Breathe ∞

I feel like there’s always a lot to update you on - I feel like this is dragging on WAY longer than it’s supposed too. There IS a lot that has happened though the last week or so. 

Sometime during the evening of Jan 25, Em messaged me saying “Hey - I had some more time/space to process our chat from Saturday and had a long convo with my family recently. I am not sure if you already have your own thing planned - wondering if you’re free again end of the week? Either downtown or I could make it there”. I told him that I wouldn’t mind going downtown, since I know how much of a hassle it would be for him to come to my place. Anyways, him giving me the option of coming to my place, I thought that he had a change in heart where he wanted to get back together. This message was also a SHOCK to me because the week before, he said that he didn’t know what he wanted, didn’t know where he was going in life, or anything of that sense. I told him I would give him space to figure it out, and he told me that he would take some time. So, messaging me on TUESDAY after our talk on SATURDAY was hella surprising to me because I honestly thought it would take him longer to figure out. But, whatever. I thought, hey, maybe he really wanted to get back together and couldn’t wait to give me an answer.

So, around the same time as the week before around 11:30am, I went to see Em to see what insight he had on everything. I was going to grab some bubble tea, but I opted out because the weekend before we talked so much and we didn’t end up drinking it together. Anyways, I went to talk to Em. He told me why he was so depressed while living with me, a mixture of feeling unhappy because he felt trapped, but also felt like he was feeling complacent. He felt like he wasn’t able to do his own thing, and that he “couldn’t see himself” living the lifestyle he did with me. He contributed a lot of his depression to the incident in Toronto that happened years before. He told me how every that incident, he always had a bad vibes from Toronto. Since that incident, he also pushed a lot of his friends away and his family as well. He told me that he was always afraid of Toronto inherently and always felt like there were other options available to him. I guess he was able to talk to his mother about a lot of this, and he explained to me that he doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. He told me that he wants to go “all in” Toronto, and wants to build a relationship, and now has a definitive goal he is working towards. He says that he wants to go back into real estate and hopefully meet his goal that he set for himself within the next 2 years. He had asked me what my goals were, and asked me if I saw his goal a common goal between us - I told him it was. We discussed a bit about how I was too needy, and how he felt like he couldn’t leave me alone, or else I would “fall asleep” or “wilt”. He felt like he needed to entertain me, which also meant that he wasn’t able to do the activities or things he truly enjoyed. He felt like I was a puppy, and that he would always need to keep me entertained. 

We were able to talk about our differences, but then also our commonalities as well. We talked about how things would look moving forward, and what would change. He told me that he was able to talk to his mom about me, and while he did not tell her EVERYTHING about me, it was a start in terms of building rapport with his parents. I think that he was asking me a lot of questions, especially from the week prior when I said that my “outlook on life has changed”. A lot of questions were surrounding that comment I made, and what I would do in the future/ moving forward, and what things would look like. We talked about getting back together, and how I had a lot to think about because the way he broke our relationship off will always give me trust issues and doubt. He knew that he did not do the right move, but also compared it to a parent hitting a child, how it was just impulsive because he could not stand it anymore. He couldn’t stand the way of living, how he had to compromise so much, how things weren’t streamlined, and how he couldn’t do his own thing. He said that nearing the end of the relationship, he felt like he needed to smoke up because he was that happy - smoking up also flared up his hip which also caused him more pain. I suppose everything in the end was just a negative cycle for him. He was saying how in the end, he was doing things (like playing Switch) when he didn’t even want to because he felt like he “needed to”. I think while living with me, he lost a sense of who he was, because he was adapting so much to me. 

He questioned what things would look like moving forward if we got back together. I asked him why he wanted to be with me, and I suppose he said that he knew I was good to him. I tried to figure out HOW much he liked me, but he said that it was difficult to tell because we were long distance for a while, and then I was studying, and then I was working a lot/ sleeping when I got home, so it was really hard for him to know which “me was the real me” (oh, actually, I think he mentioned this during the phone call on Feb. 3). Anyways, we explored the idea of what he wanted if we got back together again and what that looked like. I asked him if he had ever been in “love” before, and he said no. He’s never been in love with either of his ex’s (which is kinda a red flag for me). Anyways, I ensured that our goals were aligned and that our family goals were aligned (he said he wanted to work on his goals for the next 2 years, and then maybe he would be able to retire and have kids by 36). Anyways, I honestly thought things went well - we ended up talking all day, another 8-9 hours. Overall, I thought it was a good visit. We had lunch together (egg and toast), and we even had dinner together (pasta). I did not shed a single tear that day. I thought that a lot of his answers were able to give me the closure I needed about everything. 

Before I left, he said that he would be willing to try again if I was able to compromise with him in terms of supporting him with his goals, letting him do his thing, and giving him more space. I know that would be a big change for me, and I told him I would, but he honestly wanted me to take it back home to digest everything he said to me, and then give him an answer. He compared it to “even if you finish a test before it ends, just sit and double check everything”. So, that’s how we finished off. He said he would be willing to try again, and the “ball was back in my court”. Before we parted, I asked if I would see him again - he said we would. I said I would message him within the week about my answer.

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February 2, I talked to my parents and friends about it, and I thought it would be worthwhile to try again with Em. I know a lot of things weren’t done right on my part, and while it would be my turn to compromise, and I didn’t have much (except for time to lose), that I would try it with Em again. That evening, I messaged him “Hey Em, I had some time and space to process our chat from Saturday. I still have a couple of questions and comments I wanted to clear up. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up or have a chat about it. Let me know what works for you”. He called me shortly after and we talked for another 2 hours - it was coming up to be 1:30am and we both had to work the next day, so we inevitably had to end the call. During this call, he was saying how he was really not happy living with me and how he lost himself because he was compromising with me so much. He had asked me if I had noticed anything, but I honestly couldn’t tell that he was unhappy. He was saying how he wanted me to do my thing, but I didn’t, and would end up falling asleep. He told me how he felt pressured to hang out with me every time I was over at his place downtown to make the “trip worth it”. He told me that he had a good month for himself where he was able to think and grow and figure his own this out. He might have mentioned that he liked being by myself more than he liked being with me at some point, but also knew he wanted a partner in life. I told him again, that I would compromise with him, but he said that he didn’t trust that I would because that’s what I said before. He listed a bunch of reasons why he was unhappy, or rather “frustrated” with me, and so I told him that with these reasons, would it not be responsible for us to break up. He started to get defensive with me saying that I was the one that had to change and that I was the one that wanted to give up on us. He started complaining how HE felt drained every time he talked to me, and he got frustrated because I was so task oriented, always asking him “what’s next” or “what are we doing”. He felt tired always trying to help me (mentally and financially) because HE also wants some direction in life. He just thinks that the relationship was not fair? maybe?

