ask casa de feral asshole

What’s that you have there, Matt?

Mm. It is.

It’s what? Can I see?

Mm. Yes.

Foggy?

What?

Matt wrote something in Braille.

So?

I can’t read it.

How about you learn how?

If you’d rather I spend my time learning a new alphabet than fix the apartment, sure, I can do that.

Okay, well, you got a point. Lemme see.

Is it something dirty?

No. It says Merry Christmas. Might need some work on the spelling, but, uh... wait. Is it Christmas?

Yes.

How do you know, Matt?

I know. I count.

You counted the days?

Yes.

Okay. Cool. No, not cool. I don’t have presents.

Is okay, Foggy. I have.

But that’s not how it works. Everyone is supposed to give someone something.

You can cook us a really nice meal, how about that?

Wait, you have presents, too?

I might.

Oh, great. I’ve been ganged up upon.

Relax, Foggy. It’s not like we conspired.

Foggy, you cook. Will be fine. I will find... mm. Foods. Will be amazebing.

All right. Christmas dinner’s on me then, I guess.

Come on, Matt, you can do better than that.

Mm. Foggy, what is you make?

Okay, not quite, but I’ll take it. I’m making a little something. It’s someone’s birthday today.

Who?

It’s, uh… it’s our creator. In a way. She’s… You know what, it’s really hard to explain, and now we’re getting into the territory of meta-gaming, and I’m not sure if that’s where we should be going.

Med-gain?

Yeah, like when you play an RPG, and you let the actual world affect the game.

Ar-pee, what is this?

Have you ever heard of Dungeons & Dragons?

Mm. No.

It’s a game where you build a fictional fantasy character, and then you meet with a group of other people who have fantasy characters, and there’s a game master who tells a story of what the fantasy characters are doing, and you pretend you’re in this world with your character and do stuff there. As your character. Like real adventures and puzzles and fighting monsters.

Foggy, I think Matt’s eyes just went really wide. You know, figuratively speaking.

Foggy, why not?

What?

We not play, why? I want to.

Well, first of all, we’re just three people. It’s more fun when it’s a bigger group. Second of all, there’s a shitton of rules. Like how you fight, and how the weapons work, and what magic spells you can use. You can’t just make that stuff up out of the air.

Rules are in book?

Yeah.

It’s called the Player’s Handbook.

Wait, you played D&D?

Yeah, like a million years ago.

Playbook, I will find.

You know what, Matt? Let’s go out together. I bet there used to be a few game stores in Brooklyn, and it’s not something that would be high on the raiding list. We can probably find a Player’s Handbook or two.

Yes, Karen!

Well, we’ll still need a game master.

I’d be willing to give that a shot.

Really?

Yeah. You don’t trust me to do it?

No. God, no. That’d be awesome, actually. Now I’m excited, too. I think I’m gonna make a Half-orc Barbarian.

Foggy, you’d be a total Dwarf Cleric. Or a Human Bard. Matt could be… hm. A Tiefling Rogue?

Ling Ro, what is this?

Okay, I think we have some explaining to do. We better block the afternoon.

We need the handbook first.

Well, Matt, there’s your next mission.

Okay. Karen. We go. Now. Bye, Foggy. Later, see.

-----------------

Whoever asked about the blind feral photography, here’s a few prime examples. We wish Matt had actually brought the magnetic poetry set home, but he had no idea what we were even trying to explain to him.

Yes. A whole phone gallery full of blurry, askew, or unidentifiable objects or locations.

Yes. Is big. Round.

He’s making gestures in the air with his hands.

This, Foggy.

You’re not talking about the Ferris Wheel again, are you?

Mm. Yes.

Admittedly, having one of those in our back yard would be kinda cool.

We can have?

No.

Another question about the cat...and we can barely feed ourselves. How are we supposed to feed a pet?

Dude, this person just said she obviously feeds herself. It'd be like a...stinky, hairy, tiny Matt.

So...Matt.

Don't be silly. Matt isn't tiny.

Mgh?

Great, you woke him up.

You woke him up!

What. You talk.

Wrong ord--

'Bout.

I think you mean, 'What are you talking about', Matt.

What are you talking about.

