This is Me

Hardy was the best behaved cat I knew; He barely ever caused any mischief and was always happy to receive pets.

He was an old Man when I met him, apparently at that point he was 14 or 15 years old, which is a long time for a cat.

He would meow if my boyfriend picked him up, having the old bones he did.

He would push on the cabinet a few times in a row to make noise when he wanted attention (from my boyfriends brother who Hardy was definitely closest to) when the bedroom door was closed.

He had a spot under the TV, where he would lay and snuggle with Buddy, the orange, 3 legged, tabby cat, or in the widow with Honey, the other Tuxedo cat, who loved to rest in her bed next to him.

And like clock work, whenever I went to check on him, on the multiple times I went over to to take care of him and his Niece (Honey) and Nephew (Buddy), he would be waiting at the door, ready to escort anyone who was there to wherever they needed to be. Most would say that a cat would never meet their owner at the door but that’s exactly what Hardy did.

He didn’t deserve to go. He didn’t deserve for his thyroid to be overactive or to pass with his organs failing him and causing him to have seizures. He was the best boy.

Perhaps that’s why it was so hard to watch him suffer.

Heck, I barely knew him, but I could tell he was the best boy and was well loved.

My heart breaks for my boyfriends family. I hope and wish that they all have an easy time coping with their loss.

The good boy in question.

Honey (Far left Tuxedo) Buddy (Orange Tabby in the middle) and Hardy (Far Right Tuxedo)

I pulled a rotten fruit off the tree, I thought it didn’t hold any weight, after all how hard could it be to remove a rotten fruit? And it was ruining the look of the very beautiful tree. I picked it, and I guess I yanked too hard and I pulled a little branch and some leaves off with it, effectively ending that small branch’s ability to produce. Effectively losing a few buds that might have otherwise started to produce as well if it wasn’t for me.

It’s an important tree, planted by a good man who isn’t with us any longer. I knew that. I wanted to demonstrate that I did care, as part of tree maintenance is removing what can’t be used so that there’s ample opportunity for growth. I know this. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I wasn’t careful enough though, and now I damaged the tree, I hurt the person who cares about it the most, and I don’t even want to go near it anymore.

It got the sweetest pears you can imagine. They’re delicious and when they’re perfectly ripe, it explodes with flavor in your mouth.

How dare I hurt the tree the way I did. How dare I enjoy the fruits of its labor.

I’m sorry I hurt the tree. I won’t go near it again. I won’t eat the fruit again. I won’t touch it, and if you want, I won’t even look at it.

I knew you cared about it. I knew. I wanted to show you I knew, and that I cared. I’m so sorry that I hurt your tree. I promise I didn’t mean to. I promise. I would never intentionally break off a branch of something that important to you knowing everything I know about it. And I’m sure deep down you know that too.

In fact when I first was looking at it I asked you if it was okay to remove the rotten fruit. You said yeah. I showed it to you before I yanked it, just to make sure. You saw how I handled it. I didn’t mean to pull it like that. I genuinely meant no harm.

That’s why when you got so upset, I was taken aback. That’s why when you rushed inside I followed after. That’s why when you were yelling at me, I still tried to make sure you were okay. That’s why I insisted on explaining that I swear I never meant to hurt your tree. It was an accident. I just wanted to help. I just wanted to show you that I cared to. And instead all you have is a dead fruit, attached to some dead leaves on a dead branch. I didn’t help at all.

I was hoping you’d understand that it wasn’t on purpose. I was hoping you wouldn’t think it was a big deal. I was hoping that when you saw the look on my face, the absolute horror and shock of having destroyed something I knew you cared about, you would know that I had no intention of hurting it. And that I’m so incredibly sorry. I was hoping you would say; “It’s okay, Bug. I know you didn’t mean to do it. Just try to be a little more careful. Yeah that hurts my feelings but now you know to be more gentle and you can help me better next time. Thank you for removing the rotten pear.”

Instead I just feel like an idiot. I feel like the Dumbass you called me. I feel as stupid as you said you think I am. I feel like I don’t know anything, as you said I don’t. I feel like such a failure. I know I’m clumsy, but I didn’t realize I was that clumsy.

I understand I damaged your tree.

Please understand I just genuinely wanted to help, and that I never want to hurt your tree again.

So many relationships end over things like trauma or other crazy things. You really think I want mine ended over pear tree that I went out of my way to try to take care of?

I like that tree too. I didn’t watch it grow like you did, but I do enjoy the fruit it gives. And I respect it’s place in the garden. And I’ve never ever talked bad on your tree, or intentionally hurt your tree before. What makes you think I suddenly don’t care about it now?

I made a mistake. Lots of people do. Every day people learn by making mistakes.

