love galore

the smallest man who ever lived

y si nunca te veo, lo aceptare. simplemente así. si nunca nos decimos el último adiós, lo entenderé. y si nunca decides regresar, no preguntare el porque. pues yo ya sabré. y si nunca te beso o nunca te abrazo or si nunca lo hacemos otra vez, no protestare. el poder aceptar algo que en realidad no deseas. yo entiendo perfectamente y a la misma vez le sigo orando a dios que cambie el destino. creo que hasta yo me río cuando me escucho pues yo bien se que la vida seguirá. yo se que si nunca nos volvemos a ver, yo seguiré. yo viajare a latino america y me mudare a puerto rico eventualmente. yo estudiare mi carrera. todo pasara y la vida seguirá. pero, tanto deseo que las cosas fueran diferentes. aunque estaré feliz aunque estaré satisfecha, yo aun pensare en lo que hubiéramos hecho si estuviésemos juntos. me pregunto se hubiéramos ido a vivir a Austin o si eventualmente nos fuimos a vivir a un apartamento aquí en la cuidad. me pregunto si hubiéramos ido a la boda de tu amigo o de que color nos vestiríamos a la fiesta de navidad en mi trabajo. me pregunto si me acompañarías al funeral y mientras ella da la eulogia me contarías un chiste para que no llore. son preguntas sin sentido pues yo sé que la vida seguirá sin ti. no porque no quisiste regresar pero porque no lo permite. a pesar de todo esto, no te pediría que la dejaras. no llegare a tu casa a rogarte ni te mandare mensaje para saber como estas ni le preguntare a mis amigas por ti. porque como le pides a alguien que cambie algo seguro por lo incierto? sin importar nuestro historial nadie lo haria. así que terminare de pagar la deuda del carro, vendere mis cosas, encontrare nuevas amistades, descubriré restaurantes nuevos, disfrutare un cafe descafeinado en el starbucks de la calle diez pero siempre pensare en ti. y si nunca nos volvemos a ver, yo lo aceptare.

there is a kind of sadness invoked as i leave the party with my heels in my hands. i walk through this poorly built parking lot that should be shorter. nevertheless, i walk with my thoughts. the city is quiet. no cars pass by. i look to my right and see your favorite drive thru coffee. i remember your order like it was my first name. it’s been 12 days since. i wonder if i should even keep count. i don’t know how it happened so soon. my friends tell me you were probably talking to her since before, but i’d like to think that isn’t true. i wonder if she already existed when we went to watch the game. did she know who i was before? does it even matter? none of these answers will change the outcome. i hate to think you’re on the list now. the one i swore you’d never end up on. trust me, i’ve gone through worse. the miscarriage, the clinic, the cheating, the lying. truly, i have. somehow this doesn’t feel smaller. maybe because i believed in this. i thought this was end game. i thought this was the last year i’d show up alone to parties. the last year i’d go to the assembly alone. i thought this was the year you’d meet my parents. the year i’d start saying, “my fiancé.” instead, the title for this year became: "things i never thought would happen". this parking lot is endless, just like my thoughts. i wish you could have seen my dress or the looks of pity. 23 and not married. no kids. no degree. after three years, i am alone again. i have friends. i have parents. but no one was ever really on my side the way you were, even when you didn’t understand me. he asked what i’d do if you came back. the truth is i’m still not ready to be in a relationship, but i would force myself to try. i did it once. i made it work. it’s hard to believe that three years later i couldn’t do it again. none of this changes the outcome. i reach the car, but my thoughts keep going. i pass the coffee shop you used to hate until you changed your mind. i try to recall the last time we went. did we play bananagrams? i'm not sure. i sit outside for a while. i wonder who was the girl you knew that worked here. was it her? was she always there and i just didn’t know? i hate when these things happen. now i doubt everything. was she plan b? or was i plan b? whats worst is that she's everything i was insecure about. polished. effortless. stick thin. another reason not to eat. i take the long way home. drive below the speed limit. text her to see if she’s at the bar. getting blackout drunk feels appropriate, but she’s already home. i wonder if you’ve slept with her already. things i probably shouldn’t think about. has she met your mom? probably. has she met your friends? of course, they even liked your facebook post. i always knew they weren’t my friends but it’s so hard to actually see it play out. i can imagine talking about it on discord and everyone telling you to go for it, to forget about me because i already did. should i place a bet on the engagement? $20 if you get engaged on the year. she’s already done everything that i wanted to do in record time. so you’ll probably marry her within the year even though i got told you wanted to date for 5 years first. took me almost the whole 3 years to meet your mom but i’m sure she’s already done that. took me 6 months to go to your house but i’m sure she’s already been there. she probably already drank with your friends til 6 am. met your three dogs, met your brother. the gym owner, your girl friends. the taquero in mexico. she has the good mornings, the playlists, the i love you’s, the halloween costumes, the wallpaper on your phone. you’re probably a better man for her.  it took her 2 weeks and i didn’t even get all that in 3 years. i ran a red light. between the tears and my dry contacts, i couldn’t see. i don’t know where i went wrong. i also don’t regret it. i pray, but i don’t find relief. i used to have plans for our life. now i don’t have any plans at all. there’s nothing left to think about. i’ve arrived home.

