jamesâ crush on keith is actually.....................so unhealthy. because itâs just this flippant thing when theyâre 16 and james is immature and his feelings translate as jealousy and aggression and maybe thereâs something to be said about the fact that he c a r e s more than he should when theyâre 18 and the kerberos mission is declared a bust and then a week later everyone notices keith is missing except james noticed it 4 days ago. he thinks about keith every single day and he  h a t e s  it but he also canât help it and itâs this quiet obsession that no one knows about because the only time itâs  u n c o n t r o l l a b l e is late at night and this boyâs face who heâs spoken less than twenty words to in one setting keep flitting across his mindâs eye and teenage hormones are the freakinâ w o r s t. Â
eventually his rampant obsession dies down into some quiet memory and heâll still think about keith from time to time . . . wonder what on earth ever happened to that kid and remember all the reasons how he managed to get under jamesâ skin so much with barely a word said. it was always his  e y e s, the challenge, the fight, the anger in them that used to speak to james.
almost six years pass before he sees keith again and keith is a whole new person. heâs taller, broader, stronger. heâs aged in more than just  t i m e  and james feels insignificant standing next to him. itâs irrational how much he feels for this kid --- no,  m a n, now --- when on paper they should be nothing more than a blip on each otherâs radar. how is it that jamesâ radar seems to be fixated on keith ? ? ? and the real kicker. the real punch-u-in-the-gut, spit-in-your-face, shove-ur-heart-in-a-vice-and-crush-it  k i c k e r  is that keithâs radar is fixated on someone else. and probably always has been, in one way or another.
they talk about him in hushed whispers and reverence brimming at their throats. he looks the part of a  h e r o ; a scar across his face and a missing limb like a textbook prisoner of war. they were quick to believe heâd piloted himself and his team into  r e c k l e s s deaths. he was sick, they said. he never should have gone on the mission, they said.
then, they were quick to believe that he and his team of  m i s f i t s  were the universeâs only hope. that for the last however many years they were championing peace and liberation throughout a universe torn apart by a ten thousand year old intergalactic war.
itâs easy to believe a story if the  c h a r a c t e r looks the part. and heâs always been the hero type. strong shoulders you would trust to carry the world. ambition that had left his peers behind in a trail of dust and a smile so genuine and kind you couldnât even  h a t e him for it.
heâs been through something and itâs clear keith has too. the way they move around each other youâd think they were planets orbiting each other, in perfect synchronisation but itâs not practiced. itâs just k n o w n  the way the tide knows to leave the shore in the evening, and return again at dawn. keith walks into the room and itâs jamesâ head that lifts up, watching, a h e l l o  formed on his lips that never sees the light of day. but itâs never james that catches keithâs eye and shiro never even looks up but somehow he shifts to the side even before keith takes a seat on the arm of his chair, their conversation already halfway complete from what james assumes is a telepathic connection that had started when keith was still down the hall.
james canât compete with shiro. even when, past what the rest of the world sees ( and james only sees it because heâs looking so damned close at keith and wherever keith is, so is shiro ) that shiro is not quite as perfect as he appears to be. his eyes are tired and sometimes his hand shakes. something his jaw ticks like heâs keeping back something  s n a p p y when someone tells him no, ( somehow he ends up getting his way regardless. ) james sees shiro staring off at nothing in particular and wonders what movie is playing in his head . . . if itâs a fantasy or a memory or just nothing at all. there are a lot of thousand yard stares around the garrison base, but shiroâs seems to go on for miles and miles and miles.
sometimes james wants to shoot his shot with keith and have it shot down because rejection might be better than this indifference.