What a difference a week can make - there’s so much to update you on.

With the help and support from Chevy, I had the courage to message him last Wednesday night. I said that I respected his space, but I wondered if I could meet up with him and return his stuff, but also talk about what happened. He agreed and I went to see him on Saturday.

On Saturday January 22, I went to see Em. I picked up some Chatime bubble tea from College St because I haven’t had it in a while, and I knew Em wasn’t the type of person to get bubble tea by himself (likewise for me). I got both of us some classic bubble tea and went over to his place. We parked, went upstairs, and I guess that’s when I started to tear up. I don’t know why, but perhaps it was just a relief that I was able to see him again. Everything at his place looked the same, except what used to be “my” desk was now set up to be his additional workplace, and that he got a toaster oven like mine. 

We started our conversation pretty casually. Talked about what were were up to the last few weeks, and how the stocks were also not doing too well. We talked about work, and he asked how I was, and how I was managing with everything. We had talked about how he left me and why, and then where we were going forward from here.

1. Why did he leave the way he did? 

His reason for leaving the way he did was because I guess one of his ex did it that way (basically cleaned up the place and left with some money on the table), and he felt like it was the cleanest break that helped him move on the fastest. So, he thought that was the right move to do in this case, but I guess after he talked .to his cousin, he realized it was kinda a shitty way of ending things. But, he did apologize for how he handled things, which I can accept and appreciate.

2. Why did he choose to leave?

He legit could not stand living at my place with me anymore. I think it was a culmination of everything. He was saying something about the 3 things that are important to him in life that he wanted. Like "money", physical health and mental health. And while he had a job that he could work remote, his physical health wasn't the best when living with me because he didn't feel as comfortable walking vs walking downtown, and his mental health wasn't that great nearing the end because he felt like he wasn't happy anymore. So I think in his attempt to escape everything, he just took his shit and left dt. Like when I asked him, he really didn't have a plan what he wanted to do. He honestly just wanted to leave and take his shit because he couldn't deal with it anymore. I mean, he wasn't plan on breaking up, but he knew he didn't and couldn't stay in buttfuck nowhere anymore. Just a rash decision because he had so much pent up negativity from here. Even during our conversation, he always made it clear that it was never about me that he broke up. When we had talked about this before, and when I talked to him again in person, he acknowledges that it was never me, but rather on him. Like, he felt like he was losing himself when he was with me. He likes to be alone and live in his bubble and do his own thing. I think that while he was happy with me, he also realized that he needed to compromise a lot to make the relationship work. So when he came dt for the last few weeks, I think he came to think and question himself and wonder if he really want to compromise or not. Like, he basically told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship, which is what he is trying to figure out now. Like, because he likes being a loner and likes doing this alone, and wants to live in his bubble, and sometimes feels selfish and doesn't want to compromise - I think he is trying to figure out if this is what he wants for the rest of his life.

3. Where do we go from here?

I mean, while he was dt, he is lived his life the way he wants, doing his things his way. He has connected with his parents and is slowly building up that relationship and wants to tell them about me. Whether we are dating or not, but I think he eventually wants to tell them about us (that he datED a Chinese girl, or that he is datING a Chinese girl).

So, during the meetup, we discussed 3 things he needs to do. 1. Figure out IF he even wants to be in a relationship (and what that looks like, where that looks like, etc.). 2. Figure out IF he wants to be in a relationship with ME (he acknowledges and STILL acknowledges that it was never me to begin with. He knows that if he does want a relationship, that he wants to try again with me). 3. Figure out IF he can see things longer term with me (I think that'll take some time to figure out, but I think 1. is the most important thing for him to work on right now). I think 2 weeks was good because he was planning on messaging me back in 4 weeks, but things might have changed. So yes, it was a good time to message him now. He said that we would meet up again sometime in the future, so I suppose I'll give him a few more weeks to think about what he wants and build up what he wants. I know he does care a lot though. I was just sitting there on his lap bawling my eyes out and he's just fucking patting my head and rubbing my back being like "it's okay", "you're okay", and my eyes are just fucking leaking everywhere.

Conclusion

But basically, he needs to figure his shit out. And then, I think he'll message me. I guess my question to him was “why now’, or “have you not had to compromise before in your relationships”, and he said that he wasn’t a “loner” or introvert back then. That is true - he used to be an extrovert and have SO many friends, I’m not sure what happened or what changed, but now he would rather be alone. He was going to message me 1 month after the breakup anyways, but I messaged him in 2 weeks. He just needs some more time. I think he needs to figure out WHAT he really wants. Be "in control" of his life forever and be solo, or actually give up some of that control and compromise in a relationship. He says that being in control of his own life makes him the MOST happy, but he knows that perhaps that's not what he really wants. I asked him if Saturday was the last time I would see him, and he said "No, I don't think this will be the last time we meet up". And he was like "yes, I think I will see you again" - so, I suppose this answer is promising. The reason for meeting up after the initial breakup was to give me the opportunity to able to voice my opinion, regardless of what the opinion was. Like whether that would've been Saturday , or like 4 weeks since we spoke on the phone. Like, if I met up with him and was like "yes, I totally agree with you before, we should break up", then that would be fine. Or if I was like "no, I don't agree with you and I think we should try again", then he would give his response. So I think that that was his initial plan, and he had no expectation of where things could've gone. I think that me meeting up with him today with all this new information providing him additional information on making his decision.

