FATHER. WELDER. PUNK.

This just crossed my mind. I have spent a lot my life saying “I can’t wait til we are old and going X” from my ex wife, my siblings and pretty much everyone except my daughter. I know giving your kids your full attention is important and I gladly do. I just think I’ve back burned a lot of the other people by living for this day in the hypothetical future. I should try and be more present minded for people around.

I really thought I was stronger. I was hoping attending emo night on the anniversary of my brother passing would heal something in me. It kinda only amplified my feeling. They played a bunch of his favorite songs, he would have loved it. I ended up snipping at someone I really care about. I just couldn’t take “come on Zach you look miserable” or “just dance and stop being a bitch” I know I should have told them it was his passing date but I genuinely thought I’d be ok this year. The main reason I went to emo night was a good friend of mine has recently gone through a break up and she wanted me there to help her not be alone. I really wanted to be there for her I was just out of it. I gave it my all, the longest quietest car ride home. We said night and that’s it. It’s super late so maybe she was out of it. Hopefully we are cool but I can’t help but feel bad

Today I had my tarot cards done and I asked if i was making the right choices in love and work. It seemed to be torn down the middle. Mainly I’m still haunted by my past and that either I’m male toxicity or that I have a lot of male toxicity in my life. Both seem true regardless, I did get some good thing coming in the future whatever that means but all in all I’m where I need to be but there is work to be done. I think I’ve thought there was more than just early signs of new friends ship but I could be wrong. I’ve spent more time this year 1 on 1 with different women than I have in the last 4. Idk if it’s healthy but I really don’t know what I’m looking for. Somedays I want a partner an everything all the time but then some i just want someone to sit have a meal with. I like the freedom of being alone but also having option to go out. I vocalized some of my fears and seems like I’m not alone in the things that haunt me the most. I do know it’s been long enough to not be bothered by my past and I’ve come along way but those wounds still hurt sometime. She has moved on and I must too. And not that I’m waiting for her to come back it’s just I need to get past this feeling of not being enough. One day someone will see me for what i really am and not what I see myself as. That being said what a crazy start to the year

Yesterday my daughter (13) asked why her mom and me got divorced. I never dreaded this question more of just didn’t want to paint her mom in a bad light. So first I asked her what she thought happened, ash originally thought “that you left mom because she was always crying and you seemed fine” (I was a mess but I guess I really held it together in front of her) “then I over heard from nana and my cousin saying mom cheated on you and then it seemed like everyone would talk about but get quite around me” I replied “yeah that’s what happened but don’t think less of your mom. We went our separate ways and it was probably for the better. I went to therapy and lost weight and I get more time with you.” Ash face was a half smile then it got serous. Ash “it’s crazy how mom did that to you, only for that guy to cheat on her. She always paranoid about him. Do all your friends hate mom she says they do? Like my uncles and stuff”. “They arnt happy because they know it hurt me if im being honest but they all swore to me to not take it out on your mother because it’s not fair. James said he would never tattoo your mom again and most everyone said they help you only”. I told her “ please don’t be mad at your mom, she is your mom and I’m your dad. We didnt work out and maybe it’s for the better.” Ash “you never say anything bad about her. She always mad that I’m like you or I remind her of you. You never bad mouthed her but I know she does about you. Why?” Me “idk I just never wanted to say anything like that around you or had any reason to say it i guess?” Ash “I always hate how mom is cause she always plays the victim how she “not the fun parent or no one wants to be around her.” But She say the same thing about Albert though so I think it’s just her. She always like the sky is falling around her dad “ Ash seemed really quiet after that and we just sat there. I wasn’t sure what to say and ash just ended up giving me a big hug. I got choked up and even a little choked up typing this now. I put up these wall soo high for so long so ash wouldn’t know or see me down about this situation but now I feel like i can breath. I didn’t think I’d have this conversation with ash. Almost like I’d take it to my grave but I feel relieved, not because of how her mom is but that I don’t have this skeleton in my closet any more.

Despite really liking how I look, it still gets under my skin when I meet someone new or strangers look at me with judgement. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but it still fucks with my head bad.