Dreamer

Practicing to make mistakes without feeling guilty about it, as long as you give your best. It is okay to make mistakes as many times as you want, and it is okay. Don't be afraid to make mistakes because you are afraid of them. Because even if you don't want to make one, you will always make one without knowing it. So do it, and make as many mistakes as you want, and don't ever forget to learn from them. Be stupid and learn. Be slow but have that knowledge. Be tired and realize you can do it. There is nothing in this world that you can't do as long as you are willing to make mistakes, because by doing so, you will learn and know yourself more.

You are in your 30s now, so go out there and make mistakes and be happy about it. Don't listen to them; they are the noise that doesn't know how you bottle your demons every night. Listen to yourself, and most importantly, listen to Him. Sukuan ka man nila, sukuan mo man ang iyong sarili, pero Siya, hindi hinding-hindi.

I feel like I need to cry, but I can't, so I will just say it here. For days, months, or a year, I felt that I had failed terribly in life. I don't know what I wanted to do; I just wanted to run and go elsewhere. I thought leaving my old job would give me the freedom to do what I want in life. At first, it was good, but after a year. I felt stuck, and I don't know what to do anymore. The spark that I have before leaving my old job was gone. The plans I had planned were hard to execute anymore. And I don't think I am capable of doing anything anymore.

I just want to be happy, and it was so hard to do. I just want to live and feel the life that I wanted. I don't know if I can recover from this. It was so dark that my faith in Him is the only thing that I am holding on to. That anytime soon I will snap, and I don't think I can control or stop it anymore. But I really want to fight and live this life. I want to see the end of it. I really want to be happy. I want to try baking a sourdough. I want to plant vegetables and fruits that I like to eat, and to keep chickens and dogs. Cook the foods that I wanted, even if I was not good at it. I want to make a mistake without being afraid.

I am lucky to have my parents and sister who try to love me even if I am hard to understand. I know that I am the problem, and I am trying to work on it. I am very sorry because they have to deal with me. I pray that in time. I can change and be a better person for them. I want to love them in different ways that they deserve.

A few more weeks from now, I'll be in my 30's. Still single, living with my parents, and unemployed. But I am hoping that in my 30's I will conquer those problems. That while I am navigating my 30's, I am also resolving those problems and rediscovering myself.

This new era in my life will bring more growth, bravery, and happiness. I know it will happen because I will leave a life that He is center of it.

When you find yourself in a situation that is not in your favor, we often say, "Maybe in another lifetime," or "In another universe or parallel universe." I've read this quote saying, 'What if there is no other lifetime or parallel universe, that you only have this lifetime to do the things you love to do, or this is the only lifetime you have to love that person. What will you do?'

Sometimes we let go of the dreams that we want in ourselves because we hope that maybe in another lifetime or in our parallel universe, we will have them. But what if this is the only life that we will leave? What will you do to achieve those dreams of yours? Will you be afraid to do it, or will you take a chance even though there is a possibility that you will make a mistake and get hurt?

Life is full of chances and mistakes that we have to live with, and it is in our hands whether the courses we take make the most of it. And always choose to be happy, even in small things. Always be grateful for the life that He gave.

It was hard to choose what you really want, more so, it was harder to start again when you are in your late 20s. There will be times you'll overthink things or wonder if you made the right decision. But just like what they said, do it, just do it, even if it is hard and you are scared to fail. You will never know what will happen; either you will win, or you will learn. Just fight for the things that you want and will make you happy. If you fail, learn from it and try again until you achieve your goal. Because, along the way, you will discover many things about yourself and the things that will make you happy.

But for now, feel the emotions that you are feeling. Leave slowly and be happy for the small things that are happening to you. Big or small, always celebrate it. And if you fail, cry and learn from it because that is how life is.

And always be kind to yourself, because if you're kinder to yourself, it will show to other people. And don't forget to thank Him.

How can you say that the one who takes their life doesn't believe in God, or that they have weak faith? Didn't you think about how many times they pray just to be okay? Or, how many times do they cry out loud just so the pain will go away? You don't, we don't.

They say when you take your own life, you will not go to heaven. And I hope that is not true. Just because they choose to do that, that doesn't mean they don't want to leave their life. I know at some point, they have a tiny hope in their heart that they wish to live and be happy. It's just that they reach a point where they can't control what they are thinking, and even that tiny hope can't do anything anymore.

I hope and pray that God will embrace them, because that is what they need.

It felt so easy and at peace that even if it was hard to face, you still dared to move forward. You don't have to take a big step to reach your dream; sometimes, small steps are enough to take you to what you want to be. Just always show up, even if you are not at one hundred percent ready. Even your ten percent is enough for you to show up because the remaining ninety percent is your faith in Him.

As they said, if it's meant for you, it will find you.