BaronLolligore

It must be so hard being a male spider. You just wanna settle down and have kids, but every woman you meet literally wants to eat your face off.

When you're learning multiple languages so you accidentally mash them together to create atrocities such as "der mangé" to refer to your lunch.

We put a Rage Against The Machine CD in the car today, and the machine promptly raged against it.

Today, my mom told me that matcha tastes like milk froth on top of aquarium water.

I feel like it says a lot about me as a person, that my favorite movie is the one where the dead guy keeps making surprise guest appearances on the beach.

At least I'm not small enough to consider spiders one of my natural predators.

Looked in the mirror after I had my eyes dilated and almost crapped my pants. Someone call the exorcist.

I blew a fuse in my bathroom trying to use my hair straightener this morning and now my lights don't work, so now I'm using a paper lantern until maintenance gets here, and let me tell you, disaster is what truly breeds creativity.

Getting acne cleanser in both eyeballs at once is definitive proof to me that the universe has no chill.

The dog's farts smell so bad, I've started calling him "Famous Anus".

My mother has quietly spent the past seven and a half hours pretending I haven't been referring to the GPS as "Dolly Parton ".