🎨

i need to be locked in a room (with window for air circulation) and only given the appropriate amount of food and water and not let out until i create something meaningful to me

my body is perfectly physically healthy when i dont binge no allergy symptoms or inflammation at all hair not falling out but i relapsed since i had nothing to replace binging with my allergy symptoms r all back and my hair is falling out again very interesting :(

i need to take my allergy meds and stop screaming im not allergic to anything just having severe depression for so many years lowered my immune system so now my body is sensitive and has allergy symptoms like nasal and lung inflammation which causes runny stuffy nose mucus phlegm and rashes symptoms get worse when im more stressed and exhausted the weird rashes only started like a month or two ago and has since died down since i started taking new allergy meds i hate being reliant on meds but i have no choice rn since i cant self medicate with weed which will literally fix my inflammation or at least help my body fight the inflammation anyways i know weed will work for this obviously not smoking it cause smoking too much weed everyday for half a year gave me like very light asthma lmao i love weed i miss weed weed cured my insomnia <3

i feel the wall of total exhaustion about hit me but it hasnt hit me yet so im floating i only sleep for about 2-3 hours a day and eat very little cause no BED anymore but still obviously very disordered eating

im like getting excited over everything for no reason im not excited about anything ever because nothing happens and everyday is the same day suffering in hell for me i dont have anything to look forward to except for more ‘eternal’ suffering so this is weird

something is different its almost 5am and im not exhausted and dying like i usually am i am full of energy that came out of nowhere for no reason i keep wanting to scream i dont feel the ever glooming dread doom and hopelessness that i usually do constantly something has changed in my brain chemistry is this a manic episode why am i not tired ive never experienced this before i usually have no energy at all times due to severe depression duh was i just going through a depressive episode for the last 10 years and now im going to be manic for the next 10 lol no how can i be experiencing a manic episode if i dont go outside or do anything or see anyone :)

and yet when i sing the light inside of me still flickers

my everyday reality is much more terrifying than any horror film i’ve ever seen there r only 3 places where i exist on the toilet on the chair and on the bed im chained up here and i cant leave imagine only being able to go to these 3 places every single day and forced to harm yourself no one is keeping me here except my sick brain and no help from any source for 10 years depression getting worse and worse as time goes by putting me in this prison hell situation where i cant leave i dont leave theres no reason to leave theres no reason to ‘live’ i wish i could be alive everyday but i cant see how it can happen how can i get better with no help who has the strength to pull me out of hell when im suffering this deep under

i need to be rescued and protected but idk how much longer i can endure this agony hopelessness completely isolated all alone everyday with no light

everyday repeating the same day suffering in hell the same torment so boring imprisoned in the same small space unable to go outside sinking deeper and deeper down as the years go by my tears run dry

i have to stop screaming because i cant sing in falsetto with damaged vocal chords