we're gonna live forever

Hello Oasisblr, welcome to my brain. I have spent the past hour attempting to calculate an estimate dick length for Noel Gallagher based off of the plethora of bulge photos we all love. So, what was the methodology, and what are the results?

Exhibit 1: The Phone and the Foot

I started with the photo because it has two things we can use to compare the bulge to, size-wise: the phone receiver and Noel's foot. He's on record saying he wears a size 39 shoe, which means that his foot is likely around 24.5 cm (9.6 inches). In the 1990s, the average phone receiver (the part you hold up to your ear, for those too young to remember), was about 22 cm (8.6 inches), according to old patent specifications (and it checks out with what I remember growing up).

Thus, we have a reasonable measurement for two items in the photo, and therefore, we can compare them to the dick. Superimposed, the shoe and the phone are roughly the same size as the bulge. The average length of both objects is 22.5cm (8.85 inches).

Exhibit 2: Zipper

Let's try to compare our estimate above using the length of his fly. On an average-rise pair of men's jeans, the zipper is 15.24 cm (6 inches) long. We can very clearly see that he is thus over six inches. But that's not very close to 9, is it? Veruschkaaaa, give us more evidence!

Exhibit 3: Thumb

I know, the imprint is impressive, but what we're looking at here is Noel's thumb in comparison to the rest of his body. The average man's thumb is 7.62 cm long (3 inches). If we compare this to the above photo, it looks like the bulge does extend roughly one thumb's length past the zipper. This zipper + thumb equation gives us 22.86 cm (9 inches)

Result:

Looking at averages, this is where we end up:

Average of thumb and zipper: 22.86 cm (9 inches)

Average of the phone receiver and foot length: 22.5cm (8.85 inches)

Average of image 1 and images 2-3: 22.68 (8.93 inches)

Noel Playing Guitar at Yoyogi Taiikukan

And Guess God Thinks I'm Abel is your love letter to Our Kid? Lines like: “You could be my best friend/Stay up all night long/You could be my railroad/ We go on and on"...?

LG: He's alright.

Come on...

LG: There's no,"Come on." I fucking hate people who go, “Come on," I wish I could explain myself better. He doesn't come into my thoughts very much. He'll come into my mind for about a minute and I'll think "Uggghhh" and think about summat else.

People say Noel has been like a father figure to you.

LG: Is he fuck. He thinks he is but I don't listen to a word he says. He's the sensible one, so they say, and I'm the daft one. So they say, I like to have lots of fun all the time. Life's too short to be thinking of the big, grand plot. By the time you've grasped it, it's time to fly.

Do you think you have been a father figure to Liam?

NG: No.

LG: Course he's not my fucking dad. My dad is a bald wanker from Manchester.

NG: He's from Ireland, actually.

Why haven't you sacked each other? You've sacked everyone else...

LG: Look, you daft cunt, that's a fucking stupid question.What do you mean, "Why doesn't he sack me?" He can't sack me. It's my band.

Let's put it another way. Drummers, guitarists, wives have all been shown the door. But you've never fired each other? Have others paid the price for your issues?

LG: Are you looking for a slap? I'll kick yer ankle. First you come here like a little cat who's just done his first poo asking me to kiss him, what's up with you?

NG: Calm down,Liam. Play the game. Boo-hoo. I can think of 29 reasons why we should’ve got rid of...

LG: [to Noel] If you even fucking DARE to answer the question why you haven't sacked me... That's an uninspired and rude question. If you sacked me I'd knock your fucking head off and the same if I sacked you.

Why can't you admit you love each other?

LG: He's been at this all week. There's something wrong with you.

NG: It's sort of better unsaid, isn't it?

Liam makes his brother cry with laughter by telling a joke and sealing the punchline with a fart. Noel proclaims Liam's genius and asks him to repeat the gag.

"You want to know if I'm the thick one or the clown, but I know the answer to life," says Liam. "Tulips have a spiritual quality. The answer to life is a four-door tulip."

"I have to say that in the strangest way I know exactly what the mad little fuck means," says Noel.

A FULL WEEK after our trip to Milan, Noel Gallagher calls me out of the blue at home. Not to retract quotes or ask what he might have done at 4am when he was incapacitated by alcohol, but because he thinks lying prone on the floor of an airport check-in is no way to get interview closure.

He says he's glad I saw how the brothers really are. No one ever really understands that beneath the vicious teasing and goading lies an intense interdependence. It's an odd marriage, but the bond is strong.