tierlist of ways you can communicate to me, a person with PDA autism*, a task youd like me to do
(list is based on my personal preferences, not polling others or anything like that. i am just some guy. also, it's not only applicable for pda people; the desire for agency is common to most people, it's just especially strong in pda. in fact, i daresay you should strive to give every person agency for ethical reasons but yknow do what you will. also, pda affects "small demands" in everyday speech too, but ill just talk about deliberately asking for a task to be done)
BEST: working collaboratively with me to decide what the best way to address the problem is, valuing my input, letting me choose details that affect me within reason. if i am in fact going to do [x], that decision was— at least in part— up to me. we are equals, fellow persons, and i take actions because i have decided they will make my life and the lives of my loved ones better. if you need me to change what im doing or how im doing it, communicating why and letting me discuss it with you. ideally, letting me go unsupervised and not questioning how i decide to handle the details (ie the order i take, what tools i use, whether i multitask, etc.)— and if that's not possible, clearly communicating why. There is so, so much more I could say, but the core is always respecting me as an equal person to you with free will, and not valuing perfection over that respect unless necessary.
GOOD: letting me know that you would like [x] to be done, and why, and letting me decide myself whether i would like to help you by doing it. giving me the chance to discuss it with you, or decline and suggest alternatives. respecting me if i reasonably decline.
POOR: asking me— "would you please [x]?". it still reads as a demand, since it's a decision you made about what to do with my time, and ive gotten used to it being used as a euphemism for a command, wherein i am not actually allowed to say no but it sounds more polite. however, if you actually mean it, it does theoretically still give me the chance to say no, and the use of polite language implies that you're okay with me making choices about how and when to do it. probably fine, but be cautious of doing this too much. it adds up.
BAD: using imperative language to command me to do [x]. ah ok so i just dont have a choice at all. im under your control. ok
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WITH MY BODY: telling me that i am going to do [x]. you have succeeded in both telling me that i have no choice and power in the situation AND in hiding your own responsibility! you have removed yourself from the equation entirely, as though your own demands for me are so important that they extend beyond your own personhood, and override my own free will. implies you dont even think it's worth considering that my desires may be different than yours. awesome.
consequences of GOOD task communication: we trust each other as equals and agents. i feel good about doing things that make you feel good, and therefore am more helpful to you. i feel safe around you, and dont get tired as easily in your presence. i have more respect for you. there is more wiggle room, where im not affected as badly by demands from you, even if theyre communicated in a worse way from time to time. i trust that you see me as a person.
consequences of BAD task communication: in the short term, i will have a MUCH harder time performing the task, and may perform it worse, because my brain and body are reacting to a threat and my sympathetic nervous system is in high gear— im in fight or flight. i will run out of endurance quickly. i will probably be more mean to you, as i wont have the spoons to watch my tone. the same task will become harder in the future, as my "wall of awful" around it builds up. in the long term, i will start to see you as a threatening person and an enemy. i will avoid being around you, because your presence makes me anxious and fatigued. i will not trust you to see me as a person, and will hide information from you and avoid helping you. i will see you as a selfish and prideful person, and believe that you see yourself as more important than me, like i am a tool and not as much of an individual as you. i may actively make things worse for you as a form of rebellion, as im looking for any little way to feel freedom from your control. both of our lives are worse.
*PDA= Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Profound Desire for Autonomy. a profile of autism marked by hypersensitivity to percieved threats to autonomy. the latter name was provided by activists looking to make the name put a focus on the needs of the PDA individual, rather than the way an outsider may see them as troublesome