that white girl

I know girls who spill I’m sorry’s from their mouths like they pump blood to their veins. Sometimes, I am one. I know girls who apologize for asking to go to the bathroom in class, who apologize for everything because they feel like they are taking up more than their fair share of space on this planet. Everything starts with an I’m sorry and ends with one too, constant bookends that we don’t even notice anymore. We delete her apology the way we delete likes and ums from speech. I know girls with ten times more apologies than misdemeanors and I wonder how often they hear It’s okay. You’re more than okay.

Ever notice...

He says ‘I don’t get it, why are you still a virgin at 24?’ He says ‘I don’t believe you, I’ve seen you walk, virgins don’t walk like that’ He says, ‘That ain’t natural, people are supposed to fuck.’ He asks ‘Why though? No offence though.’ I ask ‘When was your first time?’ He says ‘I was 12’ He says ‘I know what you’re thinking, that’s too young.’ I look at his knuckles, he has two good hands. He says ‘She was older than me.’ I ask ‘How old?’ And he says ‘It’s better that the girl is older, that’s how I learnt all things I know’ He licks his lips. I ask again ‘How old?’ He says ‘I could use one finger to make you sob’ I think of my brother in prison and I can’t remember his face. I ask again ‘How old?’ He says ‘Boys become men in the laps of women, you know?’ I think of my mothers faced lined with her bad choices in men. He says ‘If you were mine you wouldn’t get away with this shit, I’d eat you for hours, I’d gut you like fruit.’ I think of my cousins circumcision, how she feels like a mermaid, not human from the waist down. He says ‘I’d look after you, you know?’ I laugh, I ask for the last time ‘How old?’ He says ‘34.’ He says ‘She was beautiful though and I know what you’re thinking but it’s not like that, I’m a man, I’m a man, I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me’.