So, it’s been a build up over time, but it really hit last Sunday. I’ve been battling some pretty hardcore depression for a bit. I try to hide it for the most part, because I didn’t want to seem like a “downer” as some called it. But I just, lost all trust here in the community for a bit. From having my boundaries broken physically, people lying to my face repeatedly, venting to friends just to have them turn their back on me because my responses were sparse (again, I’ve been depressed so it’s hard some days), being accused of lying about things that have hurt me deeply, and watching people hurt one another for their gain, something in me just…broke. I’d load up the queue, dip, then when my things posted, I’d get angry, pushy messages saying “well you’re posting so you must be ignoring me”. It got exhausting. I felt a lot of pressure to put people before my own mental health, and I finally broke. I’ve been on watch this week. To make sure I’m okay because things in my real life have been terrible. I won’t go into detail, but things piled on and this app was NOT helping. Watching my friends drop off with the explanation of “oh well what you’re saying and what you’re doing don’t match up” was heartbreaking, because I’ve never lied to anyone here. What would I gain? What would I gain venting my pain like that? All I wanted were friends, but I feel like a total commodity. 100%. Started acting like one too because I thought maybe, just maybe if I gave people what they wanted even at the expense of my pride, people would actually want me. Well, that backfired. I was publicly accused multiple times of only caring about my image. I’ve seen the posts, they made me fucking cry so, congrats, you succeeded in hurting me. But here’s the thing: the only aspect of my image I care about is being a welcoming person to new people in the community who were like me starting out. New to their awakening, kinda scared, and wanting to connect. I wanted to be looked up to. Now I feel incredibly looked down on. Now I’m not playing victim, I’ve fucked up in the past with my impulsive brain and posting before thinking, but it was never in my intention to hurt anyone if I did. I care too deeply. I love to strongly. And my heart is tired. I promised I’d get back to people soon, and I’m going to try, but I’m putting myself first. I’m not going to be the kink/content machine I was. If I’m posting, it’s for me, because I want to. Not because it’s expected or I’m trying to get “likes”. If you think that’s the kind of person I am, then I’m so sorry I have that impression. Today was the first day in a while I was truly happy. I went to work where a very kind customer told me some life advice: to never stop smiling. That I had a smile that lights up the room and I needed to keep it up. I reflected on that, realizing that my smile not only touched him, but it lit up this app for a year now. I will never stop smiling, and I will never give up. So to those trying to cut me down, good luck, because I’m not going anywhere. I’m not looking for beef, or negativity, I only want peace and love and that will never change. Thank you to those who have lifted me up when I crashed down, I owe it all to you.
Look out world, there’s a new Lux coming, and she’s here for the right reasons and good vibes. If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking the time. I’ll be back to my goofy giggly self soon, but for now, be gentle. I love you all, and I’ll be checking in in doses 💜
snowghoul
tangentwithtanner
dededos
2087
theartofmadeline
baratheonpilled
turnnoffyourmind