Whoa! Nice job. And you just woke up.

[Unintelligible]

Beginner's luck, then...anyway, the cat.

Cat?

You know. The one from the subway. Milla.

Mm. I know this. Milla shake.

No, that was a purr, not a shake, Matt. I just told you the other day.

Purr.

Uh-huh. Hold on, Karen, I just thought of a very important question.

What?

Do ferals purr?

The fuck should I know?

You seem to know the most about them!

Oh, get fucked, Foggy.

I wish I could!

Foggy, Karen. Stop. We talk. Milla. Attention, pay. I want.

Shut up, Karen, he wants us to pay attention. Yes, Matt?

Milla. I want.

Well...I think you'd have to find her first.

Will not fol--foll--follow. Follow. Can't find.

Have you been looking?

Yes. I look. I smell. Can't find.

It's been a long time since then...she could have moved on to another place, with more food than these old subway tunnels have to offer.

Or an alien found her.

No!

Shut up, Karen.

No! Not dead. Can't smell.

If you found her again, Matt, you would bring her home if she wanted to go with you, wouldn't you?

Yes.

I guess that cinches it then. Official post. Official notification. Milla voluntarily turns back up, we're gonna let her stay here. Until she pees on my clothes. Then she can live in the garage.

Milla.

Huh? What are you talking about?

Tumble, they ask Milla.

Who is Milla?

Foggyyy. Blind cat!

Oh. Yeah. Sorry. What did they want to know?

They ask she follow me.

And did she?

No.

Have you seen her since that time?

Yes.

And?

She is fine. She like the sun, warm. Like me. She vibrate.

It’s called purring. Didn’t we explain that?

She purry.

She purs.

Whatever.

Did you just ‘whatever’ me?

I did.

Matt, listen to this. Now they want a hug from me.

No.

Why?

Mine.

Come on, we can all share.

No. Mine.

Dude, you’re a serious piece of work, you know that?

I share coffee.

You don’t even like coffee.

Yes. Is why I share.

That’s not how you make friends in the apocalypse, Matt. Also, we should thank this person. They’re saying really nice things about us.

Thank you, pers.

Matt, there's someone here who wants you to hug them because they're feeling bad about all the shit that the apocalypse has put us through.

Mm.

Mm what?

Mm. No.

No, you don't want to hug them?

I not know these person. Can I hug you?

You can, but that kinda defeats the purpose.

Can I hug Karen?

You can certainly try, if you're prepared to end up with a nice little shiner and a knee to the groin.

Shiner, what is this?

A black eye.

Mm. My eyes do not work.

Yeah, I know. But it'll still hurt if she punches you in the face. Also, shiners don't generally have an impact on your eyesight. Unless you get punched super hard. Which Karen is definitely capable of, so I'd be careful if I were you.

I will don't hug Karen.

Not always easy to track what day it is, but, yeah, we totally do something special on birthdays. Like, uh...

Decent coffee.

Ugh.

Yeah, Matt’s not too big on coffee.

Capcate.

When have we ever had cupcakes, dude?

I want to try.

Don’t we all?

We could try to make some.

Oh yeah? With what?

I don’t know. Apple sauce...?

With what oven?

We’ll figure something out. I’d love for Matt to get an actual birthday cake next year.

Well, at least we’ll have something to work towards. And better presents.

Foggy, you not like?

No, no, I love the Obama head chia pet. Now, if we could only find actual seeds to grow on it.

I am looking. Always.

I know you are. I’m not blaming you personally for the crapfest that is the post-apocalypse, you know?

I know. I will look oven.

Can you also look for electricity?

Mm. How I find?

You don’t.

Matt, Foggy’s being an ass. You can’t actually find electricity, okay?

Didn’t they have wood-fired ovens back in the day?

You know, maybe we could build a barbecue grill in the yard.

Matt, hey, we got another question for you. They wanna know if you have a favorite spot in your territory that you love to go to.

Yes. This.

You mean the apartment?

Yes. You are here. It is safe.

Well, they specifically said a place other than the apartment.

Mm.

Is that a yes or a no?

I think it’s a no.

Matt?

No. ... Yes.

I revoke my statement. I think that’s a maybe.

