"masama ba loob mo sakin?" "hhmmm, pag-iisipan ko" "yayakapin pa rin kita, jen"
and then, before I knew it, there were tears. not from me. but from this person who initiated the hug I was hoping to not get from that day at all. "you can do it" / "you don't need to say hi to people" / "bitch trust yourself" / "you're there for the couple, nothing else" / "no crying" i had a whole ass pep talk with myself hours before the wedding. i love the couple. i am excited for their marriage. i am happy to help on their wedding day. i was determined to set aside my fears because i wanted to witness their very special day. i knew there would be familiar faces to see, faces I was hoping to never encounter again in this lifetime. but I guess the Lord had other plans.
i was the zoom coordinator so there was no need for me to interact with the guests during the event. but before I knew it, someone was tapping my back, asking me "masama ba loob mo sakin?". about 2-4 years ago, I was always excited to see them and their kids. I always brought little treats whenever I had the chance to see them in the city. but on that day, everything was different. even my smile. it was barely showing.
"hhmmm, pag-iisipan ko" i answered. with all honesty. and with a straight face. i was not planning on talking to them at all. so i felt no need to be friendly.
"yayakapin pa rin kita, jen" and then before I knew it, there were tears. i did not know what to feel. or how to react. i did not prepare for this scenario in my head.
"sorry, jen. sorry." and then, more tears. there were 3 people around us who were my friends. they knew the reason for those tears. even without saying anything, they knew these tears were hidden for 2 years in silence.
"namiss ka lang talaga namin" and then, more tears. but this time, it was from me. i was holding back my emotions, my tears. i didn't want to acknowledge the words i've just heard. but these were some of the words i've been wanting to hear for the past 2 years. I guess, i was not prepared to hear it, and I did not know if I was still hoping to hear them in this lifetime.
*another hug* "sorry, jen"
"we're resuming our pictorial!!!" said the host. thanks to the host, i was able to go back to my task, and was able to cut back my tears. i felt it was inappropriate to cry during the event. i wasn't the right place to say whatever he needed to say.
i knew it was genuine. hindi pa naman ako bato. hindi ko na lang alam paano iproseso.
pero siguro, salamat pa rin, sa yakap at luha. naibsan kahit paano ang galit na meron ako ng dalawang taon.
pero alam natin hindi sa luha natatapos ang lahat. ang luha, kahit gaano man karami, ay hindi magiging sapat.
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