I Vid. I Write. I Fangirl.

Lucy Gray woke in the middle of the night, bile rising up in her throat unexpectedly. She ran out of her room, burst into the backyard, and heaved into the dried grass by the door, retching intermittently for over a minute before the rawness could be soothed by a scoop of water from the cistern near the house.

Lucy Gray went back for a few more scoops of water, ignoring as it dripped down her chin and under her nightdress. She was sweating, though the cool night air whipped around her. She felt weak and had to lean against the outdoor wall of her home for support.

It wasn’t until the back door opened again and Barb Azure stepped out that she realized her bursting had alerted anyone else in the household.

“Lucy Gray?” she asked, rubbing her eyes. “Are you alright?”

“I…I think so,” she managed, swallowing hard. “I just threw up.”

Barb Azure looked down to the disgusting pile of vomit on the ground and the trail of wet marks from the cistern to the house.

“Here, sit down,” she encouraged, bringing a wooden chair over to where her cousin’s weak, fragile body was trembling. “I’ll get you some more water.”

“Thanks,” came out almost as a whisper, but she eagerly took the water from her cousin when she brought a cup over filled to the brim.

Barb Azure felt her forehead.

“You’re warm, but I don’t think you have a fever. We all ate the same thing tonight, and no one else got sick. So, I don’t know what else it could…” she trailed off, and then her eyes met Lucy Gray’s, the same thought merging at that very moment.

“No,” Lucy Gray said instantly, before the accusation could even be made. “We’re careful.”

Barb Azure folded her arms and raised her eyebrows.

“How careful?”

“He always pulls out before he…y’know.”

“Always?”

Lucy Gray nodded, annoyed, though she knew her cousin had good reason to doubt her the way she and Coriolanus went at it like rabbits.

“What about right before he left? How long has he been gone?”

“He’s been gone five weeks, but I don’t see what that has to do with-”

“Have you bled?” she demanded, and Lucy Gray didn’t even have to think about it.

She hadn’t.

In fact, she’d been so wrapped up in thinking and dreaming about Coriolanus, and then enjoying his letters and most recently his bird message to even question how good she’d been feeling lately.

“Your silence tells a mouthful,” Barb Azure scowled, heading for the house.

Lucy Gray shot up.

“I’m not pregnant.”

Barb Azure spun around.

“There’s no other explanation, Lucy Gray. You weren’t careful the last time you and Coriolanus went at it. It’s been over a month, and you haven’t bled. And now you’re vomiting with no other clear reason behind it. You’re pregnant.”

She continued to scowl, pacing in front of her.

“Pregnant with a peacekeeper’s baby. And a peacekeeper who’s not even here to know about it or take responsibility!”

She stopped to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“You have to tell him.”

“What? No!” Lucy Gray shot back. “I mean, not yet. He’s busy with officer training, and he’s coming back. I can’t tell him till he comes back.”

“And what if he doesn’t come back?”

Lucy Gray swallowed hard.

“Why wouldn’t he? He loves me. He says in every letter how much he misses me and wants to be with me. Why would that suddenly change? Especially if he doesn’t know.”

“So, you do think him knowing would keep him from returning,” she said, testily.

Lucy Gray was crushed. Barb Azure had been so supportive of her relationship with Coriolanus ever since reading his first letter – or the part that Lucy Gray let her read. Why was she now assuming the worst of him all over again?

“I didn’t say that,” she said softly.

“You didn’t have to.”

Lucy Gray’s brows narrowed, and she straightened her stance.

“If you’re so certain that he’ll run if he knows, then I shouldn’t have to tell him through a bird or even a letter, should I?”

“Did you just say, a bird?”

Lucy Gray lifted her chin.

“That’s what Sejanus brought me. A jabberjay with a message from Coriolanus. I can send one back tomorrow.”

“What if his commanding officer intercepts it and learns of your secret relationship?”

“Even more of a reason not to tell him until he returns.”

She crossed the yard to get to the back door, suddenly feeling very confident and antagonizing, despite how weak the vomiting had made her feel.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go back to bed.”

She slammed the door behind her, leaving Barb Azure scowling in the dark.

…

The following morning Lucy Gray took the bird and the controller and made the march out into the meadow where she liked to play her guitar, and what she had come to claim as hers and Coriolanus’ meadow – where they kissed and made love and sometimes just talked.

She hated the idea of not being able to keep her lover’s message in order to send him one of her own, but that was the nature of the jabberjays. And besides, keeping the jabberjay in the Covey home simply to keep the message to herself was just too risky.

There was the embarrassment from Maude Ivory listening to something incredibly private and intimate, and then there was somehow the authorities barging in and discovering it and how she might be punished for becoming entangled with a peacekeeper, especially now that she was…pregnant.

Pregnant.