how do you forgive? some say you talk to the person and let them know what is bothering you. some say you just let time pass by so that you can get over it. but how do you forgive yourself? how do you let time pass and forgive yourself? or talk to yourself and let yourself know what is bothering you? i dont know if i can ever forgive myself. but if i dont, i will just be another preaching about mental health and not practicing what i do. how do you feel relief and not guilt? because what was the most shocking decision of my life actually saved my life. if what happened didn't happen, i don't think i would have found my peace. how do i forgive myself for making the best choice for me? no one has to understand but how do you make others understand? how do you justify what seemed to others one of your worst choices? i dont think no one understands and no one has to understand. however the dirty stares and the quiet talk, they will always remind of me of the pain. how do i forgive? how do i forgive you?

what would you do if you could turn back time? if today god spoke to you and asked you to go back to one day and change things, what would you do? most people would say they would like to go back to a day where their family member or friend was alive. or they would go back in history to change an important date like 9/11. but i wouldn't say that. i would say that i would go back to our anniversary. that day where it all semmed inevitable. in reality it wasn't. i would go back to that morning and stay in bed. maybe forget to put my alarm. i would wake up late and with the best mood, i would text you good morning. ask you how your night went and if you had fun. when you would tell me that you were running late i wouldn't get mad, i would take some time to read a book or paint a landscape. i would make my breakfast and drink my coffee. i would go to my spinning class. and instead of getting mad i would be compassionate. i would tell you that its ok the important thing is we spend it together. you would come back at 5pm and we would have dinner. go out for coffee. play some bananagrams. you would wish us a happy 3 months. you would tell me the unfortunate news which i would find out later. but you'd tell me that its ok, we could make it past everything and that we would be the same. and we would end our day with our goodnights and i love you's. but i can't turn back time. these are all wishes and wants. its a false reality i have created in my head so that i don't have to remember that day. so i dont have to remember how i screamed so loud in my bedroom after you told me it was over. how i sobbed so intensely on my drive. how i ran away to the beach instead of fixing things. how i didn't fight. i wonder if things would have been different if i was different. or it was all just written in the stars. written in the stars is the truth. maybe because you told me the week before or maybe because the signs were everywhere and i was just so blinded to it all. more than blinded i believed in you. but thats the funny thing it doesn't matter anymore. god doesn't turn back time no one can. the things we do live with one forever. the words the actions every single thing carries on forever.

i long for the day we meet again. the day where i get to say everything i couldn’t say. i think about it more than i really should. and maybe i shouldn’t but you try telling my body that we are not together that the past 6 months went through the drain. i can’t help to blame myself but mostly i blame you. why couldn’t you be understanding when it mattered? why couldn’t you be kinder when i needed it? all these promises made in a parking lot filled with tears and kisses faded like a temporary tattoo. i sit nowadays in a coffee shop imagining what could of been of us i sit here writing on my computer even when i’m a firm believer of paper and pen but if i don’t write if i don’t speak if i don’t say anything my mind continues to be plagued with the thoughts of you. i don’t know what i’d tell you i don’t know what i’d say. i have a long list of things i could tell you maybe i could call you out or i could call it on but i don’t think i’d even have the breathe to speak a single word. i know the moment i’d see your face i’d try to forget it. alcohol drugs boys kisses parties but nothing can make me forget the way you held me at breaking point and nothing could make me forgive you for leaving me at the lowest. could i find the room to justify your ignorance when i told you i wanted to die? could i find the space in my heart to give you a second chance? i think i’d say yes but i know that between you and i we could never forget. i don’t know if we’ll ever get to speak again. its all hypothetical. because the truth is you are nothing more than a coward who hides behind a screen. i know you would never dare to speak to me that even if you claim to have moved on the moment you see me i would see right through it. i know you’re afraid of me because i can live my life a little even if at nights i cry but my head isn’t consumed of fear or rage or anger something you could never achieve:

