A Fortunately Titled Ask Blog

Sherlock: Well- that’s a bit rude to ask a total stranger.

John: Yeah, that’s…erm…private. He does blush an awful lot, though.

Sherlock: John!

John: What? It’s true.

Sherlock: Some things are better off secrets.

John: It’s not really a secret…

Sherlock: John.

Sherlock: …Hypothetically.

John: Well, you know- Oh, don’t give me that look, you arse, I wouldn’t be taking your name.

Sherlock: Well, us Holmes’ would take great joy in-

John: Nope, if anything, you’d take mine.

Sherlock: Sherlock Watson? Atrocious, my livelihood would be ruined.

John: Hyphenated?

Sherlock: I suppose. Sherlock Holmes-Watson.

John: Watson-Holmes!

Sherlock: Alphabetical order, John!

John: That doesn’t matter!

Sherlock: All right, then I’d keep my last name!

John: Probably when we first met.

Sherlock: It really went downhill from there.

John: No? I don’t think so-

Sherlock: That was your dating era.

John: Oh, so downhill for you.

Sherlock: I believe it was a bad time for both of us. But going to Angelo’s was…fun.

John: Fun? We were chasing a bloody serial murderer and I killed someone.

Sherlock: No.

John: That…oh my GOD, you mean ANDERSON? AND- HA-

Sherlock: …Despicable. Sickening. Twisted.

John: I’ll say! Hey, Sherlock, is that why you’re always so eager to go running to NSY? ‘Cause of your mate, Anderson?

Sherlock: You’d do well to remember that I solve murders for a living, and am more than capable of covering one up if the need were to arise-

John: Hm.

Sherlock: …Well.

John: I’ve never heard that one before! That’s- er, clever- that’s actually…uh, really funny, yeah-

Sherlock: It reassures your sexuality, does it not?

John: Oh, shut up, you nutter.

Sherlock: I’m not the Holmosexual here, John. The internet does not lie.

Sherlock: Well…

John: We’ve definitely…seen some.

Sherlock: …not excessively, of course.

John: It’s more like, we’ll get a link in a comment, we’ll go to this- what’s it called, Sherlock?

Sherlock: AO3, I believe.

John: Right, yeah, we’ll read a bit and if it’s not, like, explicit, then yeah, we’ll- er- yeah.

John: I scrolled through their whole blog…er…lots of Beauty and the Beast stuff, but nothing strictly illegal. Also, apparently they’re inactive now?

Sherlock: I don’t often indulge in-

John: Oh, shut up and tell them.

Sherlock: …Fine. The Maltese Falcon. Mycroft had me watch it when I was a boy to snap me out of my “unfortunate pirating phase.“ Sad to say that it worked.

John: He’s made me watch it six times. It’s bloody boring, it is.

Sherlock: Really? Well at least I don’t watch awful Bond films. How many are there? 8,000?

John: Best one, hands down, is Goldeneye.

Sherlock: Brosnan? I would have thought better of you. Statistically, with the gross earnings of each- the acting skills, however poor they may be…I’d prefer the Craig Bond. Or at least Connery.

Not too seriously of course. A light slap at best. But I would like to know (regardless of how boring normal is) if it is normal behaviour for parents to do that. I've been told it's not.

-KS

Sherlock: No.

John: Absolutely not! No! Sherlock: I know we’ve got a queue started, but I felt we ought to answer this now- and I agree with John.

John: I’d never hurt my daughter. Not even if she- if she trashed the flat or coloured on the walls.

Sherlock: Hurting a child for exhibiting what sound like neurodivergent or autistic behaviours is unacceptable, no matter how out of the norm said behaviour is. John: Fact is, violence teaches violence. Even if it’s just a light slap, its still teaching a kid that it’s okay to hit others when they seem weird or ‘not normal’.

John: Well, as I do most of the cooking around here-

Sherlock: -you can barely make tea properly-

John: -my mum taught me to make great chicken noodle soup.

Sherlock: Your mother taught you to make that? I suppose I thought it was boxed.

John: Well, it was the first thing that made me want to go into a field to take care of people, funny that.

