๖ۣۜ𝒱𝒶𝓂𝓅𝒾𝓇𝑒𝒬𝓊𝑒𝑒𝓃,

im going CRAZY but MAYBE ILL CHANGE SCHOOL HOLY MOLY YES. istg i cant take another week w those ppl. some r nice but others hell nah.

today i saw a tiktok where a girl was making fun of the kind of reposts some girls have and i was shocked abt HOW MUCH IT WAS ACCURATE.

like, wdym the girl who ruined my year reposts shit abt kindness, how much full of love she is and so go on. girl u literally ruined my year, WHERE ARE THE KINDNESS AND LOVE U R TALKING ABT HUH????

but, going beyond that. im actually shitting myself bc its late july and i still havent done any of my homeworks and im scared abt finding myself in september with nothing in my hands, but still im too lazy for actually get my ass on the chair and do them, so ill just complain abt it.

i finished the poppy war, now i was trying to start reading the second one but lwk i dropped it BUT I PLAN TO FINISH IT BEFORE THE END OF THE SUMMER. runin is actually CRAZY, absolute diva ngl. but i miss altan, still hoping for his return :(

some days ago i was at my bsf's place and we were watching rick and morty and i had my head on her chest and i felt her heart beating really fast, like dang girl r u k? if any of u have any thoughts on this, pls lmk (assuming anyone actually reads this)

her arm was around my shoulder and she didnt complain abt it, which is weird bc she doesnt like physical touch, but this time she was just fine w it. idk gng PLUS lately ive been kinda uncomfortable w the idea of being w men, still find them attractive but ykkk i prefer when i don't look them in the face. i still think i am straight, but tbh im tired of labels, i'll let whatever happens happen.

I STARTED NARUTO lwk fire, im at S2 but now i paused it bc idk i just watched the first season in like one day and half, i need to recharge but im actually enjoying it.

i also started going to the psychologist. actually i went to a doctor to talk w her so she could decide what psychological path should i have taken, and she told me that in september ill start to see a psychotherapist. idk what this really means, i searched on google but ykkk i dont really trust internet abt ts but ig ill be fine!!

OMG I JUST REMEMBERED THAT IN OCTOBER TAD S3 WILL BE OUT KWKSDJKSDKSO HELL YEAH i miss jinmao on my screen!! BUT YES YES YES OCTOBER.

oh i was almost forgetting. lately i opened a secret account on tiktok and i post some venting shit. last night i posted something abt loneliness and many ppl liked it or reposted it and i kinda felt bad for them, like please guys even if i dont know u personally you're all seen!! its sad watching ppl feeling like me, bc ykkk ik how r u feeling and its not good, i wish i could be friends with all of them :(

sooo school it's finally over, like for about two weeks, and i have to say that its kinda weird. the first week was HELL. i couldnt get up from my bed and i cried all day almost every day. i dont know why tbh, surely not for school. hell nah i hate that place. idk BUT im fine now!! im going out almost every day and i feel slightly better. at first i was afraid (I WAS PETRIFIED🗣️🗣️) bc i couldnt get out and i was like "tf is going on?" then my best friend dragged me out of the house and now i guess that im fine. she even bought a book!!

my other best friend lent to me her favorite book, the poppy war. I REALLY LIKED IT!! now i have to read the second, but im sure is gonna be fire (like rin and altan lmao).

talking abt her, lately i started to asking myself what is the nature of our relationship, i mean, yea we're best friends but idk, i feel weird abt her.

often i feel like i could melt w her, like literally, as gems in SU. and i love her deeply, shes my other half. i think abt her very often and when shes not near i miss her a lot.

she is not very physically affectionate, but she let me hug her all the time (almost every time), and i really appreciate be close to her. yesterday we were together in her bed, our other friend was lying w us and we were hugged in bed while talking abt her fav book (THE POPPY WAR!! i started reading it for her) and we were comfortable with each other.

we usually joke a lot about being together and i feel strangely jealous of her, but she once confessed to me that it's the same for her too. and idk. i mean we're both girls and im totally fine with it, but idk if she is. she's ally and i dont know, i shouldn't feel this way about her, even if we literally act like we are a couple.

two nights ago i was drinking w my friends and i called her because i missed her and we talked for a bit. i asked her why she didnt love me and she said that she does, but she would loves me more if i stopped drinking because she knows that i cant handle even just a glass. then i told her something like "i know you'd leave me if a handsome boy who reads came to you" and she told me laughing "well, who wouldnt?" and even if i know she was joking i still i hung up the phone in her face and cried for like 40 minutes.

the next day i attended her final exam but i promised to never drink again just because i know she doesnt like it.

i talked abt this thought w our best friend (the one who was lying w us) abt it, like stop drinking, and when she asked me why i just told her it was bc i dont like how i become when i do it. and she just nodded.

i haven't told anyone yet abt how i feel because im honestly afraid that saying it out loud will make it real. she isnt very open to talk abt feelings, yk that she cares through small gestures, and i see them every time, but i know that talking w her abt this would just ruin our friendship, which is more precious than anything else we could have, so i dont want to lose her.

i need to go out with my friends, i miss them smmm💔💔 TALKING ABT THEMM, i dont know for you gang, but i literally LOVE when they repost something about friendship or best friends AND THEY TAG ME, LIKE REALLY??? DID YOU THOUGHT ABT ME????? DO YOU LOVE ME THAT MUCH?????? i feel like our friendship is confirmed, AND IN PUBLIC TOO!! hell yeah, peak experience.

OR WHEN THEY SEND ME VIDEO SAYING "omg this is us" AND IT'S THE BEST DUO EVERRR. yeah sweetie we're so peak🥹🥹

FIRST OF ALL IT'S ALL NATURAL BITCH, WATCH UR MOUTH DUH, second, how stupid could U be to say that out loud on a bus, literally screaming. arent u a little ashamed? like bffr bro, didnt ur parents taught u what respect is?? if i was his mother id feel like a failure + id think i should have aborted it a long time ago.

and it's not even abt what i was wearing, literally i had no makeup, dirty hair, incredible dark circles under my eyes, i was wearing jeans and a white tank top TFFF.

(lwk im sorry for him, but still free kimdan)