not super into caring

ameliasunshine​:

The last two years of Amelia’s life, it was like she had been a frog in a heated pot - unaware of how close she really was to imminent danger. Yet now that it was over, she could see that she’d been slowly drowning all along. The immediate relief she felt in being free of Nate was like taking her first gulp of air in over a year, and things had only gotten better since that moment. Her bruises were fading, her confidence was returning, and she was overwhelmed with relief. She could feel herself healing.

Running had quickly become less about the necessity of clearing Amelia’s thoughts now, and more so just something she did because it made her happy, like an old friend she hadn’t been able to fully dedicate time to in too long. So, when she rounded the corner of her usual path, the one behind the Fitzpatrick’s farm, where Matt Banks had been found, and saw the outline of a figure - she was taken aback for a moment. She already knew who it was, of course, as she saw Owen nearly everyday now in passing, and although she hadn’t spoken to him since their kiss and his rejection, she felt like she could pick him out of a crowd blindfolded.

Amelia felt the same flutter in her chest that she’d felt all week at seeing Owen at school - whether across campus green or walking ahead of her whilst she was on her way to class. She slowed her pace to a walk as she got closer, and removed her earbuds once she reached him. Amelia smiled at Owen yet remained silent, not knowing what to say - she’d made an open ended promise of friendship the last time she spoke to him, one that they both knew wouldn’t actually happen. How could it when so many deeper feelings had been laid out between them and sealed with a kiss, only to be dismissed as a terrible idea. She could ask him why he was here, so obviously waiting for her, but she knew why. She’d seen his text and his call the night before and blatantly ignored them. 

“No, I didn’t.” She answered as frankly as possible. “I’ve been spending less time on my phone, away from social media and everything. Until the gossip died down.” It was true, she’d deleted her apps from her phone once the rumours started swirling, and she couldn’t deny the relief in losing the compulsion to check her phone every few minutes for a text or call from Nate. Amelia nodded softly with a smile. “I’m better, everything has been really good. How’s your hand?” She looked at Owen with a slight shake of her head. “To talk? Is there really anything left to talk about?” 

He had been doing his best not to look at Amelia whenever he knew she was around at college, in fact he would turn away immediately if he ever accidentally locked eyes with her, but now... well, now he couldn’t do anything but stare at her. It felt like something he was still not allowed to do, but he kept staring anyway. Whatever happened in these next few minutes, he would get to keep the reminder of what her face looks like in this light. 

The answer to his statement about her not answering the phone sadly sat between them, but he still smiled and nodded. He didn’t need to say that he knew she was lying, she wasn’t saying that to tell a convincing lie, it was just to confirm the distance between them. The question about his hand surprised him though, as it didn’t bring them closer, but it broke the wall that sat between them. “Uh yeah,” He lifted his hand, as if wondering what it looked like himself. “It’s used to a lot worse than what I put it through with Nate.” He bit on the inside of his cheek when he said that name, because he didn’t want to say that in front of Amelia really. Him being stood in front of her was bad enough, right? 

His eyes focused even harder on hers as she gave him the most scathing question she could give in that moment. “Amelia.” He groaned, dragging out her name like it was a song he didn’t want to end and he didn’t, he didn’t. He shook his head, staring at her like she was being ridiculous and, for him, she was. “Of course there’s always something to fucking talk about, because me not wanting to talk to you was ever the issue. And now...” He knew he could fuck it up so easily as he spoke, so he paused, letting it hang in the air. “Now there’s more to talk about. What I said was a mistake - I don’t want us to avoid each other. And I know it’s not fair to change my mind and put that on you, but do you feel the same?” 

It was obvious that he shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t wise to return to the place of the crime, but the only crime here for him now was that Amelia had picked up his lighter on New Year’s Day and felt compelled to pick it up. And so started their story. If he believed in fate or magic or whatever this clearly was, then he would have said they were meant to be. 

He had actually tried to text and call her, but he wasn’t surprised with what had happened last time that she didn’t answer him. He knew he should give her space, but after his talk with Charlie, he knew he didn’t want to be like her. She was shut off from the world so completely and he thought that was what he was going to do, but he had this person who made him want to feel things. If he left it too long then she might not want him anymore. It was selfish and that was the thing that stopped him coming to the place he knew she would be jogging at, but still he was here. 

She started to appear around the corner and he felt the tensing of his chest and the beating of his heart that he wasn’t used to. It made him want to run away, but he stood to his spot. He put out his cigarette and braced himself for her indifference. “You didn’t answer my call last night,” He couldn’t believe that was what he was choosing as his opening statement to her, but he couldn’t take it back now. “I wanted to see how you were doing and... uh, to talk.” 

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia smiled bashfully at Owen’s own smile, a small wash of relief calming the spark of nerves suddenly settling in her stomach. The smile fell slightly as Owen continued speaking, however, and was completely gone by the time he was finished. “Oh…” She let out a breath and moved away from him. Amelia shook her head, her eyebrows furrowed as Owen spoke about himself. “But you’re not -” She closed her mouth and nodded, quickly realizing that there was no point in trying to change Owen’s mind. She felt stupid, embarrassed, desperate. As if she’d completely misread Owen’s words and his actions. 

“Right. Yeah… Of course.” 

The relief she’d felt seconds before was completely gone now, fully replaced by a hard knot twisting in her stomach. She shook her head, her cheeks burning slightly. “Um, yeah. That makes sense. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to -” Before finally settling on a meek, “I should go.” Amelia stood up and grabbed her bag, moving to walk back to the front door. She paused for only a second, not fully turning to face him again. “I’ll see you around, Owen.” Amelia reached the front door and stepped outside just as the knot in her throat tightened and tears pricked the corners of her eyes. She closed her eyes with a deep breath and started in the direction of her house. 

