Sorry In Advance

What have I done

Do you need a break from me? Some space? A little time to step back and maybe realize you miss me. I do a lot for you and it never seems like enough. I just hope one day you realize how much I do and how much different your life would be without me. I don't want it to be too late.

I don't believe you when you say you don't share my feelings. I don't believe that you don't love me. When you say you want me to be happy I am calling bullshit because I've told you a hundred times that it's you. You make me happy. And I won't take your cop out. You leaving me isn't for me. It's for you. It's selfish and it's for you.

Reading through what we were in the beginning is killing me. I still love you with every ounce of my being. And I know you don't feel the same anymore. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what made you change your mind. I'm so sorry that I'm not enough anymore. But you'll always be it for me. I do not say that lightly. You are the only one I've ever felt this for. And you'll always be the only one.

Why am I constantly losing it over you? This needs to stop. I'm overwhelmed right now. I can't sleep. I just need you. I need you to say a few nice words. I need a promise. a commitment. I need to not be so afraid that you're going to leave me at any moment. I'm driving you away with my own paranoia.

Winter is good because I get to wear sweaters. And sweaters mean my arms are covered. Winter means that no one is going to question my sleeves and inadvertently call me out. Winter means I can hide my marks.

I just need to give you a little time and a little space. You'll come around. You told me you would. You can't lie to me. I can't lose you.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I keep staying up all night. My mind is racing. I haven't done this in a few months. I mean here and there, yeah. But this has been consecutively for a week or two. I'm afraid I'm about to fall back into a low.

I feel like everyone hates me because I want to spend time with my boyfriend when I finally get my house. We are all paying the same amount. I should be allowed to have him over as much as I want. I'm sorry if you guys don't understand how hard this is for me to not see him. I'm not compromising my happiness so you guys can feel better. I shouldn't feel bad about this.

My love for you is endless.

I have to be honest. I have to breathe and be okay with the fact that I said that. Honesty is important. I don't want to come across as a crazy girlfriend or lose you but it wouldn't be right if I wasn't honest about this. I have to remember that I matter too. My feelings are absolutely valid and if I lose you over something so ridiculous it wasn't meant to be.

I have been on the verge of tears all day. I don't want to take it out on you. I love you so much but something is terribly wrong with me. I don't want to go to sleep upset, but I don't want to stay up and risk saying something I'll regret.

A part of me will always be sad about you. I've been thinking about you a lot tonight and I don't like it. I don't want you back. I don't want that lifestyle of yours. I was scared for you most of the time. And I was scared for me. That's no way to live. Wherever you are tonight I hope that you are happy and I hope you are fulfilled. I hope your scars are healing and I hope you've found a new way to silence your demons. A part of me will always love a part of you. And I will always wonder about you. I will hope that you are okay and that you've found some kind of peace. You deserve to be content.