Pregnant at 16!

Pregnant with her Capitol mentor’s baby. Her Coriolanus’.

That complicated so many things, and she really didn’t know how he’d react and couldn’t imagine having to wait several days or possibly three more weeks to find out.

And what if he didn’t want the responsibility like her cousin had implied? What if he stayed in 2 when he found out? Or maybe even transferred to the Capitol? Would he leave her forever because he didn’t want a bastard son or daughter, much less one from a district girl?

She didn’t think he would, but they’d been together for such a short period, and she knew how he valued status and power and prestige and everything she hated about the Capitol?

What would he really do if he knew?

Would he come back to her?

And was it right of her to wait to tell him, and so trap him someplace he didn’t want to be?

Her mind was screaming at her all different thoughts and possibilities and worst-case scenarios.

In fact, it was only the unexpected squawking of the jabberjay planted in front of her that pulled her from the chaos of her own mind.

She sat down and leaned against the tree, pulling the birdcage in close. She heaved a sigh and tried to calm herself.

She wished she could talk to someone, anyone, who wouldn’t make matters worse.

And she knew there was only one person who could fulfill that desire, who she trusted and loved implicitly, even as Barb Azure had put doubts in her head.

And that was Coriolanus.

She lifted the remote from her lap and pressed the green button, listening to his message one last time before pressing the red button and erasing it, a tear slipping down her cheek as his voice was taken from her once again.

“Coriolanus,” she began, after pressing the green button once more. “I don’t know how to begin or how you’ll even take this, but Barb Azure told me to tell you, and she’s usually right about these things, so I suppose I will.”

She swallowed hard.

Poppy trudged ahead of Alex on their way back to the campsite.

It would be an hour’s walk, and somehow, they had to make it back without thinking too much about how naked they’d been in each other’s arms under the waterfall.

From the moment Poppy had met Alex a year ago, she’d tossed in the back of her mind that he was not unattractive to look at. He was cute in the traditional way. Their personalities had just been so opposite that she’d never even considered anything beyond the fact that he was cute.

Of course, shortly after he’d mentioned he had a girlfriend, and that was the end of any wandering contemplation about something beyond one-time acquaintances on a car ride home.

Then, they’d become friends, and while how appealing he was to look at was never at the forefront of her mind when she’d thought of him, seeing him nearly naked the night before and ripped to boot had made her think things that she probably shouldn’t be thinking as his platonic travel companion.

And then they’d had sex.

She’d sworn it wouldn’t change a thing between them, but she knew it already had. If nothing else, Alex itching to do it again made her feel things she couldn’t remember ever feeling before. All the guys she’d hooked up with in the past six months had been one-night stands. And none of the experiences had been memorable, even if she did manage to get an orgasm out of most of them.

A part of her didn’t want it to be memorable with Alex because then what if she started feeling things?

She’d accused him of going down that road while they’d been in the pool, but really it was her who was at risk.

In a very short period of time, he’d become everything to her. Their relationship had been the only thing holding her back from deciding to move to New York to pursue her dreams. She didn’t want to lose him in the process, and his sappy smile when he suggested they travel somewhere every summer, potentially for the rest of their lives, did something to her insides. Melted her to goo in the best possible way.

She couldn’t get that smile of his out of her head, the way he’d looked so adoringly.

And she couldn’t forget the spark she’d felt when he’d kissed her before they had sex so she was more aroused and it could be enjoyable for her too.

Kissing Alex Nilsen just did something to her, made her fold completely.

The sex had been good for sure, even if she’d been instructing him for the most part and trying not to make it weird, since they were friends, but kissing him?

God, she could kiss him forever, and it would never be long enough.

She shook the thought from her head though, telling herself she needed to keep such thoughts to when they were strictly practical, like when it was necessary to kiss him when she needed to get a little wetter down below in order to make the transition to fucking more enjoyable.

She couldn’t let the thought come before or after for that matter. And this would be the last time. It had to be, even as her heart sank at the thought.

They could not become a friends-with-benefits situation, because those never ended well. And she worried doing that would definitely involve her developing feelings Alex would never return, leaving her crushed and heartbroken when Sarah inevitably realized she’d made the mistake of her life letting him go and wanted to be with him again.

Of course, Alex would jump at the opportunity. Why wouldn’t he? He loved her and missed her, and they had a lot of history together.

Damn.

She was already getting annoyed just at the prospect.

Poppy took longer steps, guesstimating that they were roughly halfway back to their campsite, given how long they’d been walking.

Alex, with his longer legs though, had no trouble matching her pace, and caught up to her almost immediately, which annoyed her to no end. Because, all feelings aside, the sexual tension between them was thick, thicker still the closer they were together.

All of it was making Poppy question everything, and she forced herself – forced herself – to see this only as an instructional experience for Alex. It couldn’t be more than that. It couldn’t.

