IVF got to figure this out

Well it’s official, we’re being induced on Sunday, December 8th assuming nothing wonky happens between now and then. I’m going to have this little baby in my arms at this time next week. How crazy is that? All the morning sickness, back pain, swollen fingers and toes, cramps, kicks, and amazement of it all is coming to an end. 

They’re saying Owen is going to be about 8lbs... Yikes! We’ll see how that plays out. I’m so anxious, terrified, excited, elated, etc all at the same time. Watching my husband go into project mode to get ready for this little babies arrival is the sexiest thing too. That man.... let me tell you, did i hit the lottery with him. 

We found out our little blob, has graduated from blob status.. is now a full blown fetus. We also found out the little blob is a baby boy who we’re naming Owen. We had the NIPT screening done which is basically some blood work they need to mail out to a specialized lab. The blood work shows you the likelihood the baby has down syndrome and a few other chromosomal issues and then theres an ultrasound to determine the same. Well the benefit of all of this, of course is piece of mine.. but also they can tell you the gender at roughly 10-12 weeks. So we got the piece of paper, both sat down on the couch after work.. made sure we were both in great moods because ya know… no one wants to open that unless you’re mentally ready to do so lol. And Woop there it is, you’re having a boy!

 This fact alone blew both our minds because all the symptoms we’ve read pointed to a little girl. Don’t get me wrong, my hubby is more than excited to teach this nugget football, sports, how to properly cut a lawn, how to fix things, and all the stuff that boys love… but I had totally wrapped my head around frilly girly dresses, showing her how to put on makeup.. the whole thing so it took us a brief moment to readjust.

 That night we sat down and picked out names. We were between Jackson, a name my mother originally wanted my niece to be if she was to be a boy… it kind of stuck with me as it was one of the last things my mom fixated on before she passed. Then we found Tristan and after reading my hubby a list of roughly 100 names…he also liked Owen. We decided to sleep on it.. and after reading just how popular Jackson was, and trying to figure out anything you could be made fun of with Tristan or Owen (I found Tris the Priss) we decided on Owen.

 Last weekend we had our Gender Reveal Party. Keith and I were so overwhelmed by the love and support of the 45 people who came. They brought so many little gifts for us to spoil this little man with that we weren’t expecting but were super thankful for. We had a “Touchdown or Tutu’s” theme which if you know Keith.. was absolutely perfect. It was of course out by the pool. Keith kicked a 10” long plastic football that exploded with blue powder while I had a powder cannon that when twisted exploded with blue powder. My father lost it… was crying and filled with emotion. I think he secretly wanted a boy but wouldn’t tell us. Going into the party, I was dead set on not saying the name. 45 people means 45 opinions and especially with my side of the family, opinions are given whether they’re asked for or not… and I knew there would be drinks flowing so the loose lips were definitely going to happen. Well my wonderful hubby apparently had other plans for the day. Everyone who asked me I said we were between names and not sure and I’d turn it around and ask them what they thought would be good. Keith? Oh he told everyone it was set in stone and if they wanted to know they’d need to ask me. Ya know, the one who ALWAYS usually gives into peer pressure. I held out till about 4pm when Lori (my super sweet sister-in-law) convinced me that if everyone took a shot (kids included) Keith and I would say the name. I thought my saving grace was telling her that if my dad (who NEVER drinks and defintately NEVER does shots) would do it… then fine. I thought for sure he’d say no. So she walked her sassy self over to Dad and told him the plan to which he didn’t even hesitate asking. Go Figure! So 45 shots poured later… we announced the name in front of all our guests. Both dad’s crying at “Owen Robert”, Owen’s middle name being named after both of them. It was the sweetest moment I’ve seen in a really long time. I’ll never forget it.

Morning Sickness – whoever termed it “Morning Sickness” is an asshat. It’s an all day thing. Don’t get me wrong, as weird as it sounds… I am thankful to feel like such crap lol.

 I wake up in the mornings, I’ll get about 30 minutes under my belt and then out of no where… whether I smell something, think of something, or ya know… the sky maybe blue that day… out of no where I just need to blow chunks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that bad. Right afterwards I’m fine and free to go about the day.

I can’t even find a word to sum up how amazing of a day yesterday was. We went into our RE appointment for a “viability scan” I was anxious all day. I woke up, had a heart felt convo with the hubby morning asking if he’s going to hate me if they find something wrong today. I’m pretty sure he’s convinced he married a loonatic at this point lol. 

All morning i stayed distracted at work and then it was time to go to the good old doctors. I have to tell you, the RE clinic... has become my home away from home. I don’t even have to say my name anymore... i know most of the workers by name and can tell you a fun fact about all of them. They truly are amazing people. 

