- 27 5.11′s - will post photos when I send them! 

- 27 books (including: You are a Badass, Fuck Feelings, The Happiness of Pursuit (finished), How Yoga Works, My Life at the Limit, The Games Climbers Play, Desert Solitaire (re-read), American Buffalo, Arsenals of Folly, The Goldfinch, Benjamin Franklin’s bio, Rising Strong, What the Dog Saw, Sixty Meters to Anywhere, All of Peter Mayle’s novels (again), Salt Fat Acid Heat, Omnivore’s Dilemma, Rigor Mortis (finished) 

- swap coffee for tea

- reduce waste...currently working on how to reasonably quantify this

- drink water every day

- keep up the straight A’s in grad school 

- learn the baritone ukulele

I’ve read that humans carry our emotions in our hips. Sure enough, as soon as the therapist dug into mine all of the anxiety, sadness, and pain that I’ve carried for the last few months came to the surface. I laid on the table and cried silently; as the therapist broke up my hardened tissue, I began breaking down my hardened walls. 

“Let go, or be dragged.” - Zen Proverb

Weeeeeeeelp I did it. After 2.5 years at Ada Jenkins I gave my notice today. I feel relieved, and terrified, but mostly excited to wrap things up during this next month and then take a month off to breathe / climb / hike / generally dirtbag.  Trip thus far includes: 

A weekend backpacking with the ladies in the Appalachians 

A week at the New River Gorge. Goals include Satisfaction Guaranteed, Sheer Energy, Mr. Cute, Cross Eyed and Blind and mayyyybe hopping on Scenic Adult and not pooping my pants in fear. If someone wants to hang the draws that’d be great thanks

A week in Arkansas with my sister after her graduation. Goals include getting revenge on Crimp Scampi and  Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, then trying out Sonny Jim and  Love Slave. 

A weekend in Charleston with Nate, my new friend Rain and her boyfriend Cam,  eating and drinking all the things.  

A week riding shotgun with Rain in this monster truck / teardrop trailer on a Mountain Khaki marketing tour. I’ll wrap up my funemployment month in Chattanooga where I would really love to send Standing Room Only and Narcissism at Foster Falls. Hell yeah. 

“I am going to die. I am going to fall, the rock around that shitty placement is going to break, and my next piece is a good 15 feet down on a ledge. I’m not wearing a helmet and I am going to die”. This is what was going through my head today on a 5.6 trad climb - well below my physical ability, but for me climbing has always been a mental game. Gear, bolts, even top rope, it doesn’t matter. My mind wanders to the worst possible place and often, I allow healthy, rational fear to turn into irrational paralysis. 

Today felt like a failure after I bailed on this route and down climbed rather than trusting my gear to lower. I eventually got to where I couldn't down climb anymore, took on my gear, waited to go splat on the ground....and the cam held. So I guess I'm at least a little more solid than I thought. 

Here's to learning to trust myself and not to compare myself with this woman or that woman, whether that's out cragging on a weekend or trying to advance a career or simply being with a group of friends. I am enough. I am loved. I am defined by my character, and not this hobby that often makes me question my sanity. Failing is OK as long as you are willing to get back up there. 

Which I did.