Ask Miriam

Scrapped Plans

Thankful he wasn’t trying to deny reality, she decided to actually try to think of something instead of wallowing. “You’re very kind… Taking care of a woman you don’t know who needed help.” And still needs help, honestly. “You made sure I was fed… Maybe I could cook you something? I know I’m not quite right in the head right now, but I should be fine as long as I have the recipe in front of me.”

“Well, as long as you’re safe. Come on, let’s see how you’re furnished along the lines of kitchen appliances. Then we’ll go shopping.” He lead her to the kitchen, stumbling into the wrong room a few times along the way. “You know what would make anyone feel better? Chocolate chip cookies. It’s scientifically proven and everything.”

She wiped her eyes and followed after him. At the mention of cookies being scientifically proven to make people feel better, she couldn’t help but giggle. The kitchen was empty, just like the rest of her home. She rubbed her arm, looking down. “What was I thinking... buying this place?”

Partners

“Good. I like older music.” She busied herself browsing around on her computer, doing nothing of importance. Her playlist continued playing, going through songs by Strawberry Alarm Clock, The Beatles, The Who, and the like.

In the ensuing lack of conversation, Mary looked around the room, taking in the small details. Without realizing, her feet started tapping on the edge of the couch she’d taken a seat in. Not quite a nervous habit, but something she did when her mind was preoccupied.

Miriam glanced to her at the sound of the slight tapping. The motion reminded her of something a child would do. She supposed it had to do with her size. Miriam knew she should leave the woman be, but the relative silence was getting a bit awkward. “You feeling alright?”

Scrapped Plans

“Adoption agencies want to give their children to loving families. I can’t give them that. No one will ever love me, just like I’ve always been told. My family loves me out of obligation and the children I looked after? They loved me out of innocence. I can’t work with children ever again. It will only remind me of what I can never have. I tried. I couldn’t take it. I can’t be around my family and children. It only reminds me of my failure and how I don’t deserve them.”

“That’s- uh, that’s rough.” Well, that was an understatement. The problem was he wasn’t sure how to reply. If he tried to contradict her, he’d just be shot down again. He knew people like that. He’d been people like that. “I’m sorry. Is there anything you’d like to do to take your mind off it?”

Thankful he wasn’t trying to deny reality, she decided to actually try to think of something instead of wallowing. “You’re very kind... Taking care of a woman you don’t know who needed help.” And still needs help, honestly. “You made sure I was fed... Maybe I could cook you something? I know I’m not quite right in the head right now, but I should be fine as long as I have the recipe in front of me.”

Scrapped Plans

“Endometriosis followed by ovariohysterectomy.” She sighed. “While some are terrified of the thought of having children, it’s all I ever wanted. And now I never will. And adoption is not an option for someone like me.” She expected him to scoff at such a thing. A woman in despair because she’s infertile? How cliche.

“You can’t adopt? Why?” Dean frowned. “I mean, there must be some way you can work with kids, even if you can’t have any.”

“Adoption agencies want to give their children to loving families. I can’t give them that. No one will ever love me, just like I’ve always been told. My family loves me out of obligation and the children I looked after? They loved me out of innocence. I can’t work with children ever again. It will only remind me of what I can never have. I tried. I couldn’t take it. I can’t be around my family and children. It only reminds me of my failure and how I don’t deserve them.”

Scrapped Plans

“Because I’m broken. I’m broken and cannot be fixed. I want to die. But I can’t do that to my parents. They love me more than anything. They shouldn’t, but they do. If I died… I don’t know what they’d do… So I left. I left and didn’t tell them where I was going. They may not know where I am, but they can hope; hope that I’m okay. But I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay then and I’m not okay now. I’ll never be okay. But maybe they will be. They’ll have hope so they’ll be okay. And then they’ll forget. They’ll forget their failure of a daughter and they’ll be happy. I don’t want anyone else caring about me. I’ll have to do the same thing all over again.”

“Broken? How? You’re not making sense.” He sat sideways, draping a hand over his leg. “What happened to make you think all that? Why would you run away from the people who love you most?”

“Endometriosis followed by ovariohysterectomy.” She sighed. “While some are terrified of the thought of having children, it’s all I ever wanted. And now I never will. And adoption is not an option for someone like me.” She expected him to scoff at such a thing. A woman in despair because she’s infertile? How cliche.

Scrapped Plans

She revealed her face a bit so she could take her glasses off. “…They already did…” She sighed and rested her chin on top of her knees, glasses hanging loosely from her fingers. “Do you really want to know why?”

“Yeah, sure.” He took her glasses and wiped them with the hem of his shirt. The material was soft enough he figured it would help. He handed them back and sat down on the dusty floor. “Why?”

“Because I’m broken. I’m broken and cannot be fixed. I want to die. But I can’t do that to my parents. They love me more than anything. They shouldn’t, but they do. If I died... I don’t know what they’d do... So I left. I left and didn’t tell them where I was going. They may not know where I am, but they can hope; hope that I’m okay. But I’m not okay. I wasn’t okay then and I’m not okay now. I’ll never be okay. But maybe they will be. They’ll have hope so they’ll be okay. And then they’ll forget. They’ll forget their failure of a daughter and they’ll be happy. I don’t want anyone else caring about me. I’ll have to do the same thing all over again.”

Scrapped Plans

She sobbed and hiccuped. face buried in her knees. She shook her head. “I’m not supposed to be close to anyone. I’m supposed to be alone. I’m supposed to be forgotten. Just forget me… please…” A bit more prodding should get the whole story out of her.

“Forget you? Why? Why would I need to forget you?” He knelt down next to her and wiped at her face with his coat sleeve. “Hey, you should take your glasses off for a second. They’re gonna get salt all over them.”

She revealed her face a bit so she could take her glasses off. “...They already did...” She sighed and rested her chin on top of her knees, glasses hanging loosely from her fingers. “Do you really want to know why?”

Scrapped Plans

“Just go away.” She sat on the floor and hung her head.

“I don’t really think I should do that. Hey, you know what? We should go get ice cream or something.”

She sobbed and hiccuped. face buried in her knees. She shook her head. “I’m not supposed to be close to anyone. I’m supposed to be alone. I’m supposed to be forgotten. Just forget me... please...” A bit more prodding should get the whole story out of her.

Scrapped Plans

“No.” She said simply.

“Uh-” he scratched his neck uncomfortably. “Can I help?”

“Just go away.” She sat on the floor and hung her head.