𝐅 𝐑 𝐄 𝐄 𝐅 𝐀 𝐋 𝐋 !

here's the thing , she knows what type of person carmy is -- because she's the same person . just in a different form , in a different mindset . she's like if he were less stressed out , externally , but stressed out internally . keeping all of her thoughts to herself , only wanting to lash out when needed . & now is one of those moments , if he's biting , then she's biting . that's how it's going to be , between them . & sydney , as shown before , as no gripe with showing her teeth , with baring them to show to others : with putting herself in positions where she's had to figure shit out .

it's funny how sydney manages to keep herself contained through all of this , like some bad breakup that she's going to emotionally put herself through because she knows that she can deal with it , as much as others have , humanly so . it's the way that she's so emotionally charged up that she could say anything , throw something his way & she knows that he would retort back , in any other demeanor , a severe language that they know & they know only , like some secret little bit that they've invented , that's what it seems like & as a good person would , she deals with it in the way she knows how , keeping it internally , until she explodes -- which , isn't very often , but when it is , everyone knows .

& it's not that she has anything against carmy , nor is it his attitude towards things when he gets frustrated , however , she thinks it's frustrating how he gets like this -- because she can't get anything out of him except for anger . " it was never an ' i told so you , carmy , " sydney muses with a little eye roll , shaking her head in the utmost way someone could roll their eyes over at someone , in the somewhat disbelief there was . " i was saying , that things wouldn't have happened if you didn't just up & disappeared on us ! " on me , she wants to say , as it's on the tip of her tongue & she's almost cursing herself for not doing it , for not being as bold as she thinks she is .

it's really no secret how she really feels about him , how composed & poised she thinks he really is , how much his opinion really means to her . how the fact that he inspires her to keep going , to keep fighting , in a sense of things . " yeah , we're good . " she replies , wanting to keep all of her bottled up anger inside , not wanting to fight with him any longer . all she's thinking about is the restaurant , how it'd be , how much she doesn't want it to be some failure like sheridan was . never that , god . even thinking about it sends shivers down her spine .

the issue with syd was that there was far too much to lose with her . not only a partner , but a friend .

all that fucking denial . how it eats him alive . more than a friend . he knows it . she knows it . but it sits in the middle of them in silence . it's deafening . it's nauseating . it's almost debilitating . they play this game as if neither one of them could see it . feel it . it's manifested itself into a barrier between the two of them , and makes arguments like this even worse to get through .

a double edged sword , the way they mirror one another . she'll only bite back if he bites in the first place . he'd rather it be this way . rather her not be passive and elusive about the problems at hand . he's never been good at reading between the lines , and syd has , generally , never made that an issue . his gaze falls back to her , and he wants to laugh at the way that she still chooses to bicker about the way he words it . " it was an i told you so . just a different shade , " he mutters back .

and there it was . that one part he didn't want to talk about but now officially had to . a long sigh that draws from his lips , a hand carding through his hair . distraction , and how it always gets the better of him . how much smoother would things have gone had he not lost sight of everything to begin with ? he'll blame himself . that seething self loathing that creeps up from behind him . how it dismantles any attempt at progress he's ever made . " i'm sorry . i just lost track of things . an apology is one thing , but , i - i'll be better . "

the guilt . how he feels it slowly beginning to consume him . despite her quiet words of assurance , it still feels as though there's something unsettling between the two of them . stronger together , but what happens when he slips away ? getting lost in something so wildly unrealistic for himself . a tension that now finds solace in his shoulders , where he'll make a feeble attempt to roll away .

When Whitney walked in needing some lunch to settle her growling stomach - what seemed like both just yesterday and years ago - she was not prepared for the instant round of butterflies, an almost comical display of blushing when those crystal blue hues met her gaze. She was convinced she’d made a fool of herself, tripping over words left and right like she was fourteen again— but how could she help it?

The way Carmy looked at her that day solidified something between them; a certain something that blossomed into the scene before her- him making dinner for the two of them for god knows how many nights in a row now. He would never know how much she admired what he did for her, for them- but Whit was sure to reassure him every chance she got. He was an angel sent to her from some unknown force that she would never question; some invisible thread between the two of them shortening more and more over time until they were able to be here, now; having dinner at his place yet again, her heart feeling truly at home.

“Hey!-“

A grin spread across her face at his callback, even when nearly dropping the bottle of red wine she picked up after work. She wanted to do more, to help and be an extra set of hands in the kitchen tonight, but her work had only let her out about twenty minutes or so before— thankfully there was a store close by Carmy’s place so she could swing by quickly.

Shrugging her jacket off her shoulders, Whitney kicked off her shoes and with the relief of bare feet out of dress shoes, made her way over to her lovely chef; setting the wine down on the table before her gentle hands enveloped him in a hug from behind.

the feeling of fear is miniscule . no longer apprehensive as to what love could possibly bring him . she's silenced all those anxieties . she's made his mind feel less of a warzone and more of a sanctuary . he'll wonder if she's aware of any of it , and if her feelings match the same weight of his own . knows better than to ever once doubt her , because she's never once allowed room for him to feel anything other than loved .

and meeting her never really felt real . something that he imagined he'd only hear of in stories . something that was realistic , just not for him . the way she stumbled into his life and made peace with all of his demons . he wonders how she does it . . . floating through life with such grace & eloquence that he'd never feel he could match . two opposite ends of the personality spectrum , and yet they mesh just fine .

he hopes for patience . for some silent understanding as to why he is he the way that he is . he's indulged her in parts of his past , but scampers over certain aspects . she knows enough to know the way that he works . the way that his love was loud in his own respective ways .

