Heart / Soul / Mind / Strength

my funeral song carries me along walking past the gravestones of everything i've lost onlookers think it's a hopeless scene but better dreams replace what i've dreamt before i find comfort in strange things like static on the radio & running in the rain i look back at what my life has been i can laugh at my own misfortune my tears water the garden flowers bloom next to every memorial stone what's given is sometimes taken i don't pretend to be okay for the sake of false comfort i no longer hide in a cave or ignore my past mistakes i can't regain the time i forfeited away i can't expect an olive branch when i never planted a tree i can hear every conversation forever etched in my mind i wouldn't trade those years to escape the pain of being ripped apart emotions swept in like the ocean's tide watched as my world drifted apart they say i shouldn't have hope when disappointment is possible but the calluses don't bother me anymore the burial ground is ready for another let down & i'm always making room for more.

the world is crashing down all around you can you smell the burning? can you feel the crumbling of the mountain as it's inching toward you? you've ignored the calling of your name you've reassured yourself you're gonna be okay but every time you look up & see the embers in the sky, you start to feel the longing again when the room stops spinning you begin to listen the truth resurfaces and it makes you question but only for a second then you pick up ignorance & deception, you devour both to fill your stomach the hunger subsides along with any doubts you had before because if you're wrong, you'll have to pay the price and if they're right, your entire life would've been a lie

you can't swallow the living water, so you fill your throat with gasoline.

"for many, of whom i have often told you & now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. their end is destruction, their god is their belly, & they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things."

how is it, Lord, that when i forget You, boast in my own might, and delight in the pleasures of this world - i perish not?

how is it, Lord, that even in the wilderness i am nourished, preserved day after day, and never forsaken?

how did You decide who would be chosen for salvation and who'd be destroyed?

how do You determine the number of our days and the struggles we must face?

how do You fill my heart with joy while i'm sinking in grief?

how do You lift my soul from the pit when i am guilty of falling in?

how do You renew my hope when fears and doubts encompass my mind?

i don't know all of Your ways, but by searching every page, i get to see more of who You are. i can see Your loving hand protecting and leading a people out of slavery and into the promised land. i can see Your wisdom in testing a man's faith by affliction. i can see Your compassion in sending a fish to swallow a man whole. i can see Your perfect justice in drowning humanity and Your perfect mercy in preserving a single family. i can see Your glory in the fire that shines for some and consumes others. i can see Your perfect timing in raising a queen to stop a massacre and humble a king. i can see Your goodness even in a favored son being sold by jealous brothers. i can see Your power in display through signs & wonders. i can see Your sustaining peace in the songs & prayers of a man on the run. i can see Your holiness in the tablets inscribed and the blood spilt on the alter. i can see Your unconditional love in making Your enemies Your friends. i can see Your sovereign reign before creation, the Son of God ordained to take my place. Father, i see Your heart in sending Your Son to the cross. Lord Jesus, i see Your humility in entering human flesh, wearing my shame, and bearing God's wrath for me. Holy Spirit, i see Your sanctifying power at work in me now.

there's a lot of pain i keep shut up inside. i can lie to myself and convince everyone it's the truth.

You carry all my troubles.

my burdens have been cast and all my tears in Your bottle.

i sit in ashes & watch their lives prosper.

i trust You but my soul is in anguish.

i secretly ponder, God, if You care then why am i still here?

can't get out of my own head.

Though I'm wicked with a heart whoring after idols i have nowhere else to turn no hope apart from the cross

Please, purge me of my wicked thoughts Prompt me to repent Let the blood of Christ cover me Wrap me in His robes All I need is in Him Supply me with Your grace Please forgive me of all my sins

Though i'm undeserving You have preserved my life i cannot see all the good You've done but i trust in Your promises

Please, renew my mind & open my eyes Help me see the light of Your glory For Your namesake, grant me strength for today Humble me & magnify Christ through me Let me not stray from the path You have paved

i gave myself to You when i was 8

i promised to follow in all of Your ways

i never want to turn away

Your face upon me is all i need

i don't believe in destiny or fate

i believe in eternal plans

in Your hands holding me today

in Your majestic counsel directing every way

every thought that passes through You know

every question i'm too scared to ask You hear

every struggle i silently face You see

i'm many things to many people, but to me, i'm just me and i want to break free

stopped the shouting just to get this out

i still try to capture how the light hits the ground

the ocean as it washes over me

the trees dancing in the middle of Spring

the rain as it paints the world brighter

if we run out in the middle of the storm will they feel inspired or never dream again?