SO, I suppose I’ll just do my thing and see what he says in the coming weeks. I don’t have HIGH hopes, and I’m not sure I believe EVERYTHING he says, but I will take whatever he did say for face value. I really still enjoy being with him. We cooked, ate and I napped on his couch (and he napped on the ground) and it seemed all normal once again. I suppose that’s why I was so upset leaving because we had it good, and I think we STILL can have it good. I honestly couldn’t stop crying in the end because I thought it would be my last time seeing him, but I’m holding onto his words that it is not. There’s a lot of areas in which I could be a better girlfriend to him, so I hope he can see that. 

I think in the time being, he should talk to his parents and clear some things out, such as where he should or would want to be in the end. Stay in Toronto? Move to Vancouver? Go back to Taiwan? I think there’s a lot of things he needs to figure out, and perhaps time is what he needs. In the meantime, I have said all that I have, so the ball is back in his court again. He’s a good person, and I really hope that he can step away from his self-destructive bubble and live for once. If anyone deserve to be happy, it honestly would be him. Since I know him, I am always trying to save him from forever living and dying in his bubble. While he acknowledges that he is the “most happy” in the bubble, he knows that he needs to get out of that mindset as well. Like I said, I’ve said all I needed to, and even though I can’t MAKE him change, he needs to come to that decision himself.

“Being rich is having money. Being wealthy is having time”. 

You explained this concept to me in 2021, but it really took a while for me to understand it and for everything to sink in after you left. After years of being told that achieving the status quo was enough, I honestly believed I was happy in life with everything I had. Perhaps this was subconsciously driven from the upbringing by my parents that never thought financial freedom was possible, as they immigrated to Canada with the intention to survive and provide - but times have changed. 

It only took you, one special person, that asked the right questions to show me that there’s more to achieve in life than I originally thought. During most of our discussions, I was quite resistive to such idea, but after (too) much thinking and reflecting, I realized that this is exactly what I want to work towards. 

So, as part of my goal for 2022, I am making a promise to myself that I will work towards this, slowly but surely. I know it’s going to be a long process, but I know this can be done - I’ve already achieved everything I have put my mind into. I’m not sure if I’ve come to this epiphany too late, but regardless of what happens in our lives, I want you to know that I am forever thankful and grateful for you. You are honestly an inspiration to me, and you make me want to be better every day as a person. Thank you for being patient with me, for teaching me, and for showing me what life is and can be about. Thank you for being apart of, and contributing to the happiest and most meaningful year of my life. I hope one day our paths will cross and you will be proud of me, what I’ve achieved and what I’ve become. I hope that when we meet again, you will finally be at peace and be genuinely happy. You honestly deserve the greatest things in the world. I won’t let you down. 🙏 

“This is something important to get done, and we should keep doing it or die trying. I don’t care about optimism or pessimism, but that we’re going to get it done” - Elon Musk

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That was the post I made on IG yesterday. I think there’s a lot of things that I’ve been thinking about this week. The whole thing about financial value and my plans for life. I realized that I want a partner in the future that is just as ambitious as you. I want someone who wants to reach the moon, and try to get there because even if you fail, at least you can say you tried. You will never get the shot if you never take one, and I think that’s what you’ve taught me.

I don’t even know if people read these “journal” entries, but I’m sure all of y’all are tired of me sulking and sobbing around. LOL, trust me, I’m tired of it, but I honestly can’t stop. It’s Saturday January 15, 2022 today. Since the breakup, I’ve been dreading weekends and days that I work from home because the silence and lonely just kills me. All I do is sulk around at home and wishing my ex was here. Honestly, I keep saying this but, I never realized HOW much my ex has changed me and shaped everything I am doing. (I don’t even remember if I mentioned this in my previous post), but I bought new socks the other day because I remember my ex wanting me to get “better” socks since I’m on my feet all day. He told me that I should treat myself better and shouldn’t cheap out on things that would be better for me in the long run. So, I got new socks... and even though he’s not here, his voice is in my head saying that. *shit, here I am crying again* But yeah, weekends are hard. Work from home days are hard. 

It’s 1:08pm, and I’m still crying. I dunno why, but I find myself periodically crying throughout the day when I think of you. My camera alerted me there was some movement in the living room (even though it was really just the bathroom light turning on), and I started to cry because I had a thought in my mind. The same way you walked out of my life, what if you realized you made a mistake and then walked back into my life? Like, how amazing would it be if I came home from work one day and you were just waiting in the living room for me to hang out with you. Like, as if nothing has changed and you never left. Like, while I was away, you snuck back into the house through my garage and just came back into my life. What if you did that and told me everything was just a big misunderstanding, that you talked to your parents and family about me and realized that you couldn’t live without me in your life or some bullshit like that?

I wish you were here. 

It’s Tuesday. It has almost been 2 weeks since we broke up. You left my house on Thursday, so I guess Thursdays are always bad days for me. I remember sending you a picture of me at work, and then you replying that you want to leave. I suppose that’s just the sort of feeling I have at work - that feeling of how I wasn’t home that day to be with you, and how you left in return. I suppose things are getting easier, or at least it seems from my end because I’ve just been occupying myself with work every day. I try to work as much as possible and picking up as many shifts as I can, so that I can tired myself out. When I get home, I basically just end up showering, eating and sleeping. That way, I’m way too tired to sulk about you not being here. I mean, so far, it’s been working, but I know that I’m just pushing the problem aside rather than dealing with these feelings head on. 

But times like today, where I work from home and I’m not as busy, my mind can’t help filling up with memories and thoughts from our last 8-9 months. I mean, listening to lofi songs also doesn’t help. While I actually like listening to lofi, these songs also remind me of you and our times together (like lofi in the background when in the kitchen on weekends both at my place and your place), so it inherently makes me sad and want to cry. I also can’t help just missing your presence in my life. I think you’ve thought me a lot throughout our short time together, and even though you’re gone (haha, I make it seem like you’ve died or something), I still hear your cute expressions in my mind: “you POS”, “you dog”, “cute”, or your exaggerated “aaaaaaaahahahaha”. I miss you saying and egging me on with the “tell me more, tell me more” or “tell me what happened”, and eagerly asking me “and then... and then”. See, when I write these things and remember these things, I start to cry because I really wonder to myself what happened. How can you be so cute and say that you respect me, and then just pick up your shit and leave?