and her presence is enough to lessen the weight on his shoulders . enough to bring a smile to curl at the ends of his lips . her slender arms wrapping around him , a warmth that soothes him . a sigh of relief that falls from past his lips , because she's truly become a safety . " i'd rather not talk about it . tryin' this thing where work shit stays work shit , y'know ? " he hums , trying his best to balance his attention at his work , and also the way she peers at him .

parts of her wants to leave . parts of her wants to say fuck it , i quit . like before . instead , her hands clench into fists , tight . holding onto her own anger when she's faced with an upset carmy . nothing she hasn't dealt with beforehand . nothing she hasn't seen before , of all things . the matter with sydney is that she cares , too much -- too deep . it's become a sickness , even if she doesn't show it . even if her words can't come out , even when she says something sarcastic , she still cares . there's so much about her own disposition that makes things even worse , she contemplates . but with her hands closed into together , she can feel her fingernails dig at her own skin , letting out her own heavy sigh .

she's seen enough of him to stay . to count her own ground & stay , because she knows her worth , she knows who she is . who she could be , under his wing . all of this -- whatever it is , it's temporary , she wants to say . all pain is temporary , she's finding herself itching to say , at least -- the very least , wanting to be comforting to him . she wants to make things better , how does she make things better without upsetting him even more ? give him space ? tell him that he needs five ? sydney would do anything , if it meant that they'd be head to head , once again .

he never manages to catch himself before he slips . anger was an emotion that demanded to be felt , and any sense of rational thinking exits the forefront of his mind whenever the red-hot emotion comes to a head . he doesn't think when he speaks , nor does he think when he raises his voice . a knee jerk reaction to the feelings that arise , all heavy handed and parasitic . the gravity of his words doesn't land until his brain registers the way sydney blinks back at him .

he doesn't register the fact that his inability to swallow down his own anger would be the reason he'd lose her . what an awful reality to face just a few seconds too late . a heavy breath taken , a little shaky and a little unnerved . a second taken to reel himself in , to let that reality settle beneath thick skin of his . she's always been so careful with her words , like walking on eggshells the very second he hits this point . he's grateful , for a moment , to have somebody who knows him well enough to not engage when he's at his worst .

he'll sigh , head shaking . she's right . since when is sydney NOT right ? " if i listened . none of this would have happened had i listened . right . which feels like an ' i told you so ' , but isn't , " he rationalizes , mostly to himself . the tension eases at his shoulders , absentmindedly correcting his posture . hands at his face , pads of his fingers boring into closed eyes .

arms crossed over his chest now , always on guard . always on the defense . " you're right . i'm sorry . i don't know where my head is at , and i shouldn't - you shouldn't be the one to deal with that . i'm sorry , alright . we good ? " gaze lifts to meet her own , and it almost hurts worse to look at her . someone who he's always thought so highly of , from the very second he saw her . to let her down . to let her feel the very brunt of his own issues . another sigh draws from his lips , an internalized frustration that she'd never really know about .

#if smoking bad, why hot? 🧐

this is nice , sydney thinks . the fact that he thinks they need inspiration -- cooking or decoration wise ? that's the thing that pops into her head , although , seeing him unwind was better than nothing -- plus , she knows how it feels to always be in her head all time : she can tell he does the same thing , whether they're in the restaurant , or even if they're out in public , doing mundane things that would help them be better at it . be better at cooking , at being friendlier to the customers that would come into the bear . sydney likes how normal it is , to be near someone like him that isn't in a work environmental place & she can feel free to be herself . herself , she hasn't felt like herself in a long time . . yet , being around him makes her feel at ease . soothed , in some type of way . of course , she's pushing those ideas at the back of her mind , wanting to keep it at a distance .

sydney feels complete in his presence , she feels like she can do anything , if he was right there , by her side . she's allowing for the setting to seep in : for her feelings to be there , but not entirely present . she doesn't want to fuck anything up -- not more than she thinks she has , in fact . eyes traveling over to the other , shadowing details of his face , his tattoos , back to his own eyes , how beautiful they are , bright . blue , like the ocean & she could get lost in them . her train of thought comes back when he's speaking , a small jolt in her body in the chair , nodding her head . " it wouldn't hurt to be friendly , y'know . . " she shrugs her shoulders , keeping her hands at bay , almost nervous . but she shouldn't be , it's not like she's on a blind date & she doesn't know the man . she knows carmy , a bit too well .

he's still navigating all of this . these fucking feelings that have wound themselves up so tightly within the confinements of his chest . there are times in which it's almost unbearable to glance over at sydney without feeling as if he just might detonate . tongue raw from being bitten , because he's not going to be the one to fuck up their dynamic . he's grateful for her , and although his behavior hasn't always entirely been reflective of that , he just hopes that she knows it . hopes that she's aware .

and maybe that's another big reason he does this . why he drags her out . a silent apology . a silent admission of his feelings , in the way that his love language always felt like small acts of kindness . subtle . because it's all that he can ever really stomach . he's never really had what he has with sydney . it feels like something unconditional , because they've seen one another at their very worst . they've seen each other at their lowest , encouraged one another until they were at their best . it was something that went beyond the realm of what he's ever experienced , and it's the reason as to why he avoids that painful conversation . how could he afford to lose her ? to lose this ? his stomach turns at the thought , and he's left swallowing down those feelings to remain as composed as he can be . " what , i'm not friendly ? " he cracks a smile , light laughter woven within his words .

You could do this without me. I couldn’t do it without you. Yeah, you could. I wouldn’t even wanna do it without you. You know, you…..you make me better at this. You make me better at this.