That doesn’t mean I don’t care about it. That doesn’t mean I purposely tried to hurt you, and the tree, and everything else that relies and enjoys the presence of the tree. My intentions were good.

Regardless, I will not got anywhere near the tree ever again. The seeds we have from the fruit I ate, I won’t be touching those either. If the tree is safer without me around it, then I understand. It’s a beautiful tree. It deserves to live untouched by my hands ever again.

Maybe it will produce better if I don’t mess with it.

So I guess I leave it to you then.

Again. I’m so incredibly sorry I hurt your tree. You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t expect you to. Just know… it’s a wonderful tree. You did a fantastic job raising it and caring for it. I’m sorry I put that in jeopardy.

Please enjoy the fruit it’s so humbly and graciously given. It deserves to have people enjoy its fruit. It’s actually my favorite pear tree. I wish more people had the opportunity to try it. You can really tell the man who planted it put extra TLC into helping it grow. And you can tell that the man who put it in the ground and watched it grow and produce, really loves the tree, and wants to see it thrive.

I want that tree to thrive to, so if that means taking a step back, and admiring it through you, that’s fine.

On an unrelated note:

My boyfriend was writing something down and he got hung up for a second. He looked to me and with all the seriousness in the world asked me “What does a Capitol “q” look like?

I looked back at him shocked and said, with the same seriousness (just to see if it would go somewhere) “An O with a line through it.” And then he proceeded to do it and nod and say “I haven’t used a capitol q since middle school” and went back to writing.

It finally hit me what he asked and I looked to him with laughter and he held up his pointer finger and said “You know what. I’m out here asking the real questions.”

Me: *Watching Good Omens*

Aziraphale: Occult forces?

Crowley: You and Me

Aziraphale: I’m not an Occult. Angels aren’t Occult. We’re Ethereal.

Me: *Pauses the Show* “In the name of all things Fanfiction, Thank You Neil and Terry for handing that one to me, and making it so I don’t have to look it up, when I go to write...”

Me: *Forgets and needs it for a particular part*

Also me: *Proceeds to buy two copies of the Good Omens paperback Novel, the digital copy on my kindle, because I was impatient, and the Script Book*

Me: “I forgot what they said and can’t remember which episode it was in and at what time stamp it was at, and also I don’t have access to internet right now so.... BOOKS.”

Me 4.5 hours into the Script book and the Novel, doing my best to cross reference, even though I had internet access because I returned home: “IT WAS IN THE BOOK EPISODE IM SO STUPID.”

Some will say I’ve made an irresponsible choice. I say I’ve made an investment in my own happiness.

Me to my professor: “this was what I did while I was sick.”

Professor: “you had an extension???”

Me: “I Was dYiNg!!”

My Boyfriend: “not right now. No.”

Me: “Yeah I know but like, can we?”

My Boyfriend: “Maybe if you ever get a job.”

Me: “So you’re saying there’s a chance.”

My Boyfriend: “like 1%”

Me: *relizes I can’t even manage taking care of myself very well*

Me: *Has no real motivation to do much with my life*

Me: *is just trying my best*

My Boyfriend:

Me:

Me: “I’ll take it!”

Me, an Intelectual: “Yo that’s me!”

Him: *Wheezes*

I’m pretty sure I’m the subject of a still life that I didn’t ask to be a part of. This dude thought he was being sly, but I noticed because I’m an artist too! 😂 he was being quite observant and I was very uncomfortable and... um... help???

In a brilliant moment of creativity I Said “The one with John Mulaney.” The class laughed and the professor continued with “Well who would you cast as you?” And I said “John Mulaney.” And the class laughed again. And I turned to my friend who sits behind me and said “He’s funny enough that if I casted him as me, my life being a joke would be a joke in itself and I think people would be baffled if I pulled inception through humor with one of the funniest men on the planet.”

Then 3 minutes later our professor ask what we’d draw ourselves as if we were feelings and me and a guy across the from me said without missing a beat “Depression” at the same time, and then pointed to each other and laughed.

How the FRICK do you land a role for 15 years and stay with it until the very end???

I’m struggling as a college student to stay focused in Statistics for 2 hours???

There’s so much patience involved??? Who has that much patience??? Apparently those two wonderful people???

Was it the cast? Was it the characters?? The script? The fans? The adrenaline? The car? The pie? Was it Misha???

Curious minds wish to inquire!

Yes I know I’m short.

Yes climbing on the countertop reach a bowl and stepping on the bottom shelf at the store to reach my favorite cereal is necessary.

What’s not necessary is how many times you’ve held you hand up above my head and said “high five.”

I WILL CLIMB YOU LIKE I CLIMB THE COUNTER AND BRING YOU DOWN TO MY LEVEL YOU MINDLESS GRAFFIE!!