Walked into the room and saw a small table with “tools” set up and had a quick panic moment but quickly found out that wasn’t for us (thank god). They had me undress from the waist down and then a few moments later in walked Dr. V with a nurse that i haven’t seen before. She asked how i was doing... told her i’m absolutely exhausted ALL THE TIME and she told me it’s totally normal. We got down to business, and began the transvaginal ultra-sound. Within seconds ... “here is your baby” i heard and i tried so hard to hold back tears. Without hesitation i asked if it was only one lol. She started looking around just to make sure... and then yup, only one little bean in there. She took some measurements and did her thing. Then she showed us the heartbeat. It’s the coolest thing. It’s the chambers of the heart moving back and forth... i was amazed. My husband was all smiles. She continued to probe around... and then told us the heart beat was 134 (holy crap right????). Then came the moment, she let us hear the heart beat... BOOM instant water works. I couldn’t keep it together. Almost 2 years of this nonsense all building up to this moment. 

We got a few pictures of our little blob lol and then came more business. She gave us what we have left for frozen embryos and then told us we graduated to the OB. Again, waterworks... i love the RE office. She gave me a hug and that was it. Can you believe it? 

The hubs and i had a little “Holy Crap” moment together... i got dressed and out into the hall we went. Gave the doc another well deserved hug and then we walked out to reception to hop on the elevator to leave. The receptionist asked how it went, told her went well then we talked about how we’re bummed we wont be back... she started crying.. i was ugly crying... it was something out of “this is us”. 

Well, after a full day of loosing my damn mind on Tuesday as they called nearly 2 hours after the normal time i hear from them... our Beta was 1177. We more than doubled!!!! I’m thru the moon exstatic. 

On top of that, i found out my best friend is also pregnant and although it’s way too early to have exact due dates (and let’s be honest... does it matter? they’re never on time) we’re actually a day apart. hahaha. 

Well we had two little embabies transferred back at the end of March. I was so nervous and anxious as the idea of twins both excites and terrifies me. Not because I don’t think we could handle it, but because of the increased health risks to me and the babies.

Well the first week I got by with no home pregnancy tests. Yay me!!! ( I have zero will power) then the Sunday after the transfer I caved and took a test in the morning. We had the faintest line and I was over the moon. Took another one Sunday night and the line was darker. Then I tested every morning for each day following up until the day of our Beta test… all consecutively darker. WHA-HOO.

Last Friday I went for the Beta test… knowing full well they were going to tell me it was positive. What scared the shit out of me was the idea of a curveball. The hubs and I have been thru this so many times that it’s what I anticipate now. I was anxious all day and then they finally called around 2pm. We had not only a pregnancy test, but the Beta level was 199.

I’m ecstatic and now terrified. We go back on Tuesday to make sure the HCG levels are doubling. This is the Beta that scares the crap out of me as we’ve yet to get by this one in the past. Something always comes up. I’m not sure I can handle another nightmare.

So far, no spotting, no sickness. Sore boobs tho fo shua! We’re sticking to the progesterone shots from hell and the Estrace till they tell me to come off of it. They also upped my thyroid med twice a week I take two pills… not sure why but I’m along for the roller coaster of a ride that is IVF.

The Scratch Test… the infamous scratch test. My doctor told me the whole reason for it was to “churn the soil before you plant the seeds”. Yea… nothing about that statement sounds like a good idea for my uterus. 3 failed cycles have resulted in a new tactic, this time in the form of a scratch test.

 I am a total control freak and as with anything I don’t know I googled every article, every blog, every chat forumn, all of it. What I came up with? Its hit or miss on the results but more importantly… it wasn’t that bad. So I read.

 Day of the test I go in, hubby is there for moral support and they put me into an everyday room they have at our clinic. I was so relieved not to see the “speculum” I refer to as the ‘duck clamps’ could it be… I was getting in and out of one of these appointments without those god damn things lol. There I sat nervous and anxious at the unknown but happy my own doctor was actually doing it. Well in walks our doctor with of course a student. One thing that goes out the window by the time you get thru a full cycle of IVF is your need for modesty. Feet  go in the stirrups and then she opens a drawer and outcomes the infamous duck clamps and BOOM my anxiety sky rockets. I had the assistant/student hold one leg while the hubs grabbed the other as your instinct is to close your legs. They went in with these long tong like looking things… and she warned me “you’ll feel some pressure” … Good god almighty was that the understatement of the week… I ended up biting my poor hubby out of pain. Next thing I knew it was over. Whole thing lasted a few moments… as did the pain. It’s not bad ladies I swear… and well worth it if it works this time around.

