Beads, Bows and Pretty Things

For every one who has been a follower of my blog, you may know that I do not live with my 3-year old daughter and it kills me, every piece of me dies every second I am not with her.

Late November, my ex partner and I had a petty misunderstanding, again, as always, that led him to file a Prohibited Steps Order against me to the courts. For anyone, not in the UK and does not know what this is, it is a court order stating that I cannot do certain things with my child without the court's permission.

It was painful, finding out about this and receiving the order was heart breaking. For the first time in my life, I actually felt how it feels like to have your back stabbed by the person I once called my husband, the person that I once loved and the person who used to be my best friend. I could not breathe and my heart sank.

We are due to have a hearing on January. From the day I received the court order I could not stop thinking about things. About what could have been. About how things could have been different if I handled things differently. Especially, now that Christmas is approaching, this would not be our first Christmas not being together as a family, but I still can't help thinking and wishing that how I wanted to give my child's family back this Christmas, unfortunately, there are just some things you can't undo, some things you can not give, no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you wish for it. It is just not meant to happen.

My ex partner and I did not even bother working things out between us, we let our petty differences get in the way of seeing what would have been the best for Cassidy. We resented each other and continued on hurting each other, up to now. we still do. Our judgement of what is right was clouded by our hate towards each other. And it is such a shame that we grew to be this kind of person, this kind of parent. The biggest lesson I have learned from all of these was that if I was unhappy in my past relationship, my (ex)partner was only 50% to blame.

I don't regret what had happened, these, in fact were just thoughts, things that run through your head when you know that you are in a difficult situation, situation that you cannot control, situations that you would want to change, but not really because you know for a fact that you are happy with where and who you are with now (if that makes sense). I would have not met a wonderful man that loves my every flaw, every piece of me, baggage and all if I do and if I insist on getting back together with him. I would not be happy, I will be miserable. And that is a fact.

I miss you so much my Bella, almost 4 weeks that I have not seen you and it breaks my heart, little by little. I find it hard to sleep at night, I can't stop thinking about you. I miss you so much that I find it difficult to function every day.

I am so sorry you got caught up into this, between mummy and daddy's petty misunderstandings that we couldn't even make way for what would actually make you happy, instead, we put our own ideas of what we think would make you happy first. Ideas that was not actually meant to make you happy but to hurt each other and in the process you have to suffer from it too. I am really sorry my Bella.

When we moved here I didn't imagine this life for us, for you.Sure, you go to a better school, you get better toys, and better life here, but if you are not happy all of this would not matter. I kept on thinking that if we had not moved we would have been happy, but that means seeing your daddy once or twice a year, and I didn't like that idea.Daddy wouldn't be happy if we never moved here, you wouldn't get to know Daddy's family if we never did.

I love you so much my Bella, every piece of me is yours and you are mine. I hope one day you'll understand why all of this has to happen and I hope you would not grow up to hate mummy and daddy for letting this happen to us, to our family.

You are smart and beautiful, you are a perfection and you do not deserve all of this. You deserve the best in life. I know one day this will stop and we will see each other again, I know in my heart that this will stop.

I miss you and I cannot wait to see you again. You will always be my baby, you will always be my Bella, always and forever.

Love,

Just in case you guys are wondering how D and I met, well:

Yes, ladies and gents, we met over Tinder.

After almost a year of living by myself, revolving my life around work on weekdays and Cass on weekends,  I got tired of my week nights, I need something to occupy my time, as I do not party (not hard anyway) and I was probably home by 7 or 8ish at night if I am not doing over time, I have nothing else left to do the entire night. And so I signed up for tinder, in hopes to find something to occupy my week nights.

I was not really hoping to find a serious relationship, I am aiming more towards having some drinking buddies.

I did met a couple of men from there, went out for drinks, had some chat, nothing fancy, none of them matched my interests. I mean, it was like a one way street, it is either, I listened to everything they said or they listened to what I said, but never really a proper conversation.

Then D happened. I was a bit reluctant to swipe yes, I read his profile and he is more of a geek, and I usually get intimidated by geeks,  I read he has tattoos and loves lazy Sundays, which I love, so why not. I swiped right.

We had a nice chat, talked about bands and random stuff, then he asked if he wanted to meet up with me, I said yes! We set a date, it was supposed to be on a Wednesday after work.

Then we started sending each other texts, got to know each other and such. Which was fun, I thought he was so easy to talk to, well chat with. 

Then came Tuesday, I remember I was too busy with work that I skipped lunch, we asked how our days were and told him about that, he offered to bring me cupcakes, I was like hell yeah! I wasn't expecting him to actually come to my office and drop off some cupcakes but he did.

I didn't really get the chance to look at him properly or have a proper chat when he came to drop off the cup cakes as it was quick.

Then we decided to meet that same day after work instead of Wednesday. Met him at a bus stop, he drove us to a pub, had a couple of drinks, had nice chat, some laughs and that was it.

We have been seeing each other since, until we were official, I was still using tinder, he told me he was too. Met a couple of guys and he met some girls too, but they were just not quite the same as how we met.

I thought he was cute when we first went out, he thought he'll never hear from me again after that as apparently I gave that impression. Woops. But hey, it has been 6 months, we moved in together, we are making plans for the future and we are all sorts of in love with each other. Everything just fell in to place.

Never thought I'd find that from tinder!