Polygamy: Is One Not Enough?
The term ‘polygamy’ has always carried a bad connotation for many, especially for non-Muslims. But does it really deserve the bad reputation it is receiving? Polygamy refers to the practice of having more than one spouse. That being said, the proper term for a man who has more than one wife is called “polygyny” whereas “polyandry” is when a woman has multiple husbands. A typical reaction to polygamy would be rejection from women and acceptance from men. However, objectively speaking we need to reconsider and reanalyse the wisdom behind this issue.
In surah An-Nisa’ verse 3 Allah said:
وَاِنۡ خِفۡتُمۡ اَلَّا تُقۡسِطُوۡا فِى الۡيَتٰمٰى فَانْكِحُوۡا مَا طَابَ لَـكُمۡ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ مَثۡنٰى وَثُلٰثَ وَرُبٰعَ ۚ فَاِنۡ خِفۡتُمۡ اَلَّا تَعۡدِلُوۡا فَوَاحِدَةً اَوۡ مَا مَلَـكَتۡ اَيۡمَانُكُمۡ ؕ ذٰ لِكَ اَدۡنٰٓى اَلَّا تَعُوۡلُوۡا
If you fear that you might not treat the orphans justly, then marry the women that seem good to you: two, or three, or four. If you fear that you will not be able to treat them justly, then marry (only) one, or marry from among those whom your right hands possess. This will make it more likely that you will avoid injustice. (4:3)
If we were to look back the narrative behind the revelation was about a man who had a female orphan under his guardianship. It was narrated that men tended to marry orphan girls who were under their guardianship out of consideration for either their property, beauty or because they thought they would be able to treat them according to their whims, as they had no one to protect them. After marriage such men sometimes committed excesses against these girls. It is in this context that the Muslims are told that if they fear they will not be able to do justice to the orphan girls, then they should marry other girls whom they like.
Here, Allah has stated the main condition for one to be allowed a polygamous marriage. Which is being just. The question here is, can men be just?
وَلَنۡ تَسۡتَطِيۡعُوۡۤا اَنۡ تَعۡدِلُوۡا بَيۡنَ النِّسَآءِ وَلَوۡ حَرَصۡتُمۡ فَلَا تَمِيۡلُوۡا كُلَّ الۡمَيۡلِ فَتَذَرُوۡهَا كَالۡمُعَلَّقَةِ ؕ وَاِنۡ تُصۡلِحُوۡا وَتَتَّقُوۡا فَاِنَّ اللّٰهَ كَانَ غَفُوۡرًا رَّحِيۡمًا
The phrase “ لَنۡ تَسۡتَطِيۡعُوۡۤا” means forever so to simply put, men can never be just.
So why did Islam allow polygamy?
Before Islam came, polygamy has already existed and it was a practice during the times of Jahiliyyah. However women were not given their rights. Therefore Islam came to legislate polygamy and to put the conditions and limitations for the good of men so that women’s rights are granted and they are put in their proper places as wives.
Now, if we were to look at the western perspective, marriage is a monogamous union between a man and a woman or between two individuals of the same sex. The definition has always remain until now as they believe that it is against women’s rights to equality if a man is allowed to marry more than one wife. It is the principle of having the same number of spouse for each gender. Which means that men are allowed to marry the same number of women as how a woman can marry only one man. They also see it as a problem with polygamy being an abusive relationship with women not being treated fairly, a common misconception that brings polygamy down. The westerns however recognise cohabitation which does not cover legal rights. Comparing this to a recognised marriage, this means that by having legal rights women is protected. Being in a a legal relationship means that you can have protection when something unfortunate happens and this is highly recommended.
Some countries differ greatly in culture, for example, polygamy may be a norm, or perhaps it is even viewed as a disgrace for a man to have only one wife. Another such example is that one has to be married to four wives and portray his just to them, as a prerequisite for being an Imam.
In the end, there are always two extremes with regards to everything. The one group that totally rejects polygamy and the other that imposes it. Ultimately even if rejection is palpable, the authority of polygamy is in the Qur’an. However the perception of it can be changed. To be able to achieve this depends on the men for sure. Women’s rejection has always been because of men’s own fault with the biggest flaw being not following the prophet’s Sunnah.
Finally our two lovely speakers gave an advice to those who are keen to practice polygamy. The first thing is to ask yourself if you can be just. Know that marriage is a sacred thing and that death will not separate you and your spouse because you’ll meet again in the future. So when you marry make that intention to plan for the hereafter together. A practical tip for all the men out there is to be aware that one of the problems leading to rejection from their wives is that he has been communicating with the other woman that he intends to marry. Instead he should show more love toward his first wife and at the same time make dua and wake up for qiyamullail. It’s these actions that will open up their hearts to accept being in a polygamous marriage insyaAllah. Remember that it is very difficult for men to be just because actions are always a reflection of what’s in the heart but know that the Prophet s.a.w himself love Sayyidina Aisha r.a more than his other wives. What matters is your external and physical action that should always be fair to all your wives, for the feeling of love is a gift from God.
A prayer that the prophet always read “اللهم هذا فعلي فيما أملك، فلا تلمني فيما تملك ولا أملك” which means: “Oh Allah, I've done my part that is within my control (to be just externally), so don’t judge me with something that is within your control, not mine (to be just emotionally)” A word for the women from Dr Nora is that if the husband is near-perfect and have no major flaws, if God wills, he will most likely not be irresponsible and should be given a chance. Even if we disagree we have to try to not be selfish and try to work things out because the authority itself comes from the Quran. One of the solution to being fair is when the wives have tolerance between them. The key is to never cease communication with each other, lest the love might diminish.
Polygamy is for solving problems, not creating them. It has always been viewed negatively by society in a context where monogamous relationship is a norm due to men’s selfishness and mistake of not practicing polygamy in the correct way. When Allah allows something, it is for the good of everyone and this is called rahmah thus to bring protection for the women. Allah says اَلرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُوۡنَ عَلَى النِّسَآءِ and the word “ قَوَّامُوۡنَ “ here indicates responsible and NOT superior. May Allah make us among those who practice the religion in it’s best measures.