Owen closed his eyes painfully, not wanting to see what he had done to Amelia. He shouldn’t have kissed her, he shouldn’t have tried to spend time with her, but she came here and she kissed him. He just couldn’t help himself if it was offered to him. For fucksake, of course he would try to do the right thing for once in his life and be treated like he was acting like the biggest twat in the whole world. 

“I just -,” 

She was already speaking again and he was kind of grateful for that, because what else was he going to say anyway? If she really disagreed with him then she wouldn’t be in such a rush to leave. Surely she would have something else to say? To argue with him? She knew it just as well as he did - he was pure shit. He was no good for her. “Yeah, yeah,” He stood up as she did, watching her walk out the door. 

There was nothing to say when she said ‘see you around’, because he wasn’t going to. This would be it, the end of their blip. He knew he had done the right thing for her and she knew it too, but it still didn’t make it easier to watch her leave him yet again. He fell back into his chair, lighting up a cigarette with no attempt to go outside with it or even open a window. 

“Fuck.”

He didn’t want this to be the end. 

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia nodded timidly at Owen’s comment about apologies, once again confronted by the sadness of the situation - Owen was unsurprised by anything she said at this point, because he had experienced it all first hand just as she had. He understood her, and in that moment she felt immense gratitude in having someone who didn’t judge her or pity her, but simply understood her. It was the kindest gift anyone could give her, and one of the best apologies she could have received. She wanted to ask about his Dad, if only to be able to show him the same care and understanding that he’d shown her. She wouldn’t though, because he didn’t want that, he didn’t need that. It wasn’t her place to pry. 

Her eyes returned to Owen’s when he mentioned his deal with Nate and she hesitated for a moment. He must have sensed that, as he quickly brushed off any violence. She nodded finally, wanting to ask about the other consequences, but knowing it was probably best if she didn’t know. Like he said, she wouldn’t like it anyway. “Okay, I will…” She started, before faintly adding. “I really hope he doesn’t, though.” The knots that twisted tightly in her stomach at the thought of Nate approaching her began to slowly unravel as Owen reaffirmed that he was on her side. She gave him a grateful smile. “Thank you again, Owen. For everything.” 

She nodded slowly at his words. She knew what he was implying, of course she did, as it was the same feeling she’d been denying herself for weeks. The reason why her fingers always tingled when they brushed against his, the reason why she kissed him back so passionately last time she was alone with him here, the reason why she was so quick to open up to him about things she’d kept secret from everyone else. A feeling that had hit her like a train the moment she fully processed what freedom from Nate felt like. She liked him. Still, Amelia found herself wanting to ask for clarity, to hear Owen speak the words, to make sure they really were both feeling the same way. She suddenly wished she was holding his hand again. “Yeah,” She said softly, finally breaking the silence. “The same reason I was so adamant about proving you were innocent.” She looked up from her lap and turned to face him as he continued to stare down at his hands. Amelia raised a timid hand and rested it on his cheek so he would look at her. She inched closer, glancing from his eyes to his lips as she did so, then closed the space between them with a kiss.

This kiss felt different than her first kiss with Owen. It was slow and tender, as if there was no rush and there were no worries other than two people expressing the feelings for each other that they’d repressed for far too long. When Amelia pulled away, the same small smile from last time played on her lips, but this time she wasn’t immediately struck with panic. Instead, she let out a slightly embarrassed laugh. “Sorry, I just -” She pulled away, but remained sitting closer than she had been before. “It just felt right.” 

It was encouraging that she didn’t want Nate back in her life. He knew it was normal in those situations to think that’s what you deserve and to keep wanting it, as that happened with his Mum, but it was good Amelia already seemed to be seeing that she was better out of that. And even though he had a plan in place should Nate try to get back into her life, he didn’t want to do anything with that. “Please, don’t thank me. You don’t need to,” It wasn’t something that needed thanking, he would do it again and again if he had to. 

The silence that came after Owen finally admitted that he had actual feelings for her made him worry. Of course Owen would put his feelings out on the table for her and get it pushed back in his face. “I mean -,” He spoke at the same time Amelia said ‘yeah’. She felt the same and maybe had been feeling it longer than Owen. He didn’t move as Amelia took his face and closed the gap between them. He didn’t move because he didn’t know whether he would move too fast or back away from her completely and so it was easier to just stay where he was. 

It was different from last time, because it was soft and slow whereas last time was fast and passionate. This was confirmation of what they felt and so it didn’t need to be rushed. When she pulled away he knew he was fucked, because now all he wanted to do was kiss Amelia again and again. “No, I -,” He smiled and scratched at his head. “That was really nice, uh -,” Fuck, he wanted to puke at himself. He also knew he shouldn’t be saying things like this or kissing Amelia, no matter how badly he wanted to do it. 

“I just... fuck, I don’t think we should be doing that. You just got out of things with that asshole and thinking of me? Like I’m pure shit, so this just isn’t right.” He shook his head, not looking directly in her eyes. “I’ll be here for whatever you need with Nate or you want to talk about anything, but that’s all I can be.” 

ameliasunshine​:

The mere thought of Nate leaving the flowers or trying to see her again was enough to make Amelia’s stomach twist in knots. She shook her head at Owen. “It couldn’t be him… At least, I don’t think it could be. It’s not his handwriting and…” She hesitated, looking down and fidgeting with her hands. “Well, he never apologized so directly like that, or really even at all.” Nate’s thought process had always been excusing the action, and giving gifts to make up for it, never truly acknowledging and apologizing. Amelia suddenly felt embarrassed, her cheeks burning as the familiar realization washed over her for the millionth time that week. She should have seen the signs, she should have left him. Her eyes remained anywhere but on Owen’s as she shook her head. “No, not at all. I haven’t even seen him around school.” She was relieved for that, as despite the lightness she’d immediately felt at being free of him, the anxiety of running into him at school was sometimes too much to bear throughout the week.

