depth over distance

things that are currently stressing me out:

- my boyfriend is currently ill. he’s been ill for a month, and they’re not entirely sure what it is, but they’ve found a minor problem with his heart. he’s currently in a&e and i’m stuck at work with no idea what’s going on.

- because my boyfriend has been ill, we’ve been spending a lot of time at his house with his parents. his parents are lovely but they’re so overbearing it’s hard to spend so much time there. 

- it’s such a busy time with work at the moment. there’s so much going on and i’m having to be out on the road quite a bit, which means i’m not around to make sure my boyfriend is okay. 

- my manager is leaving in 2 months. i’ve only been in this job for almost 4 months and my responsibility and work-load is going to increase by a shit ton. i don’t know how i’m going to manage and i have so many questions. will my job role change? will my pay increase? who will i report in to? i don’t feel ready to take on all of her responsibilities and i’m worried i’m going to fail. 

- i moved into my flat over the summer. there are still so many things i need to do. i still need to buy a dining room table. i still need to register for the local doctors. i still need to email my landlord to ask about the leak. i still need to hoover and clean the bathroom. i’m so busy with everything else i feel like i’m falling behind with my flat and that’s also making me feel like a failure. 

- i re-registered for the gym the other week, and i really want to improve my fitness and get toned up. i like going to the gym but with my boyfriend being ill i feel guilty for going there rather than spending time with him. i know i shouldn’t feel guilty but i can’t help it. 

- with andrew being ill, we haven’t really done too much or gone out anywhere recently. with a lot of my uni friends having moved away after finishing uni, my social life isn’t that great. all the people i work with are older, with families, and i haven’t had many chances to meet other people. i want to meet other people my age, but i don’t know how or where. i feel like i’m stuck in a bit of a rut at the moment and i just want to do fun things. 

everything has just been really hard for the past month. i am juggling too many things and i just want someone to take me to a spa and buy me wine and tell me everything will be fine. 

could you all be absolute babes and fill out this short survey for one of my final year uni projects? it’s basically about e-readers, whether you own one or not and if so why/why not etc.

big love x

1) stop being so paranoid about everything

okay so at the end of May a guy I’ve known of for a while, (friend of a friend), but never particularly spoken to started a conversation with me out of the blue. he seemed really nice and a couple of days later we went to the cinema. he paid. he drove me home. we talked for hours. it felt like a date.

a couple of days later i went round to his house. i’d been really ill that week, so he bought wine and loads of snacks to cheer me up. we got takeaway. he told me to close my eyes, he then produced a box of chocolates and some really nice bath stuff. he told me he wanted me to go home and pamper myself because i’d been ill. we watched a film. we kissed. we had sex.

a few days later i went round to his house again. we watched a film. we kissed. we had sex.

by this point, i’m thinking that he’s kind of into me. he’d taken me to the cinema. he bought me a present. he seemed like a genuine nice guy.

later that week i’d gone to stay with friends for a few days. i asked if we were going to do anything when i was home. that was when he asked if i was expecting anything out of this, because he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t want to lead me on.

by this point, i’m thinking it’s too late for that. if you take someone out, buy them stuff, and spend time and money on them, i think that counts as leading them on.

but we carried on talking, i thought even if this isn’t going to go anywhere, it will be nice to have someone to talk to and hang out with for the summer before i go back to uni.

a few days after that, he stopped replying to me. he just didn’t reply to my message one day. i was a bit annoyed, he’d got what he wanted from me and now that was it. but hey-ho, what can you do. i got over it pretty quickly.

a couple of weeks later he messages me. he told me he’d been working pretty hard to try and get a promotion which was why he’d been a bit distant recently. he told me he’d missed speaking to me and that he wanted a movie night and could really do with a cuddle. it was pretty obvious he was telling me what he thought i wanted to hear. but this time i was more cautious.

during the couple of weeks we hadn’t spoken, i’d just started to speak to another guy and didn’t want to fuck anything up.

so i was polite, i replied, but i was quite blunt and did not make any attempts to flirt with him.

sometimes i took a while to respond because i’ve been busy with work, which lead him to write things on twitter such as “nothing worse than being ignored”. but it was okay when he ignored me for weeks, that was fine.

he would message me late at night to ask if i’d finished work and if i wanted to come over. a booty call. there’s a difference between someone you hang out with, sleep with, but you both know it’s not going anywhere serious, and a straight up booty call.

it’s not okay to only speak to me when it’s okay for you, and when you want a quick fuck. it’s definitely not okay to sugar coat it by telling me you miss me and you want to chill.

so now i haven’t replied in a few days. i have no need - i am not interested in being someone’s booty call.

but because i haven’t replied, i am the bad guy. i get messages such as “i’ll take your silence as your answer”.

i don’t understand the fuss about maintenance grants being scrapped. students will still receive the same amount of money, but it will be in a loan format rather than a grant.

yes, your student debt will be higher. but with the amount of people attending university higher than ever, everyone will be in the same boat.

and whether or not you’re from a ‘poor family’ is irrelevant. by the time you graduate your family circumstances don’t mean anything anymore. students re-pay their loan based on their own personal income, so whether you come from a ‘rich’ or ‘poor’ family will have no impact on repaying your debt.

everyone will be in debt. everyone has to repay it based on how much they’re earning. ‘rich’ and ‘poor’.