i live in a constant state of the past in a constant state of wanting to turn back time. call me crazy but can you blame me? because why did she do that to me at 8 years old? did i do something to provoke her? or why did my mom ignore me after i attempted the first time? did i make her mad? and why did she cheat on me when we were engaged? was i not loving enough? and why didn’t he stay? i thought it was love? and why couldn’t he change for me after 3 years? was i not enough? i am a product of events where people tell you there’s a higher purpose for. but what’s the higher purpose of exposing me at 7 years old? or there’s people who tell you that you will move on. but how can i move on from my mother and my fathers lack of love when i took the razor? and some will tell you that you will learn a lesson. but what lesson am i supposed to learn about myself from the guy who i was never good enough to change for? i don’t know why i’m here or why i go through the things i do. its not for a higher purpose or for a lesson to learn and i wont move on from it. therefore i look at the past and i hope i can turn back the time because it’s just as worthless as trying to understand. i don’t heal i just add new scars to the ones existing. i don’t move on i just have more reasons to not feel enough. i don’t live i just continue to make others happy. but when will i be happy? when will i be enough? i’ve stopped crying finally but i’ll sit at my job expressionless i’ll be an empty shell at church and i’ll pretend to eat at the dinner table. i’m stuck in the past, can you blame me?

i wonder if you stay up and think about us. if you wonder how i'm doing or i like living alone. or if you wonder what hair color i have now. because i think about those things, yo pienso en ti. pienso en todas esas cosas y muchas mas. the thing i wonder most is how you've managed to forget me. how you moved on so easily. como me has olvidado si yo no te he olvidado. vives en mi mente y mis memorias. but how can i not live in yours? do you not think about me when you go to the beach? or when you listen to bad bunny in the car? do you ever pass by our spot or do you avoid the area just to not think about me? do you avoid my favorite coffee shop? or did you stop eating at my favorite restaurant? do you still wear the clothes i wore or are they in the box underneath your mom's house? quiero pensar que todavia me recuerdas pero no creo que es verdad. la verdad mas bien es que ya me haz olvidado y no te tomo mucho tiempo. within a week you were singing the same songs to another girl and taking her out to our favorite places. my seat was never empty but just replaced by the girl who always wanted you. maybe that's how it always meant to be and i was simply there to take you from point a to b. maybe i made you better so that she could have you. i fear i'll never know what was meant for us. here's what i do know, i don't think you ever loved me but was in love with the idea of me. you loved having me but not actually me. i was too much too little too anything too everything. you never felt alone though, you never were. she was always there and now she's here ready to pick up the pieces. you betrayed me you lied to me and while i can't accept it, i'll remind myself until i can. there's no point in giving you compassion when all you've offered is guilt. would you think this is crazy if it happened to your sister? would you still call her heartless like you did to me? and even after it all, i wish you get everything you've wanted but mostly that i never have to hear about it.

te extraño, pero solamente soy tu amiga. no una amante. no la chica que te quiere. solamente la amiga en cual tu te apoyas en tus días tristes y usas en tus momentos débiles. el día que te dije tú aceptaste sin preguntar sin pelar. como si esto fuera el plan desde el principio. como si tu ya lo habías visto en una visión. solamente hiciste unas cuantas preguntas y callaste. sin pensar en lo que pasaba al otro lado de la pantalla. una niña cayendo al piso, llorando sin razón. una decisión que tomó ella con mucho dolor con pena. palabras no salían de mi boca solamente llantos y lágrimas. sentía el dolor de la niña en mi. la que soñaba con felices para siempre. ¿como le digo que felices para siempre son solo en los sueños? pertenecen en los cuentos de hadas o en las vidas de los ricos. quiero solamente vivir feliz con el un sólo día. así la niña adentro de mi ser me dejará de preguntar what did i do wrong. tu nunca hiciste el mal, niña mía. el mundo es cruel, tu corazón es bueno. you love too hard too fast. ahora me encuentro en el baño tragándome las lagrimas mientras me arreglo para salir. y cuando llego con mis amigas, mi llanto sacia. sería calmada como mi mamá me hubiera esperado. "no llores más" me decía cuando llegamos con compañía. mi madre me enseñó a no mostrar emoción al estar con otros. "sola puedes sentir todo pero al salir tu te calmas". oh madre desearía contarle a mi amiga why i can't listen to love songs or order coffee at starbucks. son recordatorios que lo perdí. al llegar a mi carro siento mi soledad, es cuando puedo soltar mis llantos de dolor. in my head come to mind the words i said. we're only friends i told you. pero yo no quiero ser amigos i don't need to see other people. i know i only need you. tu no me peleas. porque no me peleas? porque no me dices que no necesitas una amiga? necesitas una compañera, necesitas quien te ame y te quiera. busco las maneras de justificarte, razones para comprobar que me quieres. no lo encuentro. you don't fight for us y lloro más. lloro porque no hay más que hacer no hay solución al problema que yo invente. amor regresa a mi fight for us enséñame que no tengo que temer al cambio, que tu intención no es lástimarme sino amarme. aunque no debo, le oro a dios que nos ayude a regresar juntos como desde el principio. pero hasta dios sabe que es mi karma por no quererte desde enero. ahora simplemente lloro hasta la madrugada y despierto hasta la tarde. me quedo en cama todo el día para no pensar en ti. no abro mi boca capaz que se salga mi veneno otra vez.