-

Amelia nodded slowly at the realization that Owen was single, just as she was. “Oh, I’m sorry,” She started, moving a hand to rest gently over his. “I didn’t know.” She shook her head. “I mean, I heard the rumours, but I just assumed they weren’t true.” Amelia looked up at Owen, smiling hesitantly then at the sight of his smile. She realized her hand was still resting over his and moved it swiftly, her eyebrows furrowing as she glanced down at her lap. “It wasn’t because of what I told you, was it? With Charlie coming to mine and everything… I didn’t want to complicate things for you.” 

He always thought his hands weren’t made for holding things as delicate as Amelia, but he always felt inclined to reach out to her. This time though he fought against that, not wanting to initiate anything physical like that with her, but how could he not want to hold her when it felt like she was never held properly the whole time with Nate? He held his own hand as a means to control himself, but he realised it would come across as holding himself upright in a proper, restricting way. “It wouldn’t be an apology anyway if it was him.” He barely voiced, thinking back to the times his dad came home with elaborate gifts for him or his mum. They were more ways to control the dynamics of the relationships, never apologies. 

Relief hit him as Amelia said she hadn’t seen him around, even though he didn’t expect Nate to approach Amelia directly after what had happened between them. Still, he felt the need to add, “You do need to let me know if he doesn’t... And I know what you think about it all, but he would be breaking a deal. There are other consequences, not just physical.” Despite what Amelia thought about it all, he had threatened Nate on matters other than being beat up. And despite knowing that he would never have Amelia in a way other than this, they were going to be connected for a long time. It felt like they both knew this. 

When Amelia’s hand came over Owen’s, he flipped his hand, so he could hold it back. He felt like he had been starved of her touch. “You don’t need to apologise,” He said with a light laugh. He still didn’t know the exact reason why they ended things that night. They had naturally come to the end of them? Charlie realised he actually had feelings for someone? He was bored of Charlie? All of them seemed plausible, but he knew as well that the final nail in the coffin for them was nailed in by Charlie as soon as she saw how he felt about Amelia. They would have ended in a week from then or a month, they were working on expiry dates, but the truth was in all the scenarios that could’ve ended them, it ended because of Amelia. 

“It wasn’t that...” He stared at his now untouched hand. “We were going to fucking end anyway, but I guess... she knew before I even knew why I went to see you that night and why I cared about Nate so much. We couldn’t stay together after that really.”

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia thought back to all of the times that she’d received flowers over the past few years and shrugged, feeling quite disillusioned by the idea of them being seen as a romantic gesture. Nate’s favorite way of apologizing had always been gift giving, flowers being at the top of that list. It always felt like whatever he’d given her was meant to be enough to smother whatever bad thing he’d done, to completely cover it up. At first it was, but now Amelia couldn’t really see flowers as anything other than that. Of course, she still appreciated this gesture, whoever it was from. 

Her eyes moved around the room after Owen took the note from her, taking in this private and very intimate look into his life. After his comment about his Dad, a lot of pieces fell into place for Amelia - why he was as cold as he was, why he chose to do what he did, and why he was so adamant about helping her. The last time she was here, she hadn’t really paid attention to her surroundings, because there was no reason to. She wondered where his Mum was. Amelia was taken out of her reverie by Owen’s question and her eyes immediately returned to his. “White roses.” It was an interesting choice, she’d noted how oddly specific a white rose seemed when she first saw them, but hadn’t thought anything more about it. Maybe that was what Owen needed to be able to tell her who sent them, but even that thought felt foolish - why would he know? Why had she come here? His shrug echoed her question, of course he didn’t know who it was. That’s not really why she’d come anyway, was it. 

Amelia looked back to the door for a second after taking the note back, knowing that she would probably be asked to leave now, as she’d come without warning. When she looked back to Owen though, he was motioning to the spot beside him on the sofa and she hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know-” She paused when he mentioned Charlie, furrowing her eyebrows. “Wait, what do you mean?” Surely that didn’t mean what she thought - and hoped - that it did, right? She’d just assumed all of the rumours about Charlie and Owen breaking up weren’t true. Amelia shook her head slightly, approaching the sofa slowly and sitting down with enough space between them. “You’re still together though, right?” 

At the response that they were white roses, Owen smirked slightly, but tried not to show any change in his facial expression. This was the most Charlie way to apologise for something. Every time they had a blazing argument that was always worked out through sex, she would still buy flowers for him if she felt that she was more at fault than him, and if she thought that he was fault (and she nearly always did) then she would send herself flowers. She must have known that Owen would find out about it, because her brain worked that way. She was not only apologising to Amelia, but to Owen. “Well, it’s weird. Are you sure it’s not Nate?” He asked with a shrug trying to seem like he really knew nothing, but then that made him wonder if in fact Nate would be so stupid as to try contact her again. With a bit more urgency, he added, “He hasn’t tried to see you, has he?” 

He suddenly felt weird over her knowing that him and Charlie weren’t together anymore. It was surprising that she didn’t know about them not being together and so that made him think maybe she didn’t really care about Owen’s relationship status. It was a hit to his ego. That kiss didn’t mean anything maybe. Well, if he hadn’t pushed her away as quickly as he did after that then he would have known how she felt about it. 

Despite knowing that they he shouldn’t do anything with her, he still watched her move to the sofa with an eagerness. “Uh... no, no, we broke up last weekend.” He said, chewing on his awkward smile as if he didn’t know what to do with smiles. 

ameliasunshine​:

This visit already felt more successful to Amelia than her last, given Owen’s greeting. “That’s okay, I don’t mind.” She smiled and nodded, stepping into the house and following him into the living room. He sat on the sofa and she remained standing, feeling slightly hesitant in sitting too close to him after what happened last time she’d been here. Although rumours around school said otherwise, she was assuming he was still with Charlie, and wanted to respect that. 