“Thinking about it?” Alex asked gleefully, breaking the silence between them.

“Huh?” Poppy frowned, being forced out of her own thoughts and trying to register what he was referring to. “Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Yes.”

“Me too,” Alex said, grinning from ear-to-ear when she turned to look at him, blissfully unaware of the turmoil going on inside her head and heart.

Poppy’s frown deepened as she began to wonder if he only wanted to have sex with her because she was the only person in his vicinity. After all, he’d kissed Daisy the night before when he went skinny-dipping. If she was here – or even more so, if Sarah was here and open to it, would he rather kiss one of them instead?

Something painful twisted inside her, and she couldn’t shut it off.

Which was ridiculous!

They were just friends.

“Here, c’mere.”

And he broke through her thoughts again when he wrapped his hand around her forearm and pulled her to the side, making her yelp.

“Alex!”

Before she knew it, her back was up against a tree, Alex’s hands were on her waist, and he was crowding close, his nose brushing against hers, her heart hammering so loud in her ears, beating out of her chest like it would melt against his if he pressed himself any closer.

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “No one’s around.”

Poppy wanted to look around just to make sure, given how they’d been caught before under the waterfall, but she couldn’t. Not with him so close, preventing her. Not with his hand sliding up the side of her body and cupping her face, tucking a wild curl behind her ear.

She licked her lips, feeling as it brushed against his bottom lip – that’s how close they were – and he started to smile.

“I knew I wasn’t imagining it,” he murmured, kissing the corner of her mouth. “You feel it too.”

“Alex,” she tried, but he was persistent, with the thumb on his other hand resting beneath her right breast. “Alex, we still have a ways to go. Just wait till we get to the tent, and then we can, y’know.”

“What if I don’t want to wait?”

And he kissed the crook of her neck, making her eyes roll back and her fingers clench on his shoulders.

Damn. He was certainly good at seducing for a newly non-virgin.

She tilted her head away from his, and by some miracle slipped away from under him.

The space helped, and she brushed herself off before looking back at him.

“I’ve never done it standing up before, Alex,” she said, kind of hating how cold she sounded, but she couldn’t undo the tone after it slipped past her lips. “I wouldn’t be able to…guide you.”

Alex just stood there, staring at her for a while. She couldn’t read what he was thinking, and she hated that.

“C’mon,” she said, gesturing in the direction they’d been going. “We’ll be there soon enough, and then all your raging hormones will be put to rest.”

She charged on ahead, not waiting for the sound of his feet on the dirt ground before continuing to walk on the path they’d set. A few moments later though she did hear them, and she gave a silent sigh of relief.

She could keep this strictly platonic if she just tried hard enough.

She had to.

…

Alex couldn’t help it. He was grumpy for a good 10 minutes after Poppy pushed him aside.

He really thought, after the waterfall, after the talk about fucking again, that his best friend would be game for at least making out against a tree like he’d been fantasizing about earlier. Maybe even more than that.

She’d seemed to give in at first, but then something snapped inside her and she went cold, which was so unlike her.

He wanted to talk it out, see where her head was at, but she hadn’t shut down having sex again, and he was worried Poppy’s drama-filled persona would take away the possibility if he pressed, so he kept mum and walked just a little bit behind her the rest of the way back to the campsite, silent as a mouse.

When they arrived, he didn’t know why, but he’d expected it to be a little calmer between the two of them. Instead, he felt a tension that had nothing to do with sex and worried he’d gone too far by pressing her when she wasn’t in control of the situation, just like in the pool when he’d pressed her about how she’d wanted to lose her virginity.

“Okay, well, we’re here,” Poppy announced, as if it wasn’t obvious.

He heard the tightness in her voice though. Like she didn’t want what they’d both agreed to anymore.

“Just, uh, let me go inside first and tidy things up, yeah? I’m sure it’s a mess, and we want it to be nice and clean and comfortable. Or as much as it can be. So, I’ll let you know when it’s ready. Okay?”

He tried to force a smile at first, but at the last minute he reached for her again. Not the way he’d done in the woods, with lust behind every touch, but with their friendship humming between them. He wanted to make sure she was alright.

“Hey, wait,” he said gently, trying to make it clear that he was stopping her as a friend, not a horny sex partner.

She looked at him expectantly.

“Are you okay, Poppy?”

“What – of course I’m okay,” she said, laughing in a way that sounded unnatural. “Now, just wait a minute, okay?”

He nodded reluctantly and released her.

If she wanted to pretend nothing was wrong, then he would let her until she was ready to talk.

And hell, maybe he was imagining things and everything was fine. Maybe he should start believing that until he was given more blatant proof to the contrary.

