The Story Of Tonight

You are so immensely loved.

We did learn that you have a tongue and lip tie, so we will be getting that revised soon which will hopefully help with your latching and gas issues.

You are thriving. It’s been amazing watching you grow. You’re developing quite the spirited personality and we love it!

Your mom went out of her way to make my birthday special. Cake from whiskey cake, amazing surf and turf dinner, and a beautiful necklace.

On day 4 of your life we learned that you had lost a considerable amount of weight and we’re becoming jaundice. The pediatrician recommended we supplement. We tried with breast milk first and realized I wasn’t producing nearly enough and that you’d probably been starving. Your mom took you and gave you formula. I was crushed. Though the days prior had been tough with nursing with you fighting and me crying, I felt like I’d failed you. That night and into the next day I tried hard to nurse you. We saw a lactation consultant and we did a weighted feed. Essentially, you weren’t transferring much milk. She recommended we try triple feeding which consists of trying to nurse you for up to 20-30 minutes and then pumping while your mom gives you a supplement. It. Was. Awful. We did it, for one day and I don’t think I stopped crying. That was probably my hardest day with you so far. I just couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working. I’ve since learned that the first week is the absolute hardest. On day 5, I decided you and I needed a break from nursing so that I could stop weeping and dreading feeding you. When you were supplemented, you came alive. I got to see your face and you had more light in your eyes. On day 7, I cancelled my follow up with lactation and decided that in the interest of my mental health, I was going to stop trying to nurse you. It had become a spot of anxiety instead of reward. I’ve really gone back and forth with what the right thing to do is. Do I keep trying to nurse you to say I did no matter the cost to me or do I let go of this one thing to enjoy my time at home with you more? It may seem so black and white, but let me tell you, many tears have been shed over this situation. I still don’t know if I’m making the right decision for us by weaning myself down to two pumps per day. I’m giving you about 3oz of breast milk per day. It’s all so hard. Being the sole person responsible for your nutrition was/is overwhelming, especially when we’re having such a hard time. Idk if I should give it another try, especially with all that is going on. It’s all so confusing.

So many things play into breastfeeding and how feasible it is. We’re at a point where if we don’t want to do it we don’t have to because there’s formula. I dreamed about nursing you when I was pregnant. I had a grand plan about how it was going to go. I thought we might have to work at it, but I didn’t realize your hunger cry would break me as I tried to get you to latch every two hours for days. Hearing you cry and trying to help you and not being able to was just...heartbreaking. I wasn’t doing well. With the unknowns of work and my schedule in general there are many benefits of formula. I have to also take solace in the fact that a fed baby is the best baby and that you need a happy mom and I’ve been happier while not stressing about nursing.

Meh. Breastfeeding is hard. Making decisions for you is stressful. I may change my mind again and I am giving myself the space to do that.

All I asked wanted you to do was come just a hair early and not on any holidays. You did your part!

On Wednesday, I decided, with encouragement from your mom, to take a small round of castor oil. I pooped a bit but that was about it. I kept thinking you’d gotten lower and I’d had some lightning pain, but no real contractions, even with pumping. I’d woken up at 1 &2AM to move around but again, no contractions. Around 3AM, my water broke while I was asleep. I thought there was no way I’d peed my pants, so I rolled out of bed, careful to keep my legs closed, and was greeted with soaking shorts and dripping in the bathroom. I’d had my bloody show and water break at the same time. I was so excited thinking you’d come on Thursday. I problem solved how to keep from leaking everywhere, insert depends for the win, and decided to go back to bed after starting a load of laundry and telling your mom she was going to be a mom super soon.

I woke up around 7, still nothing happening. I had occasional cramps but that was it. I originally had a 9:30 39 week appointment scheduled which I called to cancel. I had 12 hours to try to get things going naturally. I took a mile walk, did spinning babies, pumped, lunged, side stepped......you name it, I did it. I also baked some rainbow cookies because of course, you couldn’t come into the world without fresh baked goods. The birth photographer came to take some pictures later in the day as we got ready to finally go into the hospital. The Justins and Collie also came to sit with the dogs and help us while we were at the hospital as you’ve come during a pandemic and your mom isn’t allowed to leave the hospital upon my admission.

