Diary ng Medyo Tanga

*dramatically opens 2006 flip phone*

Malungkot kapag mag-isa. Magastos naman kapag may kasama.

I have never loved anyone like this before,“ I confessed to him. He just looked at me straight into my soul and said, “I have never loved like this either baby. I have never felt like I can’t breathe without someone. I only felt this with you.

Honestly, a small part of me still hopes that one day, you’re going to come knocking at my door asking for another chance. My friends tell me that it is impossible, that you have already found someone that would take my place. They tell me that instead of hoping for something that seems like an unreachable dream, I should move on and opt for something real. I am still trying to take a grip of myself and my thoughts. I am trying to move on. But I can’t deny the fact that every time I think of you, there’s that faint hope inside my heart which my mind is struggling to put out; that distinct faith which allows me to let you go for now because I believe that someday, against all odds, we are going to have our second chance.

You know very well that sooner or later, he’s going to hurt you. But still, you took the risk, counting on that faint hope that he wouldn’t.

Happiness is when you drink the vodka without trying to drown your memories. Happiness is when your phone vibrates and your heart doesn’t drop three stories into your stomach or get caught in your throat because you hope it’s them texting you. Happiness is the first night you don’t stay up until 2am thinking back to every sweet nothing they whispered in your ear and questioning how someone could say all of that and still leave. Happiness is the result of realizing that their presence is not essential to your survival. Happiness is remembering that you are enough.

Hearts are wild creatures. It overpowers your mind’s control over your body. It transforms into varied series of adjectives and verbs mirroring your soul. And no matter how you try so hard to hide shit behind your shadows, everything shows. From the blink of your eyes when he passed by, to your mini heart attack when you heard his voice from behind, to your sweaty palms when both of you got stuck in the elevator, to the struggle in your voice when you found out he’s in love with someone else, to the teary eyes when you realized you have to let go. Your soul shows. Your heart takes over.

i. You wake up in the middle of the night thinking you’ve just been saved from that very bad dream only to realize that you are still living in a nightmare. ii. You see other couples holding hands or just staring into each other’s eyes or doing cute stuff together and you look at your empty hands and see no one beside you to do cute stuff with and you realize that you really are so alone. iii. When people ask you about how are you and you cannot even nod or say the word okay. iv. When people ask you about him and remark that they have not seen you together lately and all you want is to just slap them in the face or punch them in the gut for adding insult to your wounds unintentionally. v. You pass by the places you hang out together and think sadly to yourself that it will take you a very long time to not hurt every time you see those places where you have made a lot of memories. vi. You look at your phone and noticed how silent it has been all day and it just dawned on you that you won’t get those cute texts and lengthy calls and late night conversations with him anymore. vii. When you see him in every corner of your room and all you want is to pull him out of your mind and make him real. viii. You want him back. You wish and hope and pray for him to come back.

Be happy. Even if the only thing that makes you happy is your morning tea. Live for that morning tea intake. Make it marvelous. Get excited about it. Buy mugs, buy a tea maker, buy a massive stock of teas so you can have an endless variety. Maybe learn how to make it, open up a tea business. Let that small happiness, whatever it is, become your passion. It’s what will keep you alive.