My Writings

I never know how to feel about you. Half the time you’re my saving grace, the other half you’re the cannon ball dragging me into the ocean. I’m so filled with emotion that it overloads me. I fell like I’m exploding with feelings of emptiness. I want to write but there's too much to write about. Side one: I despise you, you’re making my life hell and I want you out of it. You’re a sack of shit that reeks of lies and distrust and manipulation that you I can smell from 244.2 miles away. 

What did you think of when you went to the ocean for the first time?

I don't think I'll ever feel good again.

Everything she has given me is warm. Scarves sweaters, leggings boots, beautiful artwork, and a fuzzy feeling in my heart. So I cover myself in it. It’s a sad substitute for her, but it’s the best I have now. I cover myself in all she has given me to try and comfort myself. I hate myself. I hate myself for driving everyone away. And I always do, eventually. People can’t handle me. I’m far too much. Everyone always ends up drained. I’m sad now. At least when I’m sad I’m less annoying. Less intense. Less. 

     I hate you. I want you to leave me alone. Every time I try to show you something that excites me, you look at me like I’m the scum of the earth. Like I’m the most infernal, idiotic, annoying person ever to tarnish your presence. I hate that look. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to curl into a ball and stop existing until you are long dead. You and everyone like you. Everyone who will ever look at me like I’m the scum of the Earth. I thought you were my best friend. I though best friends were supposed to lift each other up! Not tear each other down! I want you to leave me alone. I never want to speak to you again. You fill up my entire life with sadness. You make me want to die.

     I think having ADD is a blessing and a curse. Both of which, more than people know. It’s curses include inability to focus and such evil easy boredom. My inability to keep still leave me switching from task to task with breakneck speed, that is until I find a task the captures my interest. At which point I am able to spend hours on this one task. It takes me hours to start my homework, then when I do I can’t focus on it for long. Inevitably falling down some Buzzfeed or Instagram click hole. I can’t focus and focus to much at the same time. And the moving. I’m so constantly in motion especially when trying to concentrate. Even as I write this I’m bouncing up and down. Bouncing, pacing, taping, I always have to have something to do. I’ve tried Rubik’s cubes and smiles and knitting and doodling and taping and bouncing my leg and coffee and meditation, but as per usual, I can never stick to one thing for long. At times it makes me feel hopeless, broken, useless. Like I’ll never be able to do anything right. To top it all off the lack of understanding makes me appear lazy and selfish, and makes it even harder to live and cope with

My heart is heavy. It’s strange how in the wake of sadness, there does seem to be this terrible weight in one’s chest.