Living with a Narcissist
i use to think that my life was normal; for the most part i really did think that everybody had a parent like mine. someone who seemed so proper and put together in public and then behind closed doors, they would belittle you, yell and scream, and insist that they were always right and everybody else was wrong.
as a millennial, i, of course, found out through tiktok that that’s not really the case. i mean, im sure its very common to have a narcissistic parents, but only now did i understand what that really meant. i am not a stranger to self-loth and depression, but i starting to realized that a lot, and I mean A LOT of my childhood trauma stems from their ways of parenting. now that i know what i’m dealing with, its not so bad as it use to be. I think it’s because i can actually put a name to the actions and feelings.
with one who deals with mental illness, i, like everyone else on this planet, am not perfect. i am still dealing with how to cope with urges of self-mutilation and panic attacks. i use to turn to alcohol as an escape, i thought it’d take away the internal pain, as alcohol does with external pain. but alas, i was wrong, nothing good came from any of the stuff i did in the past. i was honestly just trying to numb the pain with different pain.
i’m better now-- i’m 5 years sober when it comes to self-mutilation and 2 years of weening off alcohol to numb the pain. i still drink, but no longer the way i use to, really if anything, i barely drink nowadays. im still learning to deal with all my unresolved issued, but living with a narcissist makes its harder to set myself straight. i find myself blaming myself for everything because they tell me so. i find myself never being good enough to please them. i find myself thinking that my life and their life would be better if i was no longer around, be it running away or just stop living. dont worry, im never gonna do it, theyre just random thoughts in my head. but its just nice to get it out there because keeping these things to myself make me wanna explode, but also, i cant really devulge this information to others in fears id be a burden. so here it is, written on a platform that has fade with time, but not forgotten (like my trauma)
