Sensual Dominant

Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain nameless…

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you. 

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making your point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things. 

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that. 

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect. 

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance. 

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to. 

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him. 

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important. 

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect. 

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf. 

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.  

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that. 

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day. 

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be. 

So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too. 

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely. 

Bottom line, Anon, is this: you sound like a boy playing at being a man. You decided one day that you were sick of women having willpower and a voice of their own, so you decided to call yourself a dominant and seek out some weak-willed submissive who wouldn’t talk back to you or stick up for herself. You are not a dom. You are a jackass with a whip. Classic case of toodomforyou.

The tenant , _________, will accept a room in the property of the landlord, _____________, in exchange for sexual services, starting on __/__/__.

1.) The tenant will make her holes available for sex with the landlord at all hours she is on the premises. These duties will not total more than ___ minutes each day, and will not occur more than __ times each day.

2.) The tenants mouth, pussy and asshole will be available for sex, unless prevented by health reasons or menstration. At least one hole must be available at all times. Her preference of hole may be considered at the discretion of the landlord.

3.) Should the tenant’s asshole be unable to accommodate the landlord, she will stretch her anus for ___ [minutes | hours] each day until she is able to fully comply with the lease.

4.) The landlord [may | may not] deep throat/face fuck the tenant.

5.) The tenant will assume any position requested during intercourse. The tenant need not actively participate except when providing oral sex.

6.) The landlord may require the tenant to undress to any degree during sex.

7.) The landlord will not wear a condom when enjoying the tenant. However, the tenant and landlord will use condoms should they engage in intercourse with any unknown, undisclosed, or non-agreed upon parties, while the lease is in effect.

8.) The tenant may not delay the start of service by more than __ minutes when requested.

9.) The landlord may delay the departure of the tenant from the premise for up to __ minutes for service unless the tenant has notified the landlord of the departure time one hour in advance.

10.) The landlord may enter any room without notice for service. Sex may take place in any location on the premises.

11.) The landlord will have full and unfettered access to the tenant/tenant's body for any and all purposes through the duration of this lease, excluding only permanent injury, permanent disfigurement* and death, unless otherwise amended by inclusion of the Permanent Disfigurement Waiver**.

* (For the purpose of this lease, Permanent Disfigurement is described as scars, tattoos, amputations, or broken bones. Piercings, being removable, do not fall under this category.)

** (At tenant's request and desire, pending negotiations, tattooing and/or scarification may be added to the approved list of actions Landlord may perform on tenant's body. Under NO circumstances will amputations or death be made permissible.)

12.) The tenant is expected to make themselves available while guests are visiting. Her duties will not be kept secret from guests unless permission is requested and granted in advance.

13.) The tenant’s weight may not exceed ___ lbs.

14.) The landlord [may | may not] take photographs or video of the tenant.

15.) The tenant will [wax | shave] her pussy and legs every ___ [days | weeks]. The landlord may at his discretion and without notice inspect for compliance on this same schedule. The tenant will immediately resolve any identified issues and present the corrections.

16.) Should the tenant be unable or unwilling to comply with the terms of the lease, she will pay a penalty of ______ per day, which is approximately ___ times the rental value. Refusing service within the terms of the lease will immediately trigger this clause.

17.) The tenant may terminate the lease at any time without notice, but must comply with the terms until the premises are vacated.

18.) The landlord may request the tenant vacate the premises with 30 days notice. The terms of the lease will apply until the premises are vacated.

19.) Acts of Depravity Amendment

If included, failure to abide any request from the Tenant approved, selected items on the Acts of Depravity Amendment, can at Landlords discretion, instantly initiate Article 16 of this lease. This Article does not apply unless the Tenant submits a filled out, signed, and dated copy of the Acts of Depravity Amendment to be filed with this lease.

Landlord Name: _________________________

Landlord Sign: ___________________________

Date: __/__/____

Tenant Name: ___________________________

Tenant Sign: _____________________________

Date: __/__/____

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Permanent Disfigurement Waiver

By inclusion of this signed and dated waiver, I, ________________________, do hereby request, and affirm my full willing consent to, the inclusion of (Choose one:) Scarification/Tattooing/Both to the list of approved actions Landlord may perform on my body.

Tenant Name: __________________________

Tenant Sign: ____________________________

Date: __/__/____

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Acts of Depravity Amendment

The following acts are optional. However, they become Mandatory if this form is filled out AND submitted to the Landlord with the Lease.

Tenant may choose to:

I.) Discard this Amendment.

II.) Submit this completed, signed, and dated Amendment with the Lease.

III.) Submit this completed, signed, and dated Amendment at a later date.

Initial by each Act you wish to include:

___ Age Play          ___ Anonymous Sex

___ Bestiality/Zoophilia     ___ Free Use

___ Glory Hole (Forced)   ___ Glory Hole

___ Gangbang         ___ Group (Small/Med)

___ BDSM             ___ DDLG(LB)/MDLG(LB)

___ Slave              ___ Objectification

___ Pet Play     ___ Piss Play

___ Orgy          ___ CNC          ___ Inebriation

___ Somnophilia          ___ Object Insertion

___ Stretching/Gaping          ___ Scat

___ Knife Play (P.D.W. Req)

___ Needle Play (P.D.W. Req)

___ Public Free Use    ___ Public Sex

___ Public Display/Exposure/Nudity

___ Open Breeding (Req participant health screening)

___ Chastity          ___ Medical Devices

___ Torture Devices/Furniture

___ Tickle Torture          ___ Bimbofication

___ Hypnosis          ___ Bukake

___ Asphyxiation/Breath Play

___ PVC/Latex/Both Clothing (Choose one)

___ Sensory Deprivation

___ Forced Orgasms         

___ Other: _______________________________

___ Other: _______________________________

___ Other: _______________________________

___ Other: _______________________________

Landlord Name: _________________________

Landlord Sign: ___________________________

Date: __/__/____

Tenant Name: ___________________________

Tenant Sign: _____________________________