Its about 5:45am right now. I went downstairs because I was sure I probably wasn’t going to sleep anyways and would just toss and turn around in bed with my thoughts so I thought might as well write them down. Plus I wanted to remember…
Around 5am I was woke up and started crying pretty hard. I had a dream about mom.. Multiple dreams really. I haven’t dreamed of her for a while and altho it was really painful, I hope it’s not a while again until I have the next dream of her.
It started off as multiple small moments with her. No relation. No transition. Just one small dream after the other. I remember one was grocery shopping with her and dad. I can’t remember what specifically we were buying (taco ingredients maybe?) but were were in front of the vegetables. We had said something to dad. Explaining something to him I think. I went to grab a plastic and she asked what I was gonna get. I smiled and told her I was getting shredded carrots. I smiled at the idea of putting the shredded carrots in the bag normally for the full uncut vegetables..
Another was a moment I think in the house. She was explaining how we should switch tulog dresses or something.. I laughed and was like “Ok mom, I’ll give you that tulog dress.” I think it was the soft black tulog dress, one of the very last ones she ever got me..
Another was shopping at a store like Marshalls with her and Dad. I guess we were looking for a specific shampoo for dad. An associate was helping us and then brought us to a corner of the store. The person showed us that it was on the shelf near the top and explained that there weren’t that many left because it was discontinued.
The last part, I was going down the stairs at home- Dad’s home. She was sitting on the couch just watching tv as always. The orange couch was on the side of the living room divider facing the tv and windows. It looked exactly like the living room which doesn’t normally happen in my dreams when I dream of home. I sat down next to her and hugged her. Can’t remember if she was the one who asked for a hug. But she started crying and said she had to “go back home.” It suddenly clicked to me what that meant and I started crying. I asked her when and she said she didn’t know. I begged her not to go, that I wasn’t ready. “I’m scared…” I don’t remember if that was me who said it or her.. “Please wag mo ko iwan..” I remember begging her. She started coughing and it made me freak out more. It wasn’t for very long that we continued like that and the dream suddenly ended. I suddenly woke up and found myself in bed at my house. Dan was sleeping next to me and I bursted out loud into tears…
That ending was too heartbreaking for me.. It was like having to say goodbye to her all over again. And that fact that it felt so normal, so real was even more heartbreaking… It was really hard to think it’s been over 2 years and I was still able to cry that hysterically. Dan tried comforting me, hugged me while patting my head but I could tell after a while as I continued crying he was falling asleep again. That’s why I eventually decided to just go downstairs..
I miss her.. The dreams were painful, but I didn’t regret them. I hoped it wasn’t the last time I had them because of how I was reacting. I couldn’t help but think what if it was Mommy visiting me… I didn’t want her to think she shouldn’t visit me again.. If it was her visiting, then thank you Mommy for visiting me and checking up on me.. Thank you for spending some time with me out of no where.. Despite how painful it was, I enjoyed those small moments with you..
