Oh jeez this is a thing now

i think it could be worth spending more analytical energy on fundamental differences between 'digital' and 'in person' socialization. Or, in particular, recently I've been thinking a lot about "communication and who reaches out first."

Irl relationships are frequently sustained by random encounters. You run into each other at work. You see each other at the store. You pass each other outside. You live in the same house. This is the 'normal' mode of socialization that basically all guides and analysis I encounter are interested in.

A fundamental difference with digital relationships is that they are primarily sustained by intentional encounters.

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an aside: existing attempted solutions

Of course, there are modes of digital relationships that attempt to not be this. Tumblr for one thing, but most social media attempts this. We build systems for random encounters. But, I think that these platforms are increasingly hostile to 'leaving the platform'. These random social encounters irl are founded on being able to continue a conversation. To see each other then just start talking. Social media is not very good for that.

Discord servers and such spaces then also attempt to fill in the gap. You run into each other in a channel and start to talk. But discord servers have to be run by someone and that creates yet another set of problems. As a friend loves to put it, discord servers are ruled by the law of "have friends and be funny". that shit sucks.

)

So instead we have to maintain our relationships by intentional encounters. I think of you so I dm you or you think of me so you dm me. We text and chat. And eventually the encounter ends.

This is the base unit, or perhaps the only unit, of digital social life.

Well.

I'm uninterested in critiquing this 'reality'.

I've seen people express all kinds of moral judgements of it. They talk about the problems with this and they say "get less online" or "make irl friends" or all kinds of things that are, in my opinion, simply a refusal to actually engage with the problem.

At the same time, I think any true solutions I have to give here are fundamentally 'individual solutions', thus, what I more precisely want to do here is just to talk about three ways I've observed people navigate this reality.

i.

First, of course, is enmeshing yourself in someone else's web.

I think people tend to be embarrassed about this one. They view themselves as hangers-on. As other-friends. They (perhaps correctly) identify that they are one broken relationship from isolation and are unsure what to do about it.

In truth, I think this solution is highly effective. Perhaps you shouldn't get caught up in it and convince yourself it's forever, but meeting people and using them to meet their friends, then locating yourself within whatever their friend group space is and becoming a part of it works great. Existing spaces exist and can be joined. Many such spaces are around and many would appreciate having new people.

Then, you can collect encounters by being a face in the group. Find a space that exists where people talk and become an entity within it. Join video games and ttrpgs and after some amount of people will dm you to talk more to continue conversations or share more. And so you'll exist socially and get to talk to people.

ii.

Second, what I tend to see most on tumblr, is cultivating a public facing personality.

What's the best way to get dmed? Be thought about more. What's the best way to be thought about more? Cultivate an image that's associated with things. Become the eye girl, become the dress girl, become the moth girl, become the vampire girl. Then when people see those things, they'll think of you. They'll think about talking to you. They'll be more likely to randomly dm you.

To further enable this, one tends to cultivate an aura of "I like being dmed about these things". In public, talk about people sending you art you like. Reward people for doing so with easy conversations. Become someone people think about by burrowing into their ideas of things.

I think the problem with this one is that it's perhaps the most work. It's branding yourself and entering a market. It requires cutting away details of yourself to become a thing. Fetishization. Objectification. It works well, but I think a lot of people can really struggle with it. It's hard to reduce yourself to just one thing, even if it works.

iii.

Third, and finally, is ritualizing it.

There's a lot of different versions of this. I think the most popular is building a morality of it. It's correct for us to both reach out to each other a similar amount, isn't it? I reached out to you, therefore you should reach out to me next. It's expected.

This, in its strictly moral sense, is, to me, the worst method. Morality isn't real and functions poorly. It tries to generate obligation. Imply punishment for failure. Reinforces itself through fear and shame. And in yourself it will always be biased towards the correct actions of others. Systems of punishment always punch downward.

No, I think the best form of this is to do it explicitly.

Turn your dms into letters and make a pen pal. Create a continued requirement for the next person to message back according to an existing structure. Build a performance that you're both a part of that weighs on both of you. Schedule calls or talks. Get cute with it.

This one requires tending. Both of you have to do work to maintain the performance. Communicate outside of it sometimes to confirm it works and compromise when it breaks. But, ultimately, you can build something together.

conlusion.

I could talk more about "converting a series of encounters into a behavior of interaction", but I think that's its own topic and quickly enters into philosophy and a more active subject of study. Here I just wanted to observe and comment on a few patterns I've seen.

Of course, I think other patterns and methods exist. I just think these three are the ones I've seen the most. I've seen people within each group who don't know about or understand the other two. And others who wish they were in the other groups or look down upon them as worse or less for various incomprehensible reasons.

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