That’s the thing I was talking Danijel about yesterday at work. I honestly don’t know what to think about this situation because while everyone tells me that you’re not “good” for me, I know that you are really good for me and good to me. While I know I keep making excuses for your excuses, I am honestly just trying to understand what happened and what went wrong. I play our last conversation on the phone (last Wednesday) over and over again. I don’t get it. I really don’t fucking get what happened. You said you wanted time alone since you haven’t had much time by yourself since the trip - so why didn’t you just TELL me you wanted some time alone downtown? I wouldn’t have argued and I would have given you the space that you needed. We’ve been apart for periods at a time because I know how important your space is to you - so what was different this time around? Why couldn’t you talk to me about it? Not to mention, I appreciate you staying at my place with me. You knew I was working remote 2 consecutive days during the week. I don’t know why you couldn’t have just ASKED me to go downtown with you. You made excuses on MY behalf, saying “oh, I know how stressful it is for you to commute, and I know how stressful it is to find parking downtown”, but again... you never ASKED me. Sure, I don’t like driving and parking downtown, but you damn well know that I would’ve made an exception if it was to continue our relationship and if I was able to see you. I’m surprised you used those as your excuses why we broke up because you never talked to me about it. You never talked to me about ANYTHING, and it seems like you just wanted to give up and end it - which is exactly what you did.

You said that the whole introvert/ extrovert thing wasn’t going to work out - why didn’t you tell me about this and we can work on it together. Many introvert/ extroverts date, so I’m not sure why this was an issue where we couldn’t work on together. I know that we had that misunderstanding prior to you going to Vancouver, and so it honestly never crossed my mind because I don’t hold grudges and I thought that problem was long in our past. The fact that you brought it up on Wednesday made me realize that you were still holding onto that. I thought we made up after that argument, so I definitely didn’t realize that you were still brewing over that while you were in Vancouver. Then, you have the family issue... the whole thing with the cultural/ background problem. Yes, it can be a potential problem in the future, but I’m not sure why it is a problem now. We haven’t even crossed that bridge, so why not just go along with it and see where it goes. I’m not sure what shit your family and parents can say about me, but I am a little disappointed that you chose them over me. Or, maybe that was the plan all along - to chose them over me. If you knew that was the case, then you shouldn’t have dated a Chinese girl to begin with. You honestly shouldn’t even have wasted my time. But I honestly didn’t think that the cultural difference was the biggest issue - there HAS to be something else. You say that Taiwanese people are very particular and care about status and stuff. Well, I have a good job, I’m a very good and respectful citizen in society, and I honestly don’t think I’m ugly... so what more could your parents and family say about me? Then you have the issue of wanting to move to Vancouver - so why didn’t you talk to me about this? You broke up saying that our values didn’t match, but how come you never talked to me or asked me if I wanted to move with you? From our conversation, you assumed a lot of answers on my side and basically thought/ spoke for me. You said “oh, I know you didn’t want to leave your family and I know your family is important to you, so I know you wouldn’t want to come to Vancouver”. Um... so did you ASK me this? Did you TALK to me about this?

There’s just so many questions I have left from you that I don’t know if I’ll ever have answers to. I wish you could and would just tell me straight to my face why you broke up. Say it - I fell out of “like” with you. Our personalities really didn’t match up and I didn’t like you anymore. I can’t stand living with you any more because of our differences. I wish you could tell me that you wanted a fling but than it turned into a relationship that you never really wanted with a Chinese girl. I wanted to hear from you that I turned you off, or that you were repulsed by me. I wish you could say that you hated me or despise me instead of you saying that you still respect me. I wish you would stop saying that you know how hard I work and that I have potential. Because honestly, you saying those things about me hurts me even more. Because you saying those things confuse the fuck out of me because if you do respect me and know how hard I work, then why did you fucking leave? Honestly, there were a million REASONS you could’ve said instead of the million EXCUSES you gave. Part of me is just so upset at you. You left for Vancouver and then left me permanently when you came back - for no good reason. Here I am trying to pick up the pieces, but it’s damn fucking hard. I know I didn’t say it to you personally, but I envisioned a life and future with you. I envisioned that you would be happier when you were back from Vancouver, and that I would get the best version of you. Since you’ve been through such a hard year with me, I envisioned that you would be there for more accomplishments, and vice versa. I mean, I was here when you changed jobs, and got your Driver’s License. You were here with me with I graduated, passed my boards and got my new place. We were there for each other during these big accomplishments, and I thought we would be there for each other for more.

Things are still going, but very slowly. I realized that my way to cope with everything is to distract myself with work - so I picked up a shift yesterday night (Friday night) at BCH after my shift at Schlegel. I suppose that way, my Friday night wouldn’t seem so boring and so sad alone in the house. I remember while I was getting ready to nap before work, my phone charger in my room was being weird (connection issues). Anyways, I had to switch to another phone charger and when I went to take it out of the plug, I saw the small Velcro tie that Em got for me to tie up all the wires together. I remember just crying in that moment because I had missed him so much. He’s honestly made my house so neat, and I love all the small details that he’s done. I miss him and still miss him, and I remain confused how he could just pack his shit and walk away from me without a good reason, but a bunch of excuses.

I came back from work this morning and took a nap. Woke up around 12:30pm, and rolled in bed for maybe an hour. When I actually got up, I think it was around 1:45pm - I remember look around my room and there was that afternoon light shining in the backyard. *Here I am crying again as I type this*. But I remember spending those weekends with Em in my house and just rolling around in bed and rolling around on the couch in the living room in the afternoons. I remember drinking coffee with him and him watching podcasts in the living room while I was doing something around the house, and just having him around. I remember that he would be on his computer sometime and I would go bug him and sit on his lap and hug him. I remember us hanging out in the living room and playing with the Switch during the afternoons, and then us going out for the evening to run around because I love going out on weekends. I honestly TRY SO HARD to convince myself that I am better without him, but I usually just end up crying, like how I am right now. Honestly, everything in this house reminds me of him. I honestly hurt so much because I miss him so much. 