i know you deserve more than i could ever give you. you deserve an easy love with someone who doesn't have so many layers to cut through. someone with less complications and more love to give. in fact someone who isn't afraid to be loved. i know my thoughts wont leave because i live with regret, i live with sadness. i know i'll have to live without you and live with the thought that i failed you. and more importantly that given the choice, you wouldn't choose me anymore. that i am no longer the girl you want to be with and the one you want to spend the rest of your life with . i am not the first thought in your mind and i am not the last one either. you have simply moved and found arms to come home to. and i am stuck being the sad story. the girl who cannot love and be loved. and maybe thats what kills me the most. you get to move on and i cannot even find myself talking to another person without crying. i cannot listen to music without breaking down. i cant eat without feeling guilty. that i've lost myself throughtout everything and it took you a week to move on. i'd like to ask you how you did it but i fear that when i hear your voice i would lose my breathe. i have no hope for life. and i find no pleasure in it. i live day by day hoping one day i feel less sad but its been a month and a half and i still can't listen to our song. i know its not your fault but how cannot it not be? when i told you this you didnt seem to care and you chose to move on. im so tired of crying and the sleepless nights. the calling out of work. the torturing myself at the gym. the breaking down every time i go out with my friends. you're the punchline to all my jokes and the topic of conversation when it comes to gossip. you're the theme of all my spotify playlists and the inspiration behind my new hair color. youre my excuse when my parents ask me why i can't be more active in church and the reason i dont text back any guy. the reason i've started smoking again. i dont want to love you anymore. but im sorry i love you.

i think i'll hold my breathe. count to 3. exhale. do it one more time just in case. i'll hold my breathe, count to 3 and exhale. i hope this will stop my tears and make me feel better. but then i'll hold my breathe count to 5 and exhale. i don't know how to answer you. why do you want to be just my friend? i've heard this one before. then i'll hold my breathe count to 7 and exhale. did i do something wrong? why is the story repeating? i'll hold my breathe count to 9 and exhale. my tears don't stop rolling. he told me the same thing for 2 years. and the guy i met in october told me we could be friends and he's engaged now. why do you just want to be my friend? i'll hold my breathe count to 10 and exhale. i can't trust you anymore. you are just like him. and him. and him. and the rest of them. i'll hold my breathe count 11 and exhale. i'm sorry was all you could say. but sorry can't fix it. you can't put a bandaid on a bullet wound. i'll hold my breathe but i won't count anymore. i sit in silence and you ask me to say something. but the rug has been pulled from my feet. the little trust i offered was stolen. it wasn't given back. i exhale. say something you say but what is there to say? you have said it all. i want to be your friend i hope we can just be friends. i'll just hold my breathe. 

i look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize her, she looks like the shell of the person i used to be, doesn't seem better nor doesn't seem worse. this girl in the mirror is 20 pounds overweight but she's still the same one who counts calories and smokes ice mint vapes to avoid eating. the girl in the mirror looks glowing but hates her appearance. the girl in the mirror doesn't touch herself at night anymore but because she has no drive anymore. the girl in the mirror has a boyfriend but no longer has any friends at all. the girl in the mirror has her finances in order but lives with her parents again. she is not worse not better. she is just a reminder of who she was. the girl in the mirror no longer lives in psychical pain caused by razors but lives in mental agony caused by life. she is not better and she is not worse. how could that be? how can someone not be better but not be worse? how can someone exchange an unfulfilled life for another unfulfilled one? it's a fair trade or at least i think. negotiation has never been my strong suit. so when i look at myself, i see her and i think this is what it looks to be like you and feel like you but at the same time not feeling like anything. how it feels to be depressed but happy at the same time. how it feels to breathe but at the same time be gasping for air. the feeling of nothing but everything at the same time. the feeling of knowing everything has changed yet somehow stayed the same.