Sherlock: I…see. Well, I’m quite good at most aspects of baking, as it is simply science. Cooking? Well…

Sherlock: Who’s ‘Greg’?

John: Sherlock…

Sherlock: Kidding! He’s the, erm…

John: Detective Inspector.

Sherlock: Right, yes! Him. Well, when’s his birthday?

John: Sherlock!

Sherlock: Today! I’m guessing. Most likely.

John: Probably get him some liquor. I dunno, alcohol? He’s a DI, probably goes through a lot.

Sherlock: Are you kidding yourself? Gavin hardly does a thing to warrant stress, those cogs are barely turning, no- Get him a black light for his bedroom, and a paternity test for his youngest daughter.

Sherlock: Well…I suppose I ought to congratulate you.

John: Yeah, er- sorry for the late reply, we’ve been swamped with cases and actually had to go across the world while chasing-

Sherlock: Not the point, but yes. Sincere apologies, etc. Either way, it’s always excellent to hear the result of one’s own good advice-

John: -and inflated ego-

Sherlock: -so I wish you and your new S/O luck. And, of course, we will be answering your most recent asks. In due time. Possibly in a few minutes while John makes tea.

John: Figured we’d catch up. Eventually. Sorry again, really. I’ll see if I can bring my laptop, or set up one of those…erm…queues while we’re away.

Sherlock: Wouldn’t want the blog to get stagnant. Of course, if you’ve got any other ideas for content, you’re welcome to send another ask.

John: Ugh. COVID. Right.

Sherlock: Vaccines and all, that helps. Definitely not as challenging as it was in the beginning.

John: He was bouncing off the bloody walls, and I mean- he just…going absolutely bonkers from lack of, erm-

Sherlock: Cases, stimuli, life itself!

John: Yeah, that- I almost strangled him a few times, actually, but it was good to- er- get to know him better.

Sherlock: Lack of dates were a blessing.

John: For you, of course.

Sherlock: Really?

John: Well…that’s…certainly…

Sherlock: …interesting.

John: Right. Yeah. Erm.

Sherlock: I wouldn’t really- are you serious? They make that?

John: People want to be with you? Like…in the literal sense?

John: Favourite things? Erm- right, uh, start physical, that’s the easiest.

Sherlock: Easiest?

John: Shut up. Er- I’d say cheekbones.

Sherlock: Imaginative.

John: Shut up. They’re- I dunno, appealing? Like, in a- you know, strictly platonic sense. You know?

Sherlock: Oh, I’m aware. I suppose I’ll have to say your eyes if I can’t say your vocal cords.

John: My eyes and not my-

Sherlock: You have heterochromia. Obviously. And the personality trait is your ability to listen. You’re a…mediocre listener. At best.

John: Thanks, mate.

Sherlock: “Mate.”

John: Best personality trait of yours is your kindness.

Sherlock: I’m not kind.

John: Yes, yes, you are. You don’t realise it, but you’re damn well near the kindest person I know.

They're really good fics

John: Why…would I read fanfiction about myself? That’s a bit odd, no?

Sherlock: As long as you avoid the weird ones, they can be fairly interesting.

John: What do you mean by weird ones, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Among the few I’ve read, there are ones that are called ‘Omegaverse’, and that’s…concerning. Ones where we’re played by actors named Benadryl Cabbagepatch and…M-something Freeman. Usually involving lots of sex.

John: Benadryl? What the hell are you talking about?

Sherlock: I didn’t finish reading it.

John: Anything not horribly scarring?

Sherlock: Lots of…erm…domestic ones.

I didn't answer. (I panicked I am so sorry.) And she thought the connection went away so she cut the call.

WHAT DO I DO? DID I DO THE WRONG THING? HAVE I HURT HER LIKE THE INCONSIDERATE FOOL I AM?

-KS

Sherlock: Ah, the old “go silent at the face of any sentiment” trick.

John: That’s not a- nevermind.

Sherlock: Either way, I don’t think you did the wrong thing. A simple apology text should suffice (or, in your case, should have sufficed).

John: Probably didn’t hurt her, either.

Sherlock: Bad connections happen all the time.

John: Like when I call you to pick up milk at Tesco’s and you crinkle paper in your mobile to make it sound like it’s a bad connection?