I can’t even begin to put into words my feelings about how this last cycle played out. After the first nightmare we went thru on the first cycle… (eptopic resulting in one of my tubes being removed on an emergency surgery), I am pretty even keeled when things are looking up because I know SO many things could go wrong. This time, I totally gave into the excitement. Seeing that second line FINALLY showing up on the pregnancy test, then the digital tests actually saying you’re unquestionably pregnant.. my husband I were talking about which gender we’d prefer but at the end of the day unconditionally love no matter what, what names we’d choose. We saw the future, we saw the dream, we were engrossed in hope. I promised myself I wouldn’t give in after the first cycle and there I was… like an idiot totally neglecting my gut feeling to wait for the final hand off of the OBGYN.

 So we go in for the beta, and I’m convinced this would be a small victory until it was about time to worry about the next thing. Well the call comes a few hours after the blood test and BOOM… “Ashley the good news, is the test was positive” (celebratory dance right? – wrong), “however your beta was only a level 16.. we like to see it 50 so we want you to be cautiously optimistic”. There I was, shattered yet again, and walking back into a meeting at work that I just left to take the call. It broke my husbands heart. That man… let me tell you… truly a saint. He’s always so cool calm and collected, but this time… as I called him and played the “what if” game (what if we can’t have kids, what if this never works, what if…) he snapped at me stating he couldn’t do it right now… he was too upset. If I wasn’t crushed already… I broke. In my head I did this to him, I let him down, my body failed, it was my fault.

 By the time I got home that night he was much better and I pretended to be.. key word pretended. He went to bed, I stayed up.. and there I was.. alone with my thoughts. Queue the tears, the sobs, the lack of ability to breath.. and I had already felt bad about upsetting him so there I was… a little after midnight, in my back yard, sitting on the cold concrete… bauling my eyes out… talking to the stars and my loved ones (I believe you can talk to them when the stars are out… don’t judge it helps me cope), asking why this is happening, what am I doing wrong, am I questioning the will of god, am I going against the plan and that’s the problem? Yup, all the crap they warn you not to even consider… flooded my head.

 So fast forward 2 days and I’m back for the second beta to confirm if it was viable pregnancy or not as they want to look at the HCG levels… and sure as the sky is blue.. went form 16 to less than 5 so there we were… crushed yet again. Although I already saw that one coming as I started bleeding on the day before.

Another cycle bites the dust, another dream down the toilet and another angel baby up there.

 Earlier in the week we also had what I like to call the “WTF” appointment. I warned my husband that I wasn’t emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc ready to sit down with the doctor and talk about what went wrong. I knew they wouldn’t be able to tell me anything concrete and I wasn’t ready to hear about the next test they’d run on me to tell me if something is wrong or new tactic they’d try to get the next cycle to work. I just couldn’t do it.

 But we went to the appointment anyway. My husband is an EXTREMELY logical thinker while I on the other hand tend to work off of instincts and emotions. He’s the ying to my yang for sure. Well of course we went in there and I asked what happened… of course no straight answer but more than likely chromosomal issues which if we want to screen for next time is 6k out of pocket and we’d have to do another fresh cycle that I’m not even ready to wrap my head around. Then there’s a test they can do, similar to the scratch test (which was also brought up) where they can tell you exactly what date to do the transfer on… the ultra sounds give you a visual but this test I guess “tests the soil to make sure the crops will grow” (the doctor referred to my uterus as a garden where the soil might need to be churned with a scratch test before they plant the seed). Weird right?

 We walked out of there… not with a concrete plan, but with options as I refused to sign anything as I wasn’t ready and due to insurance issues… we’d have to wait a few months to do anyway. My husband was optimistic and felt good about the conversation (let’s face it… they weren’t talking about churning any gardens, scratch tests, types of cycles, etc on him.. so maybe that’s why he took it better than me) but I was so incredibly overwhelmed as they threw a lot of info at us, all of which I wasn’t ready to hear. I’m still not ready. This cycle kicked my ass… my hope in a positive outcome was diminished. I know it’s going to work out in the end. And if IVF doesn’t… we have other options. But let’s face it ladies, when a woman has something in her mind set… and it doesn’t happen, some of us don’t take it that well. Especially when it’s the third time. Especially when EVERYONE who knew I was going thru this was doing the “3rd times the charm”. Especially when we went into this cycle thinking it’s our last shot of 2018. Especially when this is supposed to be a natural process, and it’s turned into anything but. Especially when it’s a dream you want so bad.

And just like that… another failed IVF cycle under my belt. Friday I had some spotting and by Saturday I had a full blown period so the blood test on Sunday was a waste of time but my poor hubby was holding on so hard to hope. Needless to say, we got the dreaded call around 2:30 stating the test was negative. Both the hubs and I are completely bummed out, frustrated, and feeling pretty broken.

 Today I had the infamous… what I call, the “WTF” appointment. The most frustrating part is, they can’t tell you exactly why things aren’t implanting, why things aren’t developing the way they should… nothing of actual clear cut… this is what were going to do different was discussed. Just another… well we’re going to run another sonohysterogram (ya know cus that’s always fun) and check your thyroid level, yet again. So annoying.