Beats of Grief

Merry Christmas Eve from all this crazy. #love

It got better. It took a while. I still love him so much. He is half of me. He lives through my crepes. My loud sneezes. My trips to the pier to get seafood. My stories. My writing. What I’m telling all of you.

The package deadline is today if you want to send anything to Matt. It's pretty emotional to be sending this last package. He's not quite home yet, but we can definitely start a countdown, as a half a year has turned into less than a quarter. I want to thank all of our friends and family who have taken the time to send something, to ask how we are doing, and to simply remember that deployments are hard. I've learned a lot about the wonderful people we can count on.

When I miss my husband, I look through pictures. Taya captured this. It's taken a couple of years to be able to reflect on my pure bliss and happiness at this moment. Despite my parents missing, I am able to put pieces together with him and have something amazing. Also, only someone who truly loves you could know to capture such a moment. Both of you, come home soon and complete my heart.

This yoga-filled long weekend gave me an opportunity to reflect. All the clichés that yoga is supposed to bring really happened! I feel more grounded, more whole, and more gratitude. This girl and I have been best friends for a long time. We've both been through a whirlwind of shit. We have both felt undeserving of opportunities like this - maybe we didn't work hard enough, couldn't afford it, weren't good enough people. The list goes on. But the truth is that we really deserved it all along. I am so grateful that we allowed ourselves to have this time. We did two blacklight yoga classes with inversions and glow-in-the-dark war paint. We went to a reggae yoga class and were forced to dance around and meet people. We chanted unfamiliar meditations. We did Thai massage yoga and had to meet and touch strangers. We flowed in the front row of an auditorium-filled class to the tunes of Bon Iver. We grooved to so many amazing DJs, live. We slayed in the demon-slaying class. We savasana-cried. We did at least 60 chaturangas each. We dancer-posed on a mountain. We opened our hearts to all of it and are forever changed. Thank you to everyone we came across and for your amazing energy. #wanderlustwhistler2016 @wanderlustfest

No filter. Just Tree. In this crazy world, we're just trying to namaste. It's good for the soul. #gettingreadyforwanderlust

Tomorrow, my amazing soldier is leaving for six months. It would be great if I could be strong 100% of the time, but right now I'm sad. I'm going to miss him so much, and worry until he's back here with me. This morning and always, I am so proud of him. Being a soldier's spouse comes with a lot of waiting, worrying, and uncertainty. It also comes with feelings of pride and love and bursting at the seams happiness when they return. We can do this. Thank goodness for family, good friends, love, yoga, and running - they're all huge anxiety cutters. Oh, and dogs of course! I love you Matty. You're my love. I'd wait for you forever.

A huge slice of humble pie was served right in the center of my plate this Mother's Day. I was in the middle or enjoying my family - but admittedly feeling a bit sorry for myself after looking at mom social media posts- when I realized Feliz was gone! The whole family went into action and Matt/Adrian found her. She had CROSSED HAWTHORNE and went to to Trader Joe's. Luckily, this amazing TJ's employee and his wife were taking care of her and spoiling her. Bottom line: Life in perspective! I am counting my blessings, my top blessing being this little shit sleeping on me right now. Thank goodness for good people! #gratitude

He was the kind of dad any teenage girl would love and hate. Funny but snarky. Protective but over-protective. Entertaining but embarrassing. Colorful with a temper. He was the first man I loved and butted heads with. Today is his birthday. Was his birthday. I didn't celebrate. No one did. I remembered for parts of the day but mostly forgot. I wondered though, what we'd be doing in a non-Twilight-zone world where he still existed. What would the celebration be? Would Matt be here? Would my mom be? The "what-ifs" are always a trip. What I do love, though, is looking at his writing on paper cards and the pictures. I wish he'd been here to fight with me about car choices, politics, and my wedding budget. I HATE that we missed out on so much. That we continue to miss out every single day. I LOVE him no matter how many years separate us. Happy Birthday to my daddy.

I live in a house of cuteness. Sorry @mattyshoots for putting you on blast #notreallysorry.

Have you ever woken up to a puppy stuck on your hand? #hazilla

Hazel stank face. #hazilla #mypitbaby #bff

Over the 10 today while I treaded through knee-deep traffic.

No question that there was some serious naughtiness going on. I will get to the bottom of it. #hazilla

I love you too, Miss. #hazilla