Amelia laughed softly, shaking her head. “No, it seems you’ve done a better job holding onto your lighter now.” She sighed. “Sorry about showing up like this, I was trying to keep distant like you asked, but then yesterday I came home to a bouquet flowers left for me?” Amelia shook her head. “I just, I know it wasn’t Nate, because the handwriting isn’t his, and I guess I wanted to see if you might know who left them?” She hadn’t initially even considered Owen to have been the one to leave the flowers, but it felt like an apt reason to reach out nonetheless. Now though, as she explained the situation, she felt dumb for even bringing it up. “It’s not that I assumed you left them or anything, it just seems strange that they’d be left for me now after all that’s happened…” Amelia reached into her pocket and hesitantly sat on the sofa, then handed the small piece of paper to him. “Anyway, this was all that was left with them.” As he took the paper, their fingers grazed and Amelia felt the same tingling sensation that she’d felt last time his hand brushed hers. She pulled her hand away and looked at her lap. 

It was almost funny that Amelia was approaching him about flowers, like he could ever be the sort of person that might buy someone flowers. He imagined himself in a different life buying flowers for someone and it felt like the furthest reality to his current life. Still, he was sort of grateful for Amelia coming up with a far-fetched reason (that he might know who was sending flowers to her) to see him. That’s how he saw it anyway. Of course, she wouldn’t know the stab of jealously he felt in the middle of his chest at the thought of someone displaying affection for Amelia in a way that was perfect for her. Amelia was supposed to get flowers, chocolates, big teddy bears won for her from those stupid fairground games and candlelit meals with Ed fucking Sheeran playing in the background,  but that wasn’t Owen at all. It was the furthest life from his. 

“Pretty romantic gesture.” He scoffed in an attempt to get rid of the sharp stab of jealously sitting in him. “Sure, I’ll look,” He cautiously reached out his hand, almost dreading the way his skin would most definitely soften at her touch as it always did. Hands like his weren’t made for touches like the one Amelia provided. And then, yet again, his hand was soft. He kept his fingers against hers for a second longer than required, looking for a reason to remain soft for a little longer. 

He looked over the note - ‘Sorry X’. It was stupidly obvious to him who this had come from. It was Charlie’s style to send flowers with an anonymous note, never wanting to admit she could gift someone these. On top of all this, it was her handwriting. He didn’t want to admit that Charlie knew about Amelia and Nate, because that was something he would never tell her now. In that moment though it felt like the only thing to do. And so, he shrugged, “What flowers did you say they were?” It would be further proof with her answer. Whenever Charlie had flowers in her room or in her kitchen, they were white. Shades and shades of white. “No idea though anyway.” 

He reached his hand tentatively out to give the note back, but withdrew before he went too far. Deciding on another way to get her close. “Uh... it’s like you’re interrogating me standing up like that. Do you wanna sit down... unless you’re going now?” He gestured at the space next to him, biting down on his lip. “As you’re here, you could stay a bit. Nobody’s going to see and talk and Charlie wouldn’t care anymore.” It was a subtle drop of information and he wasn’t sure it would ever make a difference to what they were, but that didn’t stop him from wanting her to know that he was free to be hers. 

ready for it | owen + amelia

It was hard to gauge how deeply Nate had rooted himself within every part of Amelia’s life, her thoughts, her identity, until he simply ceased to be involved with her at all. She’d never realized how little they naturally crossed paths until there was nothing there to force it. In fact, she’d gone the entire week at school without really seeing him at all. Each day she felt lighter and more relaxed, it finally felt like she was in control of her life again, and it was a feeling she was oddly still getting used to. Amelia’s Mum and Dad had continued to mention Nate in passing a few times throughout the week, but by Thursday evening it seemed like they realized that this breakup was an end, one that they still seemed upset over. They’d never know the truth, why things ended and why it’s so good now that they had, but in moments like that, she wished she could tell them just now bad everything had been. Would they still be disappointed then?

Then the flowers arrived. 

She’d gotten home after school Friday to find a bouquet awaiting her, a small note attached with her name on it. An apology. Her mind immediately went to Nate, a thought which made her stomach twist in knots. It wasn’t his handwriting though, it wouldn’t have been him. Until that point, she had followed Owen’s suggestion to keep her distance, practicing the same secret-keeping and mask-wearing that she’d been so accustomed to, but this time instead of protecting Nate, it felt like she was protecting Owen - protecting their friendship. She avoided areas she thought he might be, and when she didn’t see him around school, she figured he was doing the same. As the days passed, the rumours of the previous weekend seemed to die down a bit, but Amelia’s temptation to see Owen, to speak to him, had only intensified. Now that she had the mystery of who sent the flowers, she felt like she needed to act on this temptation, and ask if he knew who the flowers were from. Were they from him? But then again, that didn’t seem right either. He had Charlie, anyway. The small moment they had Monday was just that, a moment of soft understanding that didn’t have any other meaning or motive. Despite this, the next day, she found herself on his street like she had been two weeks before, this time less timid and a lot less confused about where she stood with him. Their conversation Monday morning had been cathartic for her, and she felt like it might have been the same for him, as it was the most open and vulnerable that he had ever been with her. 

Amelia approached the door, knocking softly but with intention, the smallest burst of confidence that hadn’t been there the other week. As she waited for the door to open, she tried to think through what she’d even say to him. There was no time though, as the door swiftly opened and Owen was in front of her. All Amelia could do was smile softly. “Hi, is this a bad time? I was hoping we could talk.”

Owen hadn’t been awake for long when he heard a knock at the door for the second time that day. Earlier it had been for a food delivery that a guy he knew, Oli, dropped off for him. Again, his mother was in a down phase of her life. She barely left her room and so Owen made her one of the few meals he could make perfectly and watched her take her prescribed medications and vitamins. He told her that she should come downstairs, but she wouldn’t. They both knew that. 

He had some of his team coming for a pick-up later on in the afternoon, so he had time to prepare himself. With JJ taking a step back from the business for obvious reasons and without Charlie around to assist with the boring stuff for even more obvious reasons, it meant that Owen was actually alone at the top. It was shite. 