i don't know what to do about tomorrow

but today we have reason to dance & sing of what we've overcome

look around, you're not alone in feeling the world as it's crashing

look inside and see, His Spirit hasn't left you even for a second

look forward and believe, another morning filled with new mercies is coming

if i knew everything to pray for i wouldn't be lost as i am now

the patience of the Lord is sure, He has yet to return

how could you tell me to quiet down, especially as the end is nearing

i'm carrying the message of love & forgiveness

years go by and the song we once sung is withering, no one is listening

my face hits the ground with failure trailing close behind

a hand reaches for mine, i recognize the scars, He holds me closer than anyone i know

reassurance hushes any fear i had of going into the unknown

the desert is my home for now, so i keep walking until my feet aren't under me

the madness is returning and the humming starts to repeat itself

i don't know who i am to you

God only knows the truth

my heart's been torn in half.

i do not want to carry on

but i know i must.

God, i know You've called me to endure

but how can i with what's been done?

my idea of a future has now grown dim

i cannot see what it is You want for me

i once believed it could be better

but maybe i'm upset because my future involved losing a friend.

i'm not sure how this could be good for Your people.

this loss has severed deep & hasn't left.

Lord, i want to live according to Your word

so i ask that You might show me which way to go.

i am Yours, every breath & every step is in Your possession.

i'm not my own, my delight is in Your law.

You have always known what is best.

i can get lost in the question of why them & not me?

i can get stuck in my head with missed opportunities & words left unsaid.

but God, no matter the drought & no matter the storm, You provide living water & You restore my hope in You.

i will dwell in Your house forever.

i will not neglect Your people.

i will not cease to praise You.

i will continue to give You my life as a living sacrifice.

no matter the forces against me & no matter the despair that encompasses me, You're right hand is still holding me & You overflow my soul with Your presence.

thank You Father God, holy Trinity, the Son's robes cover me & His Spirit lifts me when my knees cannot.

All is mine because Jesus died & He will return for His sheep.

so i endure this race by the power of Christ in me, looking toward eternity where the full weight of glory is known & all affliction is complete.

been trying to record the struggle i’ve faced. not sure it’s possible to fit it into a single page. not sure i have the vocabulary for the way God has shown Himself faithful & true. this trouble follows me into my sleep. i know this pain is not known just by me. i’d be fool to blame God for my lack of faith. He doesn’t tempt me to sin. He shakes the ground yet keeps my feet from falling. my dreams shatter & in the death of everything He strengthens my faith. my days are prolonged & i continue to wait, how many more winters must i face? the cloud of doubt scatters, the light of His peace is too great. Comforter of my soul, there is no one else who can restore my joy. Keeper of my heart, Your ways are for my good & the exaltation of Your name. how my heart bursts in thankfulness while it breaks, my sin is ugly & my Savior is pure. the love You’ve shown in redemption brings me to my knees. i could never adore You enough. how can i question any of Your ways? my greatest desire is to bring glory, honor, & praise to my Lord now & forever. Thy holy will be done til Christ returns & in Him i’m found complete. 

this fallen world is temporary and so is this ache. with all creation i find myself groaning.  Spirit, won’t you Help me out.  Jesus, You’re my only source of strength.  Father, You see & hear my cries for mercy.  i wait patiently to be in the presence of my God. 

i want to run without growing tired.

how long, i wonder, must i carry on?

so i return to the surface for air

no one listens, no one cares

faith that endures is what i really need.

they ask me how i made it this far

my mind goes back to You

the day You called my name

i’ve never been the same since.

thought it cruel to feel what i faced at such a young age

now i respond with prayer of thanks

cause You trained me in affliction early 

so i’d be ready to bear it now

twenty six and i still cry most days

i’ve found the secret paul talked about

humility in washing feet that kick me

giving more even when i'm on empty.

i’ll say His name 'til my body’s in the grave

not another name i live to praise.

i decided to know nothing but this

Jesus Christ & Him crucified 

that’s why my blood still flows through my veins

why i stayed when i'd rather leave.

some days i can hardly stand it

i drove home asking God what to do

my breath returned to me 

out of the pit He lifted me 

“not i, but Christ” i confessed

foundation that gives me strength 

weakness that shows His sufficiency.   

i'm a lowly vessel, so mold me & use me

not according to what i desire or dream, but for the glory of Christ my King.

i haven’t lost it all

just the groceries in my fridge

& an engine with four wheels.

i look around & keep thinking how

i’m the richest woman in the world.

i’ve got Jesus as my Savior

and no matter the storm

or wreckage

i can never lose Him.

i’m in awe of this truth 

it lives deep within

i’m thankful for the life i have that’s forever

in the Father’s hands & never removed.

sing a new song tonight