We arrived to the hospital at 3:20. I got checked in and was 2 cm dilated, 90% effaced, and at a -1 station. My contractions were not strong at all and were about 15-20 minutes apart. Ashley was my nurse at the time and got me through triage. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to get my IV started prior. I got poked 4 times before Mandy the charge nurse in L&D got one in the back of my arm. The nurses were awesome and really wanted the IV to be in a place that was easy to labor as I wanted to have an unmedicated birth. Around 5:30, we got started on low dose pitocin. Jenna, our midwife, decided to increase the dosage a little bit every half hour, which I’m grateful for. Most doctors do it every 15 minutes which I cannot imagine. Jenna had me eat dinner and try to rest before Things got really intense. At about 7, things were ramping up and I was feeling it. You, on the other hand, we’re not feeling the monitors. The nurse, Lauryn, spent all night tracing us. I wanted to try to labor in different positions but of course everything I’d read had been all about people with back pain and all I had was front pain. I labored for a while on the toilet which was nice. Around midnight I was starting to spiral. I decided to ask her to check me again just to see where I was. It had been hours and the contractions were getting intense. I just wasn’t sure what else to do. I was 4cm, 100% effaced, and at. +1 station. She was pleased with the progress. I decided to keep laboring, but I ended up asking for something that wasn’t an epidural so I could get a bit of rest. I thought I had a long way to go, and truthfully, I needed the break. They gave me some narcotic medication and I was able to rest for a bit in bed on my side. While sleeping things got even more intense. I woke up to these freight train level contractions and not being able to find a comfortable spot. I kept switching which side to lay on, much to Lauryns frustration, though she handled me moving and the attitude with grace. I’d just whine while she tried to hunt you down while also apologizing and saying I knew she was just doing her job. At one point, she needed me to lay on my back since we hadn’t been on the monitor for 20 minutes. I was NOT pleased. I told her I didn’t care about the monitors and it didn’t matter. (These are the words of a woman in transition...but we didn’t know that.) Your mom kept telling me I had to do it for you so I obliged. The contractions were insane. I kept feeling like my whole body was pushing while also trying not to push. Lauryn kept telling me about how much my cervix would swell if I pushed without being ready and she kept telling me to breathe with them and to just not push. I tried my best. Your mom tried to keep me encouraged. She really was the best birth partner.

At 3AM, I’d had it. I could no longer describe anything and just could not bear having more contractions and not pushing. Your mom came through with essentially presenting an epidural as an option if we had a long road ahead. She reminded me that I had a code word and I could use it. She found language for me when I had none. She asked Lauryn to get someone in to check me. Lauryn was calling on the walkie about whether Jenna would allow someone else to check her patients and I jumped in saying, “I’ll wait for Jenna.” Essentially I was not letting this lady touch me. She hadn’t done anything wrong but I wanted Jenna. Jenna came floating in and I could finally see a bit. She was asking questions about how I felt and if I felt pushy without contractions and if I felt pressure. All I could tell her was that my butt hurt and I felt like I needed to push because the baby was coming. I felt like your head had been coming in and out for some time but as a first time mom, I had no idea. She asked me if I’d like to be checked so we could discuss pain management if need be, but when I said that you were coming she said, “Okay then, let’s have a baby.” She was so positive. She gloved to check me saying that I’d feel pressure and then quickly realized your head was coming out. All the birthing supplies arrived. She told me to push when I felt like it. Everything was so calm. The lights stayed low. It was so surreal. The ring of fire is no joke. I was suddenly terrified to push you out. I even asked if the contractions would just push you out....everyone laughed, but Jenna said that it was normal to be afraid and it was the hardest part but I was going to feel so much relief. I pushed. It hurt and burned and just scared the shit out of me. I waited until I felt like I should push again. I fussed at your mom for touching my leg, I couldn’t stand the pressure. I had one knee upright and the other bent to the side. Lauryn was still trying to monitor your damn heartbeat holding the monitor at the very bottom of my belly....she did start taking off all of the other monitors and things. I pushed a little more. Just baby pushes while I waited for the burning to stop. I was encouraged to lean into it and that they could see your hair. I pushed a little harder and literally all of you came out at 3:26. Your mom got to catch you and put your cheesy butt on me. I just cried. I couldn’t believe I’d made you, grew you, and birthed you. I was just in love.

I spent the next hour or so holding you and trying to convince you to nurse....you didn’t really go for it until a little later. While we waited for your cord to stop pulsing we did skin to skin. It was magical. Your mom cut the cord and I birthed the placenta. It came out mushy and strange. Jenna gave us a tour of it and then I got some stitches. I had a 1st degree tear. The lidocaine is god awful. It was literally the only time I screamed the entire labor. Jenna stitched me up and had to do another stitch after what she said was the last one. I was not pleased. lol. I was terrified of tearing but Jenna assured me I’d done everything right and I did a good job. Evidently I still needed reassurance even though i was holding you.

We’re rapidly approaching 37 weeks. I can’t wait to meet you. I want you to know that your mom and I love you so very much. We will always do everything we can to protect you. We will fight for you. We will be there for you. Our love is without limits, terms, or conditions.

I want you to know that you are worthy. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful. And most of all, you are valuable.

I hope that when you’re old enough to read this, nothing is the same. I hope you never know a hashtag with a murdered persons name behind it. I hope all of this is just history. I hope that you only know love and light in your lifetime.

There are things that come with being Black in today’s America that are sad....devastating really. There are things that have been said by we people considered family that have caused us to keep them away from you. Maybe that will change...idk. Just know we are cultivating a family that will help you grow into an amazing Black woman. The people that surround you will support you, encourage you, and love you. We are building a better life for you.