Answering the door again, he thought it was someone early for the pick up and was getting ready to bollock them, but it was someone he didn’t think he could ever bring himself to yell at again. He stared in confusion at Amelia, as he took in the fact she was actually there and figured out to what to say and how to act. 

After telling her that she should stay away from him for a bit, he felt like he was constantly seeing her around college. Or maybe he had always seen her around, but just hadn’t registered it before. Anytime he saw her, he would smile and turn away before she had noticed him there. He took joy in the fact that she already looked brighter than when she was with Nate. 

He hadn’t expected to see her at his door. It had just been an assumption that she might just forget about Owen altogether, but here she was asking to come in. Nervous was the only word that felt fitting for what Owen was feeling at her wanting to talk. What about? He gestured inside with an uneasy hand that he clenched as soon as realised. “Uh... yeah, sure, come in, it’s a mess, but sure,” God, he hated that he even sounded nervous. Once they were in his living room and he had sat down on the sofa, he decided to hide the nerves as well as he could. Clearing his throat, he commented, “You just couldn’t stay away from me, could you? Have you found some other item of mine on one of your runs?”

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia wanted to roll her eyes at Owen, speaking to her as if she was a child who had no idea how the world worked. It was bullshit and it was a cop out. Yes, terrible people exist and terrible things happen, you didn’t have to look further than Spenningdale to see that, but the notion that violence and power were the only way around situations like that was not something she was willing to prescribe to. She opened her mouth to argue this, but Owen’s mention of rumours brought immediate pause. Amelia held his gaze, nodding her head slightly, her voice light but firm. “I know that, Owen. Of course I do. I’ve always given you the benefit of the doubt, before I even really knew you and now. I’m not blaming you, I’m grateful for you… You saved me. I just - that’s not how I see things, or how I choose to handle things, and I don’t think I’m wrong for that.” 

She watched Owen pause, her eyes trained on his as he spoke again. The words pierced her skin - his pain as palpable to her as any of the pain she’d experienced. She found herself wanting to wrap her arms around him as he’d done to her Friday night, to comfort him, to soothe away any of the trauma he’d been repressing. She didn’t though, she couldn’t - they were on campus green, surrounded by the same students who had been whispering about them since Friday night. Owen had finished speaking then, and it took a moment before Amelia’s outward reaction caught up with her mind. What could she say to that? Her mouth opened and closed, her hesitation evident. She finally settled on a soft, “Okay. It’s okay.” 

The sudden shift in energy between the two of them jolted Amelia, as Owen once again stood proudly, closing back up right in front of her. She just nodded at his refusal to apologize. “That’s okay, I don’t want an apology. I just needed to tell you how I felt. I don’t think you’re wrong for choosing to handle things the way that you do, but when it involves me, I think it’s fair that I have a say in what happens… Or at least an opinion about it. There have been so many times in the past two years that my feelings and opinions have been ignored, that I really don’t think I’m being ridiculous about this.” Amelia looked up at Owen with a gentle expression and a soft nod. “That’s all I wanted to say.” 

Had Owen ever been told he had saved someone before? Despite him actually saving his Mum from the situation with his Dad, his Mum never acknowledged it and he knew she missed his Dad more than she felt free. He didn’t want the same for Amelia. Maybe Charlie had said it to him once or twice, but with sarcasm wrapped around every letter. No, this was different. Amelia meant it and he wanted to throw up at the fact that he enjoyed her saying it, like he wanted to be that person for her. He grew bashful and shrugged. “Yeah, I know and you’re fine for that. I just... That’s how I handle things and you told me about it all, so that’s how I handled it.” 

He hadn’t wanted to tell Amelia and he sure as hell didn’t need the thousands of questions she was sure to ask after he told her, because that was just Amelia’s way. She didn’t ask a single thing though and she had been grateful towards him before, but now he was grateful for her for just that small act of kindness. Her eyes felt heavy on him and so he avoided her stare completely as he nodded once. Topic closed. 

Amelia had always been able to find a way to make Owen feel guilty, like she knew the things about her that would make him feel bad. He didn’t even really know he could feel remorse until he started speaking to her, but now here he was, feeling like pure shit for what he had done. It was still the right choice though? It had to be, because he couldn’t do anything to change it now. 

“Well, if that’s all you had to say...” He trailed off, staring at his feet, willing them to move. He shifted his body, taking a step away, before stopping again. No, take another step, no, stay right where you are. “I wouldn’t want you to feel like I ignore how you feel or what you want. I did it with your best intentions... I -,” He took one hand from behind his back, breaking the tie, and tucked two fingers under one of her palms, simply stroking the soft skin there. His fingers tingled and he only wondered for a moment if her skin did the same. “I am sorry for it all.” 

Slowly, as if she was a small animal he didn’t want to wake, he retrieved his fingers, turning to finally walk away, but knowing he couldn’t let this sudden show of weird vulnerability, he turned back around when he was a few steps away. 

“You should probably stay away from me for a bit. You don’t want to excite people further with the gossip and everything.” He said it with a smirk as if the problem really was with her being unable to stay away from him and not the other way around. 

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia could only shake her head weakly at the thought of how pathetic Nate had sounded on the phone now in context of Owen’s words. She knew deep down that part of her should find some sort of relief in all of this - a comfort in knowing that Nate was given a taste of his own medicine and would hopefully never hurt someone else again the way he’d hurt her. She didn’t feel any of that though. In fact, the mere thought that she’d been the catalyst to all of this was enough to make her feel sick with guilt. She had been the one to upset Nate in the first place, and she’s the one that confided in Owen. No matter Owen’s reason, this all came back to her. These thoughts overwhelmed her, so when Owen moved the slightest bit closer to her and posed a question she was now repeating over and over in her head, she couldn’t settle on an answer immediately. Her mouth gaped open and she shook her head slightly. “I just - I felt trapped and I was scared… But I - I didn’t want anyone to get hurt like I had been. You can’t just fight violence with more violence, nothing gets better and everyone ends up hurt.” 

