you'd be paranoid too

i'm so scared. for you. for what this means for you. where do we go from here? how can i help you? i know you need me just like i need you

all i want is for you to hold me but i can't get your words out of my head

hearing those words had me spinning back to being in my early twenties again. i felt the blood drain from my body in horror. grief. disgust. i never thought i would feel that small again, but especially not from you.

lollapalooza was everything i'd ever dreamed of. not a single person in my sight that hadn't heard of waterparks before... damn. this weekend is exactly what i needed. i'm feeling like me again.

back where it all started. ✨first ever show and last show at warehouse live. 2012-2023. crazy how time flies.

coming back to myself is exhausting. i spend around an hour in some dissociative, hazy state of mind. nothing quite feels real. i feel bad for jawn when it lasts for more than a day, too. i know he enjoys it, but i know it's such a huge responsibility for him, both looking after me and himself. I don't want to be the reason he falls back down the hill. i want him to be okay, and if that means not regressing for while, so be it.

right now, all i can focus on is the fact that something more is going on than you're sharing with me, because you won't even tell me that you love me. goodnight, i guess.

the worst of it all, is i don't even know what happened. one minute we were picturing our wedding together, the next you were a wall made of ice, threatening to poke me with an icicle if i dared to look at you.

we should not be doing this right now. this is so unhealthy. i told myself i'd never let sex be a distraction for problems again but that's exactly what i need it to be right now otherwise i'll just cry.

what do you mean by slow down? i was already hesitant to initiate in case you didn't really want it after that last situation, and now i'm even more so :(