your heart is a muscle the size of a fist

FIRST SET

[before disappear]

[Gerard]: Nashville! How are you, my dears? Tonight’s programming is brought to you by the Ministry of Complementary Reconditioning. Write that down. It’s not important, but it’ll be on a test, I think. And the man responsible for bringing us here, tonight, to Nashville, Transylvania; Draagred Magazine’s Most Eligible Bachelor, twenty-seven years straight in a row, please, make some noise and put your hands together like our lives depend on it, for His Grand Immortal Dictator! Yes. Yes. It’s good, right?! We are supported by the Draag National Auxiliary Band, please make some noise, and us, up here, the fifty-second regiment, of The Black Parade, are we ready to go?! Then let’s continue.

[before i dont love you][elexecution]

[Gerard]: Ugh! Ugh! Oh, that’s the right—for those of you watching at home, welcome back! Our four contestants have made it to the final round, and the final question. Contestants, can you hear me? Contestants? For all prizes, which of the following regiments of The Black Parade died in The Great Car Fire of 1916? Was it, A: the 8th regiment? B: the 22nd regiment? Or C: the 51st regiment? Contestants, push that button when you’re ready, we’re right here. [making trumpet noises] You’re outta time! The correct answer is all three, literally, you coulda said A, B, or C, and you woulda been winners, bunch of losers! But you won’t go away empty-handed, let’s show them! Let’s decide for them, what exactly they’ve won. You got these signs? Ya! You got red, you got black. Okay. Are they gonna get—yea? A trip to Lake Tahoe? Or nay—a trip straight to hell? Well, let’s show them what they’ve won. Garçon, if you will roll! Ready! Aim! Fire!

[during mama interlude] [introducing Marianne]

[Gerard]: Hello! Marianne! How wonderful it is to have you back with us, Marianne! Please wave to everyone, there’s people all about you, up and down. Wave to the top! Wave over there! Wave to the front! Wave to the side, and the people way up top! See, the thing about Marianne is, when she sings, she can see everything. So we’re gonna count her in, you guys are gonna help, okay, how’s that sound? We’ll practice first, okay? I say one, two, you say one… we’re gonna practice that again, but you’re excellent so far. Are you ready? I say one, two, one… now, this time, for real! Are you ready?

[mama outro]

[Gerard]: Thank you Marianne. Thank you, Marianne! Sweet, sweet Marianne. [laughing] [wailing] [wailing and crying]

[before disenchanted]

[Projection Guy]: Our time has come. The button pressed, and a single act has meaning. A single word repeats across the stars, and then our hearts: greatness. And then comes a time when all must ask—what cost to hide? What loss so great, to scrawl our names in sand, or chisel them in concrete? Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight to all.

SECOND SET

[before venom]

[Gerard]: Thank you Clarice, please make some noise for Clarice Jensen. Death!

[before zero percent]

[Gerard]: Nashville, how are you! Let’s just cool off a little. Heh. Ha. Fuck, thank you for having us tonight. Fuck, let’s just—let’s just fucking, bang into ‘em, man. This is a B-side. Off of Danger Days. That’s it. Zero. Percent.

[before save yourself]

[Gerard]: Hi. Nashville. Some thank-yous are in order. Please, make some fucking noise for Pierce The Veil. We wanna thank Pierce The Veil so much for playing with us tonight, I had a mouthful of Gatorade, so, but thank you for playing with us, please make some noise for Jarrod Alexander right here, been with us a long time, we love you very much, Jamie Muhoberac right here, the Draag National Auxiliary Band, please make some noise for Clarice Jensen, Kayleigh Goldsworthy, Tucker Rule, we wanna thank cast of Long Live, the whole crew, Long Live fandom, the cast are interchangeable, too, for the most part. You know, you just plug it in, put an eyepatch on someone, you know what I’m saying? [horrible green box noise] Oh, that sounds really good tonight. [horrible noise again] Here’s the next song. This song’s called ‘Save Yourself, I’ll Hold ‘Em Back’.

[before our lady of sorrows]

[Gerard]: This song’s off the first record. It’s called ‘Our Lady of Sorrows’!

[before not okay]

[Gerard]: I’ll let you know, man. I’ll let you know, Frank. I’ll let you know where we’re going, um, I’m just doing this right now. So, uh, it’s real hot. You know, one time, we did a show, it was the hottest show we ever played. It wasn’t Sweden. And, and, um, it was so hot, I said, wow, we’re gonna die. You know, went outside, literal—smoke, just coming—looked like, I don’t know, the Green Goblin, some shit. It’s—like the pumpkin—pumpkin bomb went off, smoke everywhere. ‘Cause it’s—you know. He’s right, and—you know how science works. Putting—think this is fucking hotter, man. [indistinct] microphone like this, you’d think you’re wearing a dead-skin face. [indistinct] you’re wearing a dead-skin face. This song is called ‘Not Okay’. Let’s go, Nashville! I loved [indistinct], until I grew the fuck up!

[before ambulance]

[Gerard]: Let’s make ourselves throw up. Some people can’t do that, it weirds some people out, you know? Show of hands, who can’t make themselves throw up? Like, with your—with your fingers, you know what I mean. ‘Cause it’s a real thing. It’s very common, don’t be shy. I can’t, so I’m not raising my hand. But, you can’t do it, huh? Can’t—can’t do it? Wow, man, I can’t say you’re—I can’t say you’re missing much, but, you know. Gets the job done. Gets it out of you. Gets, like, some bad chicken or something, just, like, this needs to go, man. Anyway. I’m sick, I think I’m gonna throw up. Let’s do it, though. Before we do this next song, we were all just talking, I was like, I was like, ugh, Frank! [whiny voice] I don’t know if I can sing this song. It’s too hot out and it’s too hard! Mom to who?! And he said, Gerard, I believe in you. He said, I believe in you, let’s throw up together. So, this song, it’s called ‘Ambulance’.

[before vampires]

[Gerard]: Sucking blood. Buying little tiny vampires. To find throughout the evening. Calling on Count Chocula. Talking about going to Las Vegas. Grabbing some dice. Making some moola! Blood! It’s what’s for lunch.

[before boy division]

[Gerard]: Shout! Shout hooray! And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud, in honour of an animal of whom you’re justly proud, when the toad… came… home! When the toad came home! Do I need a key for this one to ride[?] Here we go. Uh, that’s okay. Jamie’s got me, right there. Sure. [laughs] I’m fucking with you, yeah, man, we’ll play that. [laughs]

[before na na na]

[Gerard]: Well, it’s smooth sailin’ now! I gotta tie my boot. Yay, I’m safe! I won’t break any of these old bones! Alright, killjoys, make some noise. Merci. Merci. Let’s go!

[before helena]