She couldn’t do anything but freeze at the next words out of Owen’s mouth. He had been protecting her, just as she’d thought he might that night. He was a knight and the dragon had been slain, but why didn’t she feel victorious? She glanced to his hand, resisting a flinch at the all too familiar purple splotches across his knuckles. Amelia reached a hesitant hand up, the most delicate of thank yous, and rested it on his bruised hand for a moment before moving it away from her and back to his side. She ignored the soft flutter in her stomach at her fingers brushing against his as she pulled her hand away. “Thank you for helping me, Owen. Really. I don’t know what I would have done without you stepping in. I just, I really wish I’d known what you were planning to do before everything got so complicated. I could have stopped it from getting so violent.” She motioned to the hand that had just been in hers. “Now you’re bruised and Nate is hurt and it’s all because of me.” She sighed and shook her head. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have just ended things with Nate myself.” 

It felt to Owen that Amelia had no idea what she was talking about, of course, this was an unfair statement to make, but what she was saying was so fantastical that he realised he would have to let her know that wasn’t the real world. This real world was full of monsters that looked just like real people and if they showed violence sometimes you had to be the more violent one just to save yourself. He winced at his internal metaphor and looked her dead in the eye as he opened up more than he had ever done before. Mainly to shut her up about the whole thing, but still, he was pretty sure if she looked hard enough now then she would be able to look right through him. “Yeah, well, Amelia, that’s how you need to save yourself sometimes... Like I actually know that you don’t fight violence with violence. Most of the shit you hear about me isn’t fucking true, like I’m not in fights or whatever they say, I threaten people with it, because it’s power.” He sighed, close to biting his tongue to not say the next part. “If I didn’t hurt Nate, if I didn’t hurt my Dad when he used to beat up my Mum... Well, other people might have gotten fucking hurt, but at least you’re not getting hurt anymore.” 

It took all the effort in the world for Owen not to flinch as he felt Amelia’s hand on his. It was louder than any of the words she had been saying all this time. It was all he needed to hear. Thank you. It’s okay. He bit his bottom lip and stared at their hands that didn’t belong together. Purple skin under precious fingers. And then it was over and it felt like it hadn’t even happened to him. He quickly moved his hands to hold together at his back, as if they were tied up. “Like I said I’m not apologising for it.” He let out a humourless laugh and looked back at her face that thought things could be fixed so easily. “You’re being ridiculous, you know? It was done for you, not because of you. Just be fucking glad it’s over and you don’t need to come up with some peaceful fucking solution, because he doesn’t deserve it.” 

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia’s eyebrows lowered slightly at his ill-mannered joke. “Owen,” she implored, softly this time. She watched as he straightened, explaining himself. Amelia hesitated at his question, but ultimately nodded her head. “We spoke Saturday morning, he ended things.” The words still felt surreal leaving her mouth, just as they had when she’d heard a different variation of them from Nate’s mouth, and as they had when she’d told her parents. The fact that Owen was the first person aside from her Mum and Dad to know about the breakup felt odd yet brought a wave of relief, as if it was news she had been waiting to tell him for weeks.

Amelia shook her head, clearing those thoughts away. “But I don’t want to talk about that, I want to talk about what happened after you left my house Friday night. What did you do to him? I haven’t seen him and I need to know what happened.” She looked down at his bruised hand, then back into his eyes. “So the rumours are true, then? You beat him up? That’s…” Amelia hesitated, feeling the knots in her stomach twist tighter at the thought of Nate on the ground, like everyone was saying, covered in blood and bruises. “That’s not what I wanted, Owen. That’s not how you fix things and this wasn’t your problem to fix. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” 

At the slight chiding he received from Amelia, he decided not to show too much enthusiasm at them being over. Although he hadn’t been worried about it, not really. Only an idiot would not have accepted Owen’s threat and even though he held Nate in the lowest regard, he would’ve been shocked if this had gone a different way. He was prepared for that as well though. He had gotten eyes on Nate with one of his employees, paying him a lucrative amount for watching his house for the weekend. There were no reports of him going anywhere near Amelia. He turned his face away slightly to let his mouth smile for a moment before she asked him more questions. 

He sighed. If this had been Charlie, she would have questions, sure, but they would be asked with a smirk, not like this at all. He was supposed to feel bad about this? “Well, he had the energy to speak to you, I think that’s all you need to know,” He said, not giving away everything that had happened, as he quickly realised Amelia would not like it at all. In fact she would hate it. “I wouldn’t trust all the rumours, but yeah... I roughed him up a bit and told him what would happen if he didn’t stay away from you.” There was only so much Owen could take of this. He wasn’t used to being questioned for his actions. Standing up straighter and moved his hands to hover over her arms, but never actually touching them, as he didn’t want to freak her out. “And what did you want, Amelia? Because it seemed like you were just going to stay with him and it did sort of feel like my problem after you told me.” He shook his head aggressively. “I’m not going to apologise for it either. I would do it again and again, because it was to... well, to protect you.” 

dancing with our hands tied | owen + amelia

The rest of Amelia’s weekend was quiet and uneventful after Saturday morning, something that was a welcomed relief after the week that led up to it. It was easy enough to explain away the break up to her parents, chalking it up to differences in schedules and Nate needing to focus on entry exams for university. She’d spent a year making up lies to defend her relationship, it was easy enough now to make up this final one - giving their relationship the redeemable ending that it didn’t actually deserve, giving Nate credit that he hadn’t earned. Now, as she sat in her Mum’s car as they pulled up to college, triple-checking that her bruised cheekbone was properly concealed, she could feel the slightest butterflies emerging in her stomach. Nate had made it clear that he didn’t want to see her, but what if he changed his mind? And what about Owen? Surely he’d had something to do with this after all. 

Amelia said bye to her Mum and climbed out of the car, walking in the direction of her class. She passed by a group of students, some of which she vaguely recognized from the year above, people Nate had introduced her to at various parties. 

