Onomatopoeia Express

I need to relieve this suicidal ideation pressure in my mind but I don't know how. I know it'll pass and blah blah blah but it really fucking sucks to feel this way.

I'm so tired of this shit, why can't I just be normal?

Hear me out. I am definitely an introvert and I have a lot of trust issues from abusive relationships, depression, anxiety, etc.

The thought of going to a structured event that I don't have to go to is just a big fat nope.

Like stuff at work to build rapport, the pot luck pitch in my church has once a month, just no. I did go to the pitch in once to drop off a customer's pot pie order and got roped into staying and it sucked. I felt panicky and couldn't wait to leave.

From a smart business perspective I could go there once a month and bring something homemade that would knock people's tits off and maybe gain me some more customers, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

The medical transport people called me back just now and told me the earliest they pick up is 8:30. They only charge $4 each way which is great, but also if you're put under for the surgery they can't take you unless you have a representative with you. And they can only drop you back home, not help you in the house or anything.