Replace "bigger,blacker" with "more private, more honest" blog...and/or journal.
It has come to my attention that it isn't until you are in a relationship (or perhaps just living with someone) do you get that true reflection in the mirror. It doesn't necessarily mean you will look at, but it is still there.
Over the past few months I have started looking at that mirror that is my S.O. And boy is it hard. I divert blame. I can be selfish in a relationship when it comes to conflict. I will cling to my corner of needs and wants, and ignore hers. I will defend it at all costs, and that includes spewing venom that is untrue, and only meant to hurt.
I remember the first time Hailey(now ex-wife) had kicked me out of the house. I listened to Braid's new EP Closer to Closed and loved the line "I could have been a kinder man" or something similar to that. I am still not there.
I have had many successes in self-improvement, but still not where I need to be.
What I want in a relationship is to be able to communicate as "allies." We may be mad at eachother, but we are able to listen to the person who is upset, assess, and discuss. This isn't what is happening in my relationship, and it makes The Lady have to carry much of the weight of problem solving. This is because I do not talk. I shut down. I allow my negative thoughts to push my esteem down. My mindset is fixed: "I cannot change, this is the way I am, this cannot be repaired, it's your fault, it's all my fault, I am what you say I am", etc etc.
Rather than speak what is on my mind, I will stew on it. It festers and I ignore the pain, all the while convincing myself like everything is fine. Until finally I become annoyed at the simplest things. I snap. I make faces. Because all of that bullshit that I identified earlier, but decided to ignore has now come to a full boil, and the pressure cooker that is my temper is about to explode. And the problem with that? This heats up another one's temper.
And so then the explosions occur, and things said can't be taken back. Bags are packed. And while those can be unpacked, trust is chipped away, and that trust can be so difficult to repair.
So the point is this: I need to analyze what is going on, more specifically put myself in her shoes. Make sure that I am indeed meeting her needs by saying what is on my mind.
No more festering. No more silence. The past year I have felt my brain is dying, but perhaps it is because all of this. It's the festering, the silence. Because it is easier to do that from an effort point of view. It is much harder to take action, to share, to write it down. I will start doing that from now on.