“People are saying it was Owen, you know… Nate’s been silent since that night though.” 

“Well can you blame him? He got the shit kicked out of him.” 

“Did you see his face? They said you could already see the bruise before he’d even gotten up.”

“I heard he coughed up blood when they found him in the alleyway.” 

Amelia couldn’t help but freeze as she overheard the conversation, piecing the information together, her face suddenly burning. She was pulled out of her reverie by one of the girls speaking up in a sympathetic voice. “Oh, hey Amelia. We heard about Nate, hope he’s feeling better.” Amelia shook her head and turned back to the group, dazed. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t will anything out, despite the expectant looks riddled with concern growing on their faces. She stood frozen for a moment longer, before giving a sheepish nod and smile, then turned to quickly walk towards campus green. Amelia felt out of control of her body as she darted towards the only place she thought he’d be, looking around erratically until she found him, leaning up against the side of a building with a lit cigarette in his mouth. 

“Owen,” Amelia started, unable to control the emotion in her voice as she approached him. “What the fuck is going on?” She grew quieter once she reached him, stepping closer despite the cigarette smoke. “What happened after you left my house Friday night? What did you do to Nate?”

Nobody really talks about how long it takes knuckles to heal after punching someone. It takes days, but if severe then it takes weeks. Owen shifted his hand that held his cigarette and stared at the pretty purple hills. It brought a smug smile to his lips. It was the only mark left on him from his ‘fight’ with Nate and he wore it well. The perfect accessory for any small village drug dealer. He thought it would only last a few more days, but he wouldn’t mind it sticking around for weeks or months. It would remind him that he did the right thing, whatever anyone thought of him, he did the right thing here.

Sighing, he brought the cigarette back to his lips. Was it about doing the right thing though? Was it really about the fact that it made him sick to his stomach to think about another girl being in a violent love? Or was it because this girl was Amelia? He still didn’t have answers for that, but he had spent a lot of time distracting himself from talking to her this past weekend. He wanted to know she was okay, that Nate had left her alone, but he knew she needed time and space as well. 

And, of course, if any of the looks he got today walking across campus, and the things he heard that went like, ‘He doesn’t look like he’s been in his fight’, ‘I’ve heard him and Amelia have been shagging for months’, ‘I think someone set a hit up against Nate’ ‘No way, he worked for Owen secretly, right?’ ‘What about Charlie?’, ‘look at his hand - it was definitely fucking him!’... Well, he knew Amelia would seek him out today. Even if he found rumours funny, he didn’t think Amelia would. 

Still she approached him a lot sooner than he expected. He wasn’t even able to finish his cigarette in peace. 

“Good morning to you as well,” He stated with a blank face, as if he didn’t know quite what was going on. “I killed him,” He chuckled before waving a hand dismissively. He took it more seriously, standing up straight. “I did what I said I would do. I fixed it. Did he end things with you?” 

ameliasunshine​:

After the words left Amelia’s mouth, she felt lighter, but the air surrounding both of them felt thick, heavy. As if the toxicity of the secret she’d been hiding over the past year to protect Nate had drained out of her and polluted the air. She resisted the urge to tug down on the sleeves of her sweatshirt, to shut the door, to hide away in her room like she hadn’t just admitted one of her darkest kept secrets. Amelia shook her head weakly at Owen’s words, the thought of approaching Nate to end things intimidating her more than any encounter with Owen ever had. “It’s not that easy,” She reasoned quietly, her hands beginning to shake at the thought of Nate’s wrath. A silent tear rolled down her cheek and she lifted a delicate hand to wipe it away. “I want it to be over, but it’s not that easy.”

Amelia looked up at Owen with sad eyes, puddles threatening to pool over at any moment. She cowered slightly as he moved to cover her arms, remaining rigid for a moment after his arms wrapped around her. She didn’t know what to think, one of the most ruthless people she’d ever met - soft, comforting. She allowed herself to relax under his hug, to rest her head against his chest. The words that left his mouth next, the most gentle he’d ever been with her, were enough to make the puddles in her eyes break into streams. Amelia’s head remained buried in Owen’s chest as she cried, feeling the strangest mix of hope and hopelessness. With Owen’s arms wrapped around her, she felt the most comforted she’d felt in a long time, but the reason that all of this was happening in the first place stayed settled around her, polluting her comfort. She pulled away slightly, shaking her head as she got a grip on herself. “It is, though. It is. I should have known better than to meddle in something that had nothing to do with me. I should have left you alone the first time. But I didn’t, and now I’m dealing with that.” Amelia pulled away completely then, wiping at her cheeks as she sniffled once. “You should go, Owen. I’m fine, It’ll be okay.” 

Even though Owen had no part to play in this relationship between Amelia and Nate, and therefore could not say with this much certainty that it was over, he continued with his forceful certainty that it was over. “It’s over. It has to be.” He wasn’t going to let it continue on. If Amelia couldn’t find a way for it to be over, then Owen would find the way. He had helped to end something like this before and he would do it again. It needed to be done. “It’s over.” He repeated with perhaps even more certainty than before, as it was clear he was going to have to be the one to end it and he had complete confidence in himself. 

With Amelia in his arms, he thought, hey, this felt like something he could do, if not all the time, then a lot of it. He was never presented with a lot of opportunities to hug people, especially not Charlie. She didn’t want anyone to touch her unless it was for sex, everything was on her terms though when it came to that. In fact most people in his life, himself included, was scared of physical intimacy, but to give Amelia this affection that she seemed to need in this moment felt right to him. His mouth was left a little open and soft as she pulled away, disagreeing with him again. “It’s not your fault, I...” He bit down on his tongue and then shook his head, deciding he did need to say these words. “I’m sorry, okay? For everything. For being a cunt, for this, for kissing you, but I’ll fucking make up for it now.” And with that he walked away, off to find Nate and to get Amelia out of this mess that he might have contributed to in some way. 

ameliasunshine​:

Amelia knew immediately from Owen’s reaction that he didn’t believe her, and deep down a piece of her was relieved. Relieved that there was at least one person in her life who could see past the facade she had been forced to put up. Then again, Owen wasn’t really in her life, was he? He had made that perfectly clear and her conversation with Charlie had done nothing but solidified how different they truly were, how completely flawed her plan on helping him had really been. At the reminder of this, she could have easily asked him - why do you care that I’m lying, that this has happened to me? Why does it even matter? And then he said something that cancelled out all of those thoughts - 

It won’t happen again. 