I don’t know how he’s been doing these days, but all I can say is that I’m still hurting. There’s part of me that JUST DOESN’T UNDERSTAND what happened. If you want to go to Vancouver, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. If you wanted to go downtown because you wanted some time to myself, JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. If you wanted to take long showers, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT. Why just take all your shit home and leave? If telling your parents about me was the MAIN issue, it doesn’t even make sense because that meant he broke up with me with the IDEA that his parents would get upset at him. Since he DIDN’T tell his parents about me, that shouldn’t be the issue why we broke up. Honestly, I’m so confused. Honestly, I’m so heartbroken. So instead of just sulking around at the house, I’m trying to work as much as I can. I can’t spend time in this house without crying and being sad. My heart is so heavy and it’s just as painful as the day he left, even though it’s been over a week. Everything is just a blur. 

I’m honestly cycling through my emotions big time.  One day I’m empowered and feel like I can move on from this relationship no problem. Like, he left me so why do I want him back anyways. That was me yesterday night - I felt so empowered that if I never got to see him again, I would be absolutely fine about that. Yesterday night was the first time I didn’t feel any sort of sadness about this relationship. Like, if Em left me, then that’s his loss and I know that I’m still good. 

Now, a day later, I’m a complete mess again. I came home from work, ate dinner and lied in bed around 7:30pm. I thought to myself, I can’t be lying in bed NOW (because it’s so early), so I thought I would lie on the couch downstairs. NOPE. That’s when all the emotions came in. Fuck, I can’t even stand in my living room at the moment. There’s too many fucking emotions. Em and I would hang out there every night. We would watch shows, we would cuddle on the couch, we would play switch and just dick around on that couch. I remember that I would sleep on the couch when he wasn’t there because I felt his presence there. Now, I can’t even get close to that couch because I’m so hurt. 

I tried dating apps, but every time I think about Em, I honestly can’t compare him to anyone else. His worldly knowledge and his views on life is so rare. I don’t know what to think about him because while I know it’s the better decision that we’re not together, I’m actually just so sad by us breaking up. I don’t really know what I want from him or from this or what will become of everything, but all I can say is that I remain a total and complete mess, and I’ve never felt this way in a long time. Perhaps with my bad ex, I felt this way, but I could always justify the things he didn’t do and why I shouldn’t like him. Em - he was a GREAT guy. The “not so great” part is that he walked away from this. It’s been exactly one week since the break up and I’m still unsure why he didn’t talk to me about all those things that were bothering him. Since when was this a one sided relationship because this shit hurts really bad.

I hope I can get over this soon. I really do still miss him. I wish I could be close to him and cuddle with him again. 

Holy fuck. I’m an absolute horrible mess after this break up. I can’t even think about when the last time I cried this much in life. My heart has never been this heavy before and I’m absolutely torn. I just read my entry from May 30, how I thought Em was the one. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Was he actually the one, and my stubbornness and how shitty I was to him was the reason why I fucked it up?

I know during our conversation yesterday night, he says that this was the right decision in the end. Even though we might not see it now, that it was the right decision. I don’t know if that was him giving on us. All I know was that, even though I did complain about him and how he was boring and how he was ‘an old man’, I never appreciated someone more to have in my life. I know he says that we need to “suffer through the pain”, let the wound scab over, but holy fuck this is really fucking hard. I know he’s going to reach out to me when he’s ready to meet in person to talk about this, but I don’t even know when or how I will react when that happens. One thing is for sure, and that’s I’m going to bawl like a baby. I’m going to apologize for the bottom of my heart that I have treated him the way I did. The fact that I couldn’t compromise with what he liked, but he’s done for me, is completely unacceptable on my part. The part that he has to deal with me coming home hangry, and then me not eating what he MADE for me, is COMPLETELY unacceptable on my part. I don’t know if sorry will be enough, and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have reflected on this before.

I just know that the feelings I had for him since the beginning are still here. I want him in my life and I want to grow with him. I realize that it’s important to him to watch “bald guys” on TV, and for me to join him with that. He’s done SO much for me in the 8-9 short months, and I want him to continue being in my life in every way possible. I want him to teach me how to live fancy, I WANT him to show me how to succeed, I WANT to be there and celebrate his growth and wins, I want to be there for him.

I honestly can’t let go of this breakup - I’m not sure why this breakup has been so hard on me even though we never really even got to “loving” each other. I wonder how I could be so deeply hurt by our separation even though it was technically suppose to be “mutual”. Even though my last relationship (prior to this one) was very good, and I even said that I “loved” him, this relationship and our development felt much more real, and I think I’ve shed more tears on this relationship vs the latter.

He hasn’t even left my house for a week yet, but my days feel SO damn long. He left on December 30, and it’s only been 5 days. I know he called me on December 30 after he went home to give me an explanation of what happened and why he made the choices he did, but I can’t help think that he made the decision to walk away from me. Since he left, I feel alone at home. I mean, I suppose I took his presence from home for granted, because even though we were doing our own thing, we were still doing it within a shared space. Even though we weren’t talking, at least I knew and felt he was there. Now that my home is completely empty, all I can do is sulk about everything that he’s done and contributed around my house. I don’t even know if I like my house anymore. It just feels like my house was decorated together with both of our lives in mind. Everything from even the slightest detail, there’s a story behind it. Unfortunately, I’m that kind of sentimental person that everything around my house and even just BEING in my house hurts since the breakup. I don’t think he realizes how much this break up has affected me. While he felt like my home was never “homey” to him, now I feel like a stranger in my own home because everything here reminds me of him, and he isn’t here. Everything from my couch (there’s a funny story behind that that we still laugh about), to my TV stand and carpet (which we went to IKEA and picked out together), from my plant stand, and standing light and everything... 