He slipped his hands in his pockets and kicked some sticks around on the ground, waiting for Poppy to give him the okay to come in the tent.

He could hear her moving some things around and unzipping what was probably her sleeping bag to spread it out and give them more room. Then, he heard what could possibly be the sound of her clothes and shoes coming off and wished he was in there to see her undress.

The arousal crept up on him without warning as he recalled earlier that day when they’d gone at it the first time, how he’d felt seeing her in such an intimate way, and then how she’d touched him.

He wanted to touch her like that, make her feel pleasure the way she’d done to him. In fact, the need was clawing at him. He wanted it more than he needed to be inside her. He wanted to worship her with kisses until she was aching for his touch and demanding he fuck her the way he’d wanted to from the beginning.

“Okay, Alex,” she said, her voice slightly monotone.

He’d put a stop to that. Soon she’d be crying out his name and forgetting about whatever unpleasant tension that had developed on the way back.

He licked his lips, bent down, and unzipped the tent. Pulling back the flap, he looked inside, and what he saw nearly stole his breath.

Poppy was naked, but she wasn’t leaning back, legs parted in a seductive ‘come hither’ stance.

Her knees were bent, and her arms wrapped around them, her chin hovering over her embrace of herself, as she wiggled her toes a little and waited for him to come inside.

Her hair was down now and some of it was in her face, but she didn’t seem to notice or care.

She was just unapologetically Poppy, and she looked so vulnerable he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her all over until he could feel a smile tugging on her lips.

“You coming in, or…?” she trailed off. “There are still bugs out, even during the day.”

“Right.”

He cleared his throat and stepped inside before zipping the tent back up and coming to sit beside her.

“Maybe you want to undress?” she suggested, and he chuckled a bit at the awkwardness of it.

It shouldn’t be awkward. They’d done this once before.

But he realized it wasn’t the inevitable sex that was making it awkward but the wall Poppy had put up between them. He wasn’t used to that. She was usually so carefree and happy, and he wanted to know if the whole tree thing had really turned her off so horribly that she was regretting this whole arrangement entirely.

If she was, no matter how badly he wanted her, he knew he could suck it up and not do it. He also knew though that she’d probably fight him on the matter if he voiced how he could tell something was up. They’d never really fought before, but there was a first time for everything, and he could tell something was bothering her.

Still, he nodded, said okay, and undressed, piling his clothes and shoes in the opposite corner as hers. Then, he scooted back beside her.

“Alright,” he said. “I’m ready.”

Poppy looked over, saw his limp cock between his legs, and he saw as she deflated.

His insides were screaming. He wished she would say something.

“You’re not turned on,” she said sadly. “Not like you were before.”

He swallowed.

“You wish I was someone else.” She paused as his eyes widened, his heart racing in his chest. “Sarah maybe? Or Daisy?”

Fuck. Is that what she’d been thinking? All he could think about was her.

“Nevermind. Don’t answer that,” she said quickly. “I don’t think I want to know the answer.”

“Poppy –” he tried, but she cut him off.

“Alex, just—”

“The only one I’m thinking about is you,” he told her before she could get another word in.

Her jaw clenched, and she looked away, like she didn’t really believe him.

His heart was pounding inside his chest. Suddenly everything felt like it was up in the air. The sex, their friendship – and the latter he really didn’t want to lose. He could handle only knowing one sex position if it meant their friendship wasn’t hanging in the balance.

Somewhere along the line, Poppy had become the vulnerable one in this situation, and he was eager to restore her confidence and happiness. Suddenly everything in the world depended on it.

“Poppy,” he tried again, this time determined to get her to see reason.

He gripped her chin and turned her face towards him. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them and eventually looked him in the eye.

“I’m not thinking about anyone else. I’m not turned on by anyone else. I’ve been fantasizing all day about you. Even before we had sex earlier.” He tucked a curl behind her ear again and sifted his fingers through her curls.

She was silent for a while, then – “Really?”

He nodded.

“But if you don’t want to do this, I will make every girl ride me whenever we have sex.”

Poppy laughed and shook her head, swiping away a tear that had welled up in the corner of her eye.

“I don’t think your future partners would like that too much.”

“No?” He frowned. “You didn’t? I mean, before?”

She shrugged.

“It’s not the most comfortable position for the girl,” she confided.

“And that includes you?”

She rolled her eyes.

“I’m a girl, aren’t I?”

He immediately felt guilty.

“Yes.”

“Don’t feel bad, Alex. It was the best way to teach you where things go. But this time things will be a little more tricky for you, and a little more comfortable for me. Think you can handle that?” She raised an eyebrow.

He grinned, feeling at last that things were okay again.

“If you can, I can,” he said, and she giggled.

“Kiss me?” she requested, closing her eyes and waiting.

He slipped his hand along the column of her neck and whispered into her ear.