For a moment the relief returned, and Amelia wanted to believe that Owen had come here to save her, that she would finally be cut from the net of lies and deceit and subtle manipulation that she had become so entangled in over the past year. But this was Owen Summers, and promises like this didn’t come without a price. She wanted to laugh, to pull up the sleeves of the sweatshirt she was wearing and show all of the fading bruises that covered her arms, the splotches of red and purple on her side. It would never be the last time. It would never be over. And at this point, Amelia really only had herself to blame. She offered her help to Owen. She kissed him back. And she brought up Charlie and Owen to Nate. Her choice to get involved with him had been the catalyst to this, so how could he be the one to stop it? 

Amelia stayed quiet for a moment after Owen fumbled over his reasoning for being here, opening her mouth to deny, deny, deny as he mentioned Charlie. She couldn’t bring herself to lie anymore, she was exhausted. So she simply gave a weak nod. “Yeah,” she started, before words suddenly felt like they were going to pour out of every pore of her body in desperation, despite every part of her internally screaming no. “It’s not the first time though,” She said, going against herself, speaking even quieter than her initial agreement. Amelia tugged gently on the sleeves of her sweatshirt, revealing various stages of healing marks from where Nate had “accidentally” grabbed her too roughly or tried to get a point across. “That night after she left, I tried to end things, to tell him that I knew everything, but I shouldn’t have-” She trailed off, feeling all of the suppressed emotions from the past few days bubble up in her until she was fighting with every fiber of her being to push back tears that were threatening to pool over. “This was a mistake, Owen. I should have never tried to get involved in the case.” 

At the confirmation that it did happen after Amelia’s conversation with Charlie and that it wasn’t the first time, Owen could have easily said he knew it wasn’t. Of course, it wasn’t. He didn’t really know though. He knew there was a reason that he thought she was delicate, he knew there was something about the way she presented herself that showed she was carrying more shit than most people, he knew there was a reason that even though he pushed her away, he always seemed to not want to hurt her too much by doing that. It all made sense when she told him it wasn’t the first time, but of course, he didn’t really know. So instead of admitting something that wasn’t true, he just nodded several times. And then she was rolling up her sleeves and he kept nodding, but was darting his eyes from hers and the ceiling.

In his mind, he was a child, discovering his mother’s bruises for the first time. They were on her back and he had just caught glimpse of them as he walked past her room. A splattering of colours. He might have questioned it later and received a lie in response. Now, back in this moment with Amelia, he only found it bearable to glance at her arms by replacing her skin with Nate’s face. It would be bloodier than this.

“But you can’t be with him anymore, yeah? It’s over now. It’s got to be and I’m not… I’m not just saying that, because,” He stopped himself momentarily, ‘because’ what? He stared in the wet pools that were her eyes right now and he knew he couldn’t say anything stupid, anything that might not true. The truth was he still didn’t know how he got here and why he had wanted to come here, but he was glad he was.

She regretted being a part of the case and if she regretted that, then it put some of the blame for all this mess on him. Without another thought, he cautiously reached out and covered her arms with his and then he awkwardly wrapped himself around her. It was softer than he had learnt to be, but it was what was required here. “This isn’t anything to do with what you’ve done, you know that, right?” He spoke to the top of her head.

ameliasunshine​:

“No, I just-” I just need you to leave me alone, Owen. Amelia needed to say those words to him, to shut things off between them for good. But then he was putting slight pressure on the door and she trailed off, all of her attention placed on making sure the crack in the door stayed as narrow as possible. “Owen, really. You shouldn’t-” She barely registered his question before he was pushing against the door again, this time firmly enough for it to swing open before she could stop it. Amelia’s stomach flipped as her mouth gaped slightly and she and Owen simply stared at each other. 

She jumped slightly, flinching as he kicked the wall. “Owen… “ His question caught her off guard for a moment as she briefly forgot that he actually knew Nate. She shook her head fervently as she took a step away from him. “What? No, no. It’s not- it’s nothing, it was just… an accident. I tripped on a run the other day.” Voice still weak, weaker than she hoped for it to be as she tried to convince Owen that everything was normal, Amelia cleared her throat and crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to look casual and immediately changed the topic. “Why are you here?” 

Every new word Amelia spoke hit him in a different and more powerful way than the last word. She was lying. Not only was he relatively good at being able to catch a liar, but she was lying about a topic Owen was all too familiar with. Any time he used to ask his Mum why her eye socket was spitting purple tendrils or why she couldn’t stand up today without grimacing, she would always have a clever answer that made it look like she was just being stupid or accident-prone. It highlighted even more that she thought it was all her own fault. The blame sat heavy on her tongue and now Amelia was speaking with the same one. 

“Why... why -,” He wanted to shake her as if that would do any good. He couldn’t ask the question, because he knew the answer. He rubbed hard on his forehead, looking for a way to get through to her. “You’re lying. I know you are and that he did this to you. I can tell by the way you’re fucking acting now. It won’t happen again.” 

And now she was changing the subject, a classic move to pretend this was all an accident again. He snorted, a smile without joy spreading out across his face. “Well, that hardly fucking matters now, does it?” He sighed. “I don’t really know anyway. I guess... Charlie told me what she did. Is this,” He pointed at her face in a non-subtle way that was sort of subtle for Owen. “to do with what she told you?”