From my room and my bed, and EVERYTHING in this house reminds me of him, so how do I escape that? How do I move on from this relationship when we attempted to build something together and he decides to walk away? I mean, I don’t know why I reacted the way I did on December 30, and why I was so agreeable to this breakup, because I’m not? I mean, I thought I was, and everything made sense in that moment, but why break up all of a sudden? From my perspective, I picked him up on Monday from the airport and we hung out for a bit, on Tuesday we dicked around and hung around the house and went for a walk in the evening (this is when we had a serious talk of where we wanted to go from here in the New Year), and on Wednesday...

LOL jk it’s now January 4, 2022 and I’m still crying about it.

I just got home from work, called my parents and took a shower. Cried about it while I was driving home talking to my parents about it, and had a very GOOD and LONG cry in the shower (as I was washing my hair). I think I’m pretty much all cried out for today, or maybe I’ll shed a few more tears later on tonight.

OOOOOOOOPs, okay now it’s January 5, 2022 at 11:03

I never finished writing these entries because I always get carried away doing something else. Anyways, I ended up calling him yesterday night because I end up messaging him yesterday night. I mean, I messaged him a meme yesterday during the day, and I honestly was a mess yesterday night to the point where I needed to get some closure or else I was too much of a mess to do anything else. 

This is the message I sent him: 

“You know, since you left, I had some time to reflect on everything. I know we briefly talked after and the conversation was mutual, but I feel like things ended quite abruptly after you came back from Vancouver and I was blindsided. I know things between us have ended, but I can’t help feeling extremely confused at the moment about everything. You don’t owe me an explanation and I’d hate to waste your time, but I was wondering if I could ask you my questions and get some clarification from you when I drop off your stuff/ pick up my stuff, so I can finally get some closure and hopefully move on.“

This was his answer:

“Understood, sorry that you felt blindsided by it all.

To be clear, its nothing about you and I came to the realization that Toronto probably wasn't it for me and missed home, being in my space, and with family. I'm an introvert at heart and need to be close to my family, I've been delaying it for too long in Toronto always pointing to my "business" or "higher income" as an excuse but I think this is the year for me to take action. Enough about me, you can ask your questions and I'll give my honest thoughts as always to give some closure.”

This was my response prior to the phone call:

“I've run all the events that happened before and after your trip to Vancouver through my mind and tried to made sense of everything, but for some reason I still don't know what happened. It does make sense for you to be closer with your family, but it seems like it was an executive decision you made without any prior discussion with me. I wouldn't have changed your mind, but I think talking it out would have made it easier for me understand rather than you packing your stuff away and leaving. To me, from my perspective, you came back Monday, I picked you up from the airport, Tuesday we chilled and had that conversation during our walk at night, Wednesday we had that miscommunication where I missed your phone calls and you didn't talk to me that night, and Thursday you literally packed your stuff and walked away from this 8-9 month relationship. In my mind, I waited for you to come back from Vancouver to see you and hang out with you, to have you leave me again, but this time for good - I literally can't comprehend this. Even though you say that it wasn't about it, I know there was a percentage of it that was. I know our relationship wasn't perfect, and we had to compromise for each other quite a bit, but I didn't realize that it was THAT bad to the point where you weren't able to communicate what was wrong and had to leave. I'm just upset that after 8-9 months of dating, this was the outcome and I wasn't part of the decision. I'm upset because I wish you knew what your plans were for the future prior to being in a relationship with me. You have always said that my house never felt like "home" to you, and now that you left, my house does not feel like a "home" to me. We decorated and designed my place together in hopes that maybe you would stay a little more or a little longer, but now I can't even enjoy my space or the food or anything else because everything has a story and a memory associated to you. Em and I built this bed together (our first furniture project together), Em put the shelves up for the shoes (how the Amazon stickers were crap and didn't work), Em and I went to Ikea together and got the TV stand and carpet (how you drove home while I was squished to the front of the car, but I was confident with your driving so I was singing). This is Em's work/ study room (this is his table), this is Em's bathroom. Em's pasta, Em's cup, Em's cutlery. Em's blanket, Em's seat at the dinner table. So yeah. I know how importance space is for you, how importance family is to you, and how you're an introvert. Since you left, I realized how empty it felt in my house when you were not here, and not anywhere. You mentioned once upon a time that you wanted to find someone to share small wins together, like enjoying a walk around the neighbourhood with coffee/ hot drink, trying something new, or literally not doing anything but spending time together. They say hindsight is 20/20 and that's absolutely true. Perhaps I overlooked your introvertedness because now as I reflect on everything, I actually created A LOT happy memories with you that I will cherish. You made my stay in Kingston much more tolerable, and I will never forget how excited I was to get off of work every weekend to come and see you. We would eat bougie food and drink bubble tea and cuddle on the couch and watch shows. I loved sleeping in the living room and waking up to the beautiful sunrises - it felt like a sleepover. I realized that we didn't need to go on big adventures or go very far to make great memories because all I have are thousands of pictures we have sent to each other through Whatsapp to remember the good times we've had. Like I said, I definitely took your introvertedness for granted. You were always calm and logical and thought things through. You made me question myself and everything around me and reminded me to reflect. I'm just rambling away because I honestly can't stop thinking about out each conversation and interaction we had to figure out where it all went so wrong. I know this wasn't an easy decision for you, but I wish this decision was made after discussing it with me. Because again, now I'm left here not knowing what to think or what to do. “

He called me shortly after my response. He basically told me that there was an argument we had days/ weeks prior to him leaving for Vancouver where our relationship was questioned, when he REALLY started to question our relationship. I remember that argument clearly, and perhaps I over-reacted but I remember that I was willing to walk away that day. The basis of the argument was about our differences as an introvert and extrovert. Perhaps it was a miscommunication, but I was upset because we were sitting at the dinner table and I said “I want to tell you about my day”, and he looked at the camera sarcastically as if thinking “omg here we go again”. I think I took it way out of context and I honestly regret it. I mean, we ended up cooling off and kept the relationship going. We never mentioned that argument ever again, and I honestly think things were fine. During the phone call, he answered a lot of my questions but I honestly can’t make sense of it all. He talked about how he missed home and family in Vancouver and was never really happy living in Toronto. He said that he missed his home in downtown, which is why he went back - he wanted some space to himself. I never understood WHY he took his stuff with him. He said that he just wanted to get everything done in one shot. I never understood WHY he couldn’t just tell me that he wanted to go home. I mean, I get it, he wasn’t happy living at my place, but I don’t get WHY he couldn’t have just asked me to come downtown. Yesterday, during our call, he said it was because it wasn’t fair for me to travel and drive that far. I called him out being like NO, you DON’T get to judge what I WOULD and WOULD NOT do for you. I made multiple trips from Kingston just to see him for the weekend, so it’s not FAIR that he gets to decide what I would or would not do for him. 

