarla Banister, who disagrees with the medieval decision.

by Marcus Remaw - Staff Reporter

BEXLEY, OH - Many houses in Bexley will be removed this summer and replaced with deciduous trees after city council decided in a 7-4 vote to take this action to gain "Arboretum" status.

     City Councilman John Richards explained that the Fifth Amendment allows the government to take away private property to benefit the public as long as there is "just compensation."

     "As a former Constitutional law scholar, I can assure the public that this is completely legal," Richards explained. "As long as we give the owners of the houses we bulldoze proper compensation, everything will be justified."

     This compensation will come in the form of firewood and scrap from the debris of the people's bulldozed houses, Richard added.

The post sent Opinion Writer Jane Lewish out to review some of Bexley's most popular restaurants that either existed in the past or don't yet exist.

#1: The Bexley Monk

            You set your time machine to the early 2000s. You put on your radiation-resistant cyber glasses and press a series of command functions on the mother board. You plug in the correct latitude and longitude coordinates. Within minutes of travel through intraspace, you have reached the Bexley Monk. You step out, but unfortunately a car slams into the machine and destroys it. You hurriedly stride into the glamorous eatery, as the time-vortex has made you very             The first thing you would notice if I went to the Bexley Monk would be that there's a smoking and non-smoking section.  Choose smoking if you're cool.             You sit down in a booth and not order anything to drink because Verve has not yet been invented. You stuff the buttery bread into your face. You run back into the kitchen and start tossing food into your cyber-pack. A man comes out and starts shouting at you. It's time to go.

The Monk receives 3/5 stars for good bread and good plates, but no Verve.

#2: Moe's Southwest Grill

            You are running down Main Street, avoiding being hit by cars mostly produced in the late 90s. You run into Moe's Southwest Grill. You see a man working in the back of the restaurant. He bears the blue mark of a time-traveler. You hop over the glass counter, landing on a vat of black beans.

            You take out your gamma-gun and blast the traveler's head off. Grabbing the man's keys and a quesadilla to go, you run out behind the building. The deliciously sweet salsa mixes well with the spicy ground beef, and it all comes together when the tangy cheese hits your palate.

            You find the man's cobalt car. But this is no car, in reality. You hop inside, and press the transformation button. "Aha, success!" you say as the car changes into a late 2660's time-Gallandrax, perfect for high speed travel.

            You set the time for 2013, but accidentally press another 0 as you hit the vortex dial, sending you to 20130.

Moe's receives 5/5 stars for good black beans and great Gallandrexes.

#3: BxlyPzza20genX+

            It has been more than 20,000 years since the birth of Christ. The smoggy earth still stands, but is guarded by vicious insectian warlords known as Krogs. The Krogs love two things: human flesh and Pizza. Fortunately, this meant that Bexley Pizza Plus survived the firey takeover of 3000 and became BxlyPzza20genX+, or Krakorashaganowak in the Krogs' native tongue.

            You step outside of the Cobalt Gallandrax, taking off your cyber glasses. Krogs begin to swarm around you, but fortunately the Gallandrax has a changeling device. You place your hand over the transformix, and you have become a Krog. The swarm dissapears, and you walk into BxlyPizza20genX+ and order a meat lovers.

            Finally you can enjoy some peace and quiet. You sit outside on the electra-patio, stuffing your exoskeleton with meaty pizza. The texture of the pizza is simply exquisite, and blends well with the tart sauce. You ask the waiter-bot, "what's in this stuff?" He replies, "Preserved flesh from the Battle of 17776." You are disgusted. What terrible service.

     Across the board, the school's fall sports teams have won every state championship or tournament in every sport this season despite facing problems with referees earlier in the year.

     Athletic Director Ramona Felter said the immense success is due to the school's new "blood doping" tolerance policies which were adopted in early October.

     "From the beginning of the season, we were continually disappointed with the OHSAA's poor choice of referees," Felter said. "Teams were losing left and right by tight margins, and across the board coaches were complaining it was the [referees'] fault. We needed a boost."

     That boost, Felter explained, came in the form of a new medical practice known as "Blood Doping" which was introduced by Athletic Trainer Doug Rich.

(Week of October 8th)

Monday- Wear the colors of France, Chile, Australia, Liberia, Thailand, Norway, Russia, Iceland, Cuba, or Great Britain.

Tuesday- Celebrate the worldwide event that ended almost 2 months ago!

Wednesday- *Highly Cultured Mean Girls Reference*

Thursday- Girls wear tiaras, I guess?

Top Violent Urban Labor Strikes of ALL TIME:

1. Haymarket Affair

2. Pullman Strike (1894)

3. Coeur d'Alene, Idaho Strike

4. Battle of Blair Mountain (1921)

5. 1996 Parliament House Riot

6. The Great Strike of 1877

7. The Herrin Massacre (1922)

8. Colorado Labor Wars of 1903-04

9. Battle of Virden (1898)

Several sets of moving sidewalks will be installed in the high school and adjacent to major Bexley thoroughfares starting this summer.

      The sidewalks, which aim to encourage less exercise, were decided to be placed by City Manager Mike Davis.

      “We want Bexley residents to be able to get around in leisure without having to worry about driving or walking,” Davis explained. “I made the decision to add them (the sidewalk) because I love our citizens. I later decided to add some to the school because I especially love our youth.”

      Davis said that sidewalks will initially be placed in the main hallway, the new wing hallway, on Cassingham and Montrose, and on Main Street from Johnson’s to Jeni’s. The sidewalks will travel at 50 mph to ensure quick travel.

     “With the sidewalks, students will be able to travel from class to class with ease, and consumers will leisurely travel to all their favorite Bexley shops,” Davis said.

     He added that even more sidewalks will be added, as well as a zip-line from the school’s roof to Penn Station and Chipotle.

      Many students and citizens are excited about the new sidewalks. One such student is sophomore Emma Leowitz.

     “I’ll never have to walk again!” Leowitz said. “Now I don’t even need to worry about getting my license or anything.”

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