Yes. He thought he was dying and nearly broke his ankle running home.

Mmmnh?

Yeah, I’m talking about you, Matt. When you got the hiccups and nearly gave yourself a panic attack.

Hiccers?

Hiccups. Remember, when you kept doing that fast breathing spasm?

Hunh?

Let me find my book.

...

...Okay, here it is. Hey, wake up. 'Synchronous diaphragmatic flutter, also known as hiccups. Involuntary contraction of the diaphragm.' It sounded like this...hic, hic, hic.

Remember. Hics.

Yes, hics. Karen got them once. You remember now? She was crying. Hey, no, don't look sad about it. She'll slap it right off your face if she catches you lookin' like that.

Mmmmn.

That's better. That's better. Anyway, the answer is yes. He nearly had a heart attack. Which is weird, because I thought fear was supposed to get rid of them.

Not fear.

I know. You aren't really afraid of anything. And we can't exactly sneak up on you to spook you, so...yeah. He had to wait. We all had to wait. Longest fifteen minutes of my life, good Lord.

...

...What? What's the matter?

...Mmf.

Stop thinking about Karen. You know she hates that. Get up and wander around. I could make something to eat.

Karen sad.

Not right now. Right now, she's working on her truck. She's fine. Buddy. You d--

You didn't tell me you were answering another question.

Ah, jeez, fuck! Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, Karen!

A high-quality microbrew that's been sitting in a stagnant pond for ten weeks. Kinda heady. Kinda sweet. Super gross.

You aren't gonna tell them how it stains everything?

I don't want to gross anyone out.

You already grossed everyone out!

Foggy, am not gross.

Don't gang up on me, Matt. You literally come two inches from drowning nightly because of your mouth. Twenty times worse when you're sick. It's a miracle we aren't all infected already.

...

Don't listen to him, Matt, he's just in a pissy mood today.

Mmf.

They asked an honest question and I gave them an honest answer. You smell. We all smell. This apartment fluctuates between fossilized milk and the B.O. of ten football teams on a daily basis. A little feral spit isn't going to change anything.

B.O., what is this?

Lift up your arm.  

Mn?

That. It's that.

Does not...not smell not good.

That doesn't stink to you?

Mm. No.

Right, 'cause you can't remember the smell of freshly baked cupcakes.

Capcate.

Cupcake. We've been through this. It's cupcake.

I want.

We all want.

Foggy, not. Talk good.

You're flipping me shit for repeating you?

Yes.

You need to be a good model for speech, Foggy.

Oh, my God. I'm losing my mind.

I mean, we've seen a few, right. Wasn't there a deer?

Wasn't there a dog?

A dog? Where?

At the shelter.

When?

Uh...twenty-five weeks ago.

...That's a...weirdly specific date.

It was--that was when...Matt turned, all right?

...Oh.  Shit.

Yeah.

...All right. Fine. Let me think.

There was a dog, right? It bit Matt. Right here.

I thought that was from a feral. A...tiny feral.

Are there children ferals? ...No, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Yes, and too bad, now you know.

Ugh...thanks. Now I can have nightmares about that. Anyway, that's the only dog I know about. He said it was a big one. I didn't think there were going to be many toy poodles around.

It was a cocker spaniel.

...That's the biggest of the spaniels, right?

Nope.

It has to be the biggest dog breed ever. Matt said so.

About thirty pounds.

Oh my god. He got his ass whupped by a purse dog. [laughing] I wish he hadn't forgotten so I could rub it in his face.

Seen any other animals? Bugs?

Uh. Cockroaches. It looks like the myth about them surviving the end of the world wasn't really a myth. They were all over the place at the old apartment.

Gross.

Matt used to listen to them all the time. I mean, I'm sure he still does, but...

But what?

...I dunno, I just...miss him sometimes. It was a stupid silly game we did, betting on how many were out in the street. Pretty sure he cheated the whole time, but that's okay. All I wanted was the interaction.

You know, you could still do that. You taught him to count.

It's not the same.

Don't lock him out for something he can't remember. He won't understand.

...Isn't that something I should be telling you?

...

...Thought so. Any other animals?

Just the dead poodle on your head.