The other thing he mentioned was about the introverted/ extrovertedness. He said that he felt alone while he was at my house because we had to compromise a lot. If he was going to compromise that much, he might as well have just done it in the comfort of his own home, downtown. After talking to a friend yesterday, I realized how much of a dick I was. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking. Sometimes he would ask me to watch a show with him for 15 minutes, and for some reason because I was so resistive, that I wouldn’t do it. Honestly, like now that I think about it, SHIT... I honestly couldn’t have dedicate 10-15 minutes of my time to do something he enjoyed? But he did it for me when he bought the Switch and played games with me, even though he wouldn’t have done it if he was alone - so this alone was a compromise. And the times he would go out with me on the weekends even though he wanted to stay at home... another compromise. Like, geez. I was THAT selfish where I couldn’t have given that time to him? FUCK. Like, what was I actually thinking. And I needed someone to point that out to me yesterday night before I actually realized how shitty I was? 

Like I’ve done a lot of shitty things. I’m really stubborn and I’ve been a really shitty girlfriend. I remember he said on Wednesday, he finished work and waiting for me to come to home to eat. He made food, but because what he made wasn’t what I had planned in my mind, I had made different food. Like, FUCK. I’m actually SUCH a shitty person for that. Like he MADE food, but I didn’t eat it. If this role was reversed, like I wouldn’t even know what I would have done. So like, yeah, no shit he would’ve felt the way he did. Holy shit. Like I’m fucking mind-blown that I’ve acted the way I did. NO ONE I date deserves to be treated like the way I treated him. Like it’s not even about compromise. It’s like... I’ve been an absolute dickbag about this whole thing. I only have one mindset and no one can change. Omfg. 

Happy New Years!

I’ll just cut to the chase, but my ex and I mutually broke up. We broke up December 30, and even though I know it was for the greater good, it still really sucks because he is honestly still one of the most generous and hard-working guy I have ever met.

We discussed it but we recognized that we were just very different fundamentally. I think the BIGGEST challenge was him with a Taiwanese background and myself from a Chinese background. For some reason, this was just a big barrier within our relationship because of everything that’s been going on between the two countries. Even though we’ve tried to work on our differences, this was always the big elephant in the room that we needed to address. Ironically, prior to meeting him, I didn’t know ANYTHING about the events happening between China and Taiwan. I mean, I’ve been in Canada pretty much my whole life, and my parents don’t really talk to me about the history and events in China. I know it’s no excuse, but I honestly don’t care. It’s like, even if I had spare time in my day, I wouldn’t think to search up and read about this history - I mean, I know this is no excuse for my ignorance, but that’s just how my ignorance happened. Anyways, my ex being Taiwanese, this was a BIG sore spot for him. I know this was challenging in the beginning for the both of us, but I honestly didn’t think it would be THAT bad. My ex went to Vancouver over the winter holidays, and I guess his family was quite racist to China because when he came back, you could definitely tell he picked up some of that vibe. He would make these comments towards me regarding China, and I never really knew how to respond. Like I said, I’ve been living in Canada for most of life (I came here when I was 2), so to make racist jokes about China, I never know what the purpose was. The other thing was that because of our background, my ex never told his parents (who currently live in Taiwan) about our relationship. I guess he was afraid how his parents would respond? But then at the same time, what could they possibly be upset for? - For my ex dating a Chinese CANADIAN? I mean, maybe if and when I talk to him again, I’ll ask him these questions because I honestly don’t see why or what the big deal was. When he was back, he also mentioned to me how happy he was in Vancouver, and how he missed them so much after not seeing them for 2 years. He mentioned to me that perhaps it was a goal of his to move back to Vancouver within the next few years to live near his family. He’s the only one in Toronto, and I think he’s having second thoughts of moving to Vancouver.

Secondly, I think my ex had something towards my parents. I mean, I tried to delve a little deeper with him, but basically he just doesn’t want to have any sort of association with them. I’m not why that is, or what the reasoning was behind that, but I thought that was kind of weird. I mean, my parents were find with me dating him, and would often ask about him, but I feel like my ex wasn’t too forward with my parents. Like, even on Christmas, he never asked me to wish my parents a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year, which was kind of weird. I mean, I WOULD’VE wished his parents the same, but unfortunately they don’t know I existed, so I mean, there wouldn’t be a purpose for me to do so. I think that biggest thing that was challenging for me was that I went home for Christmas and my mom made us some food. I think it’s just so hurtful to see my mom put so much care and thought into my ex, and then have him brush it off like it was nothing. Making comments like “I’m not a liability”. My mom made us food and was so happy when I said my ex would try it. She was so thoughtful and considerate and wanted to make everything right. When my ex came back from vacation and I told him that my mom made him food, he didn’t want to eat it. I’m not sure why or what the reasoning was behind that, but it’s just hurtful to see that my mom cared so much about making this food (because she wanted my ex to be happy), and then have him blatantly reject the food for no good reason other than not wanting to be “sonned” by my mom. He would say something along the lines of “your mom can tell YOU what to do, but I’m not going to let her tell me what to do”. Like dude, it’s just food. You can eat it if you want, or don’t if you don’t - but I know in my mind, it was just hurtful to see the differences in their thoughts about each other (between my ex and my mom). I have no doubt that my ex was good to me. He was always considerate and thinking of me, but I think everyone else around was something hard for him to accept. I think it’s extremely important not only to like the person you are with, but everything they come with, including their friends and family. While he never disrespected them, I think he could’ve done a better job connecting with them.

