ramblings

If your belief system claims to offer a solution for the world's problems, but in practice actually leads you to only interact with others who share that same belief system rather than engaging with the rest of the world around you, it may be time to question whether that belief system really holds the answers it claims.

I think perhaps the most interesting and most challenging aspect of being an openly bi man in today's America is that there isn't really much of a precedent set for how bi men are supposed to behave or function in society. I'm sure this is oversimplifying things, but it seems like as a straight man, you have a certain set of cultural norms to which you can default, and the same can more or less be said for gay men at this point. I, on the other hand, exist partially but not completely in both of those worlds, relating to each to an extent, but not fully accepted by nor fully accepting of either. I am something else: a fish consistently out of water. I have learned to code-switch in an instant in order to function in both of these established male realms. The lines are drawn so specifically and distinctly that I can do that without raising too many eyebrows, and yet I never fully feel that I belong in either one. I have only ever even met a handful of other men who openly identify as bi, and even among them, there is a broad spectrum of experience, perspective, and self-definition of what a "bi man" looks like. This is my challenge, and not an easy for me: to pick and choose the norms from each side that apply to myself, disregard the rest, and try to figure out what version of myself makes sense to me, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It is simultaneously liberating and terrifying.

What do you call someone who believes in you with relentless determination? What do you call someone who loves you unconditionally? What do you call someone who is always there for you, regardless of time and distance? Someone who sacrifices all for you without a second thought? Someone who tries to help, even when you don't ask for or deserve help? Someone who is kind, even when you disagree? Who genuinely listens and cares? Who is always ready with a helping hand and a comforting hug? Who has a shoulder ready for you to cry on? Who is the first to celebrate your victories, and the first to nudge you forward after your defeats? Who tries to give you everything you need to be successful and satisfied in life, and then takes none of the credit? Who witnesses your first breath, and through pain unimaginable, decides then and there that you are worth it, and that every breath you take thereafter is worth pouring her life into? What could you possibly call such a wonderful person? Well, I call her Mom, and I call her friend. I can't possibly say it enough, but thanks, Mom, for everything. Happy Mother's Day.

As the king of Sensible Castle in Ireland, I made these decrees.

Am I just perverted, or does anyone else think this Amazon photo for this shampoo is a bit... erotic...?

No, Snape. It isn't. RIP.

First things first: if I'm in the restroom, please consider that I'm having a private moment and don't want to have a conversation. That being said, my coworker entered the restroom while I was mid pee. I was occupying the higher of the two urinals. For those not in the know, urinals are sometimes placed at different heights to accommodate people of different heights. This coworker passed by me, headed to one of the stalls, and pointed at the lower of the urinals, saying, "Hey Austin, what's that one for? Do we have midgets working here or something?" Then he cackled his Quagmire laugh as if what he had said was hilarious. I responded, "You know, there may be shorter people in the building from time to time." Not that he knew, but it should also be noted that there was another, unknown person in the other stall of the restroom at the time. I have no idea the height situation of that person. The point of my story? This is by no means the worst thing that's ever happened, but I think it's strange sometimes how people toss around ignorance as humor and expect you to go along with it. We may not have any "midgets" working here at the moment, which, by the way, is not the preferred nomenclature, but you never know who will come into the building or who will work here in the future. Perhaps public spaces should be accommodating to different kinds of people? I don't know. This just stuck with me, and I wanted to write it down.

Am I the only one?

Or am I really just attracted to myself? If so, does that make me shallow? Things I think about.

I just had a conversation with my dad in which we talked about my same sex attraction, and he did not seem appalled or disappointed or try to convince me it was wrong, and I kind of want to cry with happiness. He just talked about it like it was normal, like he sort of acknowledged it was just my reality. I know it may have just been the circumstances or context or timing. I know this may have been just a one time, fleeting, freak occurrence, but it felt so… normal. Like that’s how a conversation between a bi son and his straight father should go. I don’t know what to do with myself right now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going completely crazy. Like I'm just going to black out and wake up somewhere else. Or just lose my shit and explode on someone. I feel my blood boiling. I can't focus. I feel so insecure. I feel so alone. I feel so misunderstood. And yet I have so much good in my life. So much to be thankful for. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm losing it.