Lastly, I think our difference in introvertedness/ extrovertedness was definitely another aspect which we felt difficult to compromise. He was a very introverted person and would like to keep to himself after work. I, myself, would like to come home and talk about work and gossip and do stuff. He wanted to relax, and watch TV, and not really talk about anything because he did all his talking and used up all his energy at work. I think that our views on what was “relaxing” was also very different. He liked watching/ listening podcasts, which I found that to be absolutely boring. He found that my energy level was too much at times and hard to keep up. I think that he felt that he was lying to himself when he would try to engage in conversations with me. Like, he wanted to because he knew it would make me happy, but he also felt like this is not what he would’ve wanted? I mean, we tried to compromise with each other - he tried to talk to me more after work, and I tried to give him more space to do what he wanted to do (whether that was watching shows or listening to podcasts). I think that in the end, we realized that while we can compromise on this for now, it might be difficult to compromise with in the long term because it was affecting our happiness. He would often say “I feel like I’m living multiple lives”, and I think he had difficulty figuring out what he wanted and how he wanted to live his life.

I think he did compromise with me a lot though. He lived downtown but he had been staying with me at my house for a while because of my commute to work. I think that at my house, he felt bored and trapped. He would work from home while I would leave him for my work that I had to go into for the day. He worked from 9-5, and I worked from 8-6 with a 1-hour commute each way. I think that because he had been liking in downtown for most of his life (or at least for the last 7 years), and now switching to the suburbs without any stores or anything near by, it was a big shock him. He would often tell me how he felt more free downtown because he was able to walk around and have easy access to stores, rather than having to drive out in a car for anything he needed. I think that he felt really bored at my place, even though I tried to make the house as “homey” as I could, he would always feel like a visitor and never felt “at home”. He also had a gym in his building downtown, and even though he bought some weights for my house to use, again, it never felt the same to him. I do appreciate him staying at my place for as long as he did though. I think it was a big compromise on his part, and I am truly appreciative that he committed to doing that.

My ex was truly one of the most humble and hardest working person I have ever met. I don’t say this lightly because I know a lot of hard working people. I think the difference with him that I appreciate the most is that he takes his words and turns them into action. He’s definitely a “do-er”, and he has great goals in his life that I KNOW he will achieve. He always questions the status quo and he has changed my life forever. He made me realize that financial freedom looks like, and he’s made me realize that 9-5pm job is not the dream job. He has taught me how to be clean, how to be a minimalist, and how to be happy. He’s helped me with investments (both stocks and crypto), and he’s help me see a new way of living - a minimalist living in P3. I honestly don’t know what my life would’ve looked life if we never met, and this is something I never would’ve expected from him when we first matched on Hinge. He’s honestly so humble and so kind and I don’t know what I could or would ever do to repay him. Even yesterday, I had messaged him about something that I had fucked up on, and he called me and walked me through everything for an hour. I had lost some money and without even asking, he gave me/ lent me some. Honestly though, meeting him has changed my life for the better in every single way. I know he’s always chasing that financial freedom, so I hope that he will be able to each his goals soon and finally be able to rest and truly be happy.

Overall, this relationship was way more than I expected it to be, in the best way possible From matching with him on Hinge and making this random decision to go on a first date with him AT HIS HOUSE and staying over, to living together - this has been a while 8 months. I met him while I was in Kingston for school, and I remember driving back to him on weekends to see him. We would have so much fun walking around downtown Toronto in the summer, and eating bouje food at night while watching TV. I’m not sure how we made it work out before, and perhaps things weren’t that bad before because we only saw each other on weekends, but things were great. I mean, things were still great, even until December 30, even until now. I appreciate how supportive he’s always been - he has always given me confidence that I could achieve whatever I wanted to do.  *insert tears* LOL, I’m always going to be sad about this relationship because I thought we were pretty good together. I suppose this is all still pretty fresh to me, but I mourn for the life we could’ve had and how things could’ve been. You know, when he first packed his stuff and went downtown on December 30, he said that he wanted time to think about things. He called me that evening and told me that things weren’t probably going to work out. We broke up that evening, but I know that we are both very sad and disappointed about it. Even when I called him yesterday, he said that he just wanted to be downtown to clear his mind. I mean, we are broken up, but I wonder if there would ever be a chance would could get back together. But now that I re-read his message, I don’t think so. He said: Reading this again it makes me feel sad ngl, but long term i know it was for the better. I am leaning towards letting some time pass a bit but will hear your thoughts. Plus, I’m not sure if that would be a good or bad thing - if it would just be a cover and prolong the inevitable. Regardless, I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the great things and great times we had together. They weren’t BIG adventures or anything, but they are the ones I remember the most: going to that Starbucks beside Craig’s Cookies and getting drinks before our walk, walking to Lakeshore that one afternoon and sitting at the bench talking, Eaton Center, browsing around Marshall, going to that Pho place in Chinatown, walking all over Chinatown and downtown... so many walks. It was always so good. We would get food and come home and smoke and sleep. That was the life. 

So, I think I’ll meet up with him in 2 weeks or a month, or whenever he lets me know he’s “ready”, so I can return his stuff back to him. (He left some shit at my house and he also has some of my belongings). I wanted to return it to him yesterday (because I was close downtown), but he said that it might be too early and wanted me to do it when he’s ready. Anyways, I wrote him a letter than I left in his things I am going to return saying that I was so appreciative of us having a chance to connect in the way we did. I’m so happy that we met, and he’s impacted my life in so many ways. He helped me decorate my house, helped me start investing and building passive income, and made me question the status quo. I keep repeating this, but he’s changed my life for the better, and I don’t know if I’ll find someone as unique as him. He’s too smart for his own good, which is why he sees this world as a dark and jaded place. I hope that he figures everything out and is finally at peace with everything and happy at the end. At the end of the letter I wrote for him, it says “thank you for contributing to the best year and most meaningful year of my life. Thank you for being a chapter of my story”.