ruthless heart ;

The Winter of the Witch . ( meme )

          ❛ tell them yourself. ❜ his words hadn’t meant to be harsh; but ended up that way regardless. Julian’s opinion on the Unseelie prince was somewhat difficult to explain, or even register. they’d been through a fair share together, and even formed an unexpected bond because of it. he’d despised him once–– not due to the lashes he and Emma had received, but mostly due to the way he betrayed Mark in the process. and though he didn’t fully understand their relationship, the last thing he wanted was to allow someone who’d broken his brother’s heart into their lives. 

          however, since then, Kieran had proven to be an asset; a friend, even. not that Julian would ever let his guard down around the other; he was cautious around anyone who wasn’t his family. yet, he knew the influence he had on Mark, and also, strangely enough, on Cristina. whether Julian liked it or not, he was a good addition to the family. which was why he now found himself being somewhat protective over the male fey; especially after what he’d been through at the Scholomance. 

The Winter of the Witch . ( meme )

          no, it wasn’t–– but he was fully aware of the consequences if he chose to say the words out loud. usually, lies and deception came easily to him; he’d been doing it for so long it should’ve been second nature at this point. yet, lying to emma had always proven to be a challenge. not because he wasn’t convincing enough, but merely the idea of it made his heart hurt. he could almost remember the feel of it twisting inside him in an unnatural way, ready to crumble at any given moment. 

          this time, however, he felt nothing.

          ❛ it’s what i’ve always wanted, emma. ❜ even he was surprised by the sheer coldness in his voice. what he said was partly true. being stripped of his love for her made him feel alive; as though he’d suddenly been given the freedom to be and say whatever he wanted. no, he hadn’t wanted to be apart from emma in the past; she was deeply embedded in him and always would be. but now, after what magnus had done to him, it felt like a brick wall had materialized itself between him and the old Julian–– the one who held a ferocious adoration for her and would’ve done anything to ensure their love prevailed. the new Julian however, knew in his very core: there was no breaking through that wall.

The Winter of the Witch . ( meme )

      the blonde was weary leaving julian alone with the seelie queen. she muttered unpleasant things under her breath while being escorted out by guards. the only peace of mind emma was left with was julian’s reassurance, but even that had left a hard lump to swallow. 

         what had only been a matter of minutes felt like h o u r s to her. emma kept wondering what the seelie queen had to say to julian that could not be said in front of her. did she not know that julian would tell his parabatai? they shared everything together and there were no secrets between the two. emma tried to tell herself that everything was okay — if it were not, she would feel it. laying back on the bed made the female realize how tired she truly was. they had done quite a bit of walking, not to mention the few bumps they’d encountered along the way. heavy lids shut for just a moment before she had emerged into a deep slumber. 

          ‘mmm, julian.’ she muttered under her breath when hearing the door inside of their bedroom chambers open. suddenly, the blonde felt his heavy body lunge on top of her. golden eyes snapped open in surprise — for a second she thought he had lost his damn mind, and was about to join him in what emma thought was an act of love & passion. however, reality quickly began to set in when rough hands wrapped around her throat. ‘julian, what the fu—’ a moment later she was gasping for air as his grip tightened. arms snaked through the tiny gap between his, breaking the choke hold he had on her before kicking her parabatai off of the bed. emma barely had any time to process what the hell was going on. ‘julian atticus blackthorn, you better have a damn good explanation for attacking me, before i kick your beautiful ass.’ her breathing was uneven as she stared into his eyes — the female’s fists were up, and she was in a fighting stance. however, all she wanted right now were answers.

          the blow to his stomach momentarily knocked the wind out of him and sent him rolling backwards to the ground; though he used the momentum to land back on his feet with the usual ease and grace he’d been taught. slowly, he lifted himself from a crouch, mirroring Emma’s stance. whatever it was she was saying, Julian didn’t have the time for it. he was eyeing her from head to toe, analyzing her movements and the likelihood that he would win in a fight to the death with no weapons. he had to admit his chances were slim; considering she would see every move of his coming a mile away, and vice-versa. no matter what the circumstances, they were still bonded. and though at a different time he would’ve enjoyed sparring with Emma until they ended up on the floor, on top of each other, grinning like madmen, this was an entirely different Julian.

          ❛ you want an explanation? ❜ a diversion; that’s how he would get to her. catch her off guard; use her emotions against her and then crush her until she crumbled to pieces. ❛ how about you being responsible for killing my sister? ❜ he spat out venomously; a look of utter disgust crossing his features. ❛ i had it under control with Annabel; if you hadn’t gotten involved my plan would’ve worked–– and Livvy would still be alive. ❜ 

       &  there it is  ,  the second shoe dropping and she wants to pull away from him  ,  to cause a scene and tell him that she’s so tired of being hurt by him  .  but the time for explosive heartbreak is over and she’s finally given into the silent suffering that she had become so accustomed to  .  finding refuge in the arms of other lovers who never lasted long because they weren’t them  ,  being called a tease and a flirt for never being able to follow through on intimacy because nobodys hands made her feel quite as safe as his did  .  he was her julian  &  she was at this point where she’d be his even if she had traveled to the other end of the world  ,  even if she had tried to run away from him  .

       but the heartache was too much  ,  her heart couldn’t handle this constantly  .  ‘  you have to stop being selfish  ,  you cannot keep me around  &  tell me that you love me and then keep pulling away from me  .  I don’t know how many times  —  Julian  ,  i’m not asking for marriage  …  ‘  she started  ,  her comment maybe making him think that that was what she was asking for  ,  but truly all she wanted to know was that he was hers  ,  and that she could be his until the day they both no longer walked the earth  .  ‘  i just want to know that no matter what i’m always going to have you  &  not in this half assed way of us loving each other but running from one another at the same time  .  because if this is how it’s going to be  —  i’d rather see Magnus Bane  &  beg him to rid me of these memories  .  ‘

      she never wanted to lose Julian  &  she never would  ,  but she had to let him know how serious she was about this  ,  how she would do anything for him  &  how she would do anything to make this easier on them  .  ‘  I think that you are thinking too much into it  ,  trying to make everyone else around you happy except for us  .  you refuse to allow yourself to be happy even a little bit because you fear you are letting everyone else around you down  .  ‘  her hand doesn’t pull away from the grip he has on hers against his chest  ,  other hand coming up to rub furiously at her eyes for tears had now spilled over  .  ‘  you’re the one who had said  ,  when you love someone  ,  they become a part of who you are  .  They’re in everything you do  .  you’re in everything I am  ,  Jules  .  I don’t go a single day without feeling like i’m missing a part of myself  .  ‘

     she nods her head at his final comments  ,  asking if he had been alone in the way that he had been feeling  ,  and she had wanted to yell again  ,  wanted to tell him that he is putting too much pressure into it  .  ‘  your parents aren’t my parents  &  the kids are not in danger because i’m soul crushingly in love with you  .  I’m not a minor asking to slip into your bed at night just because you are cute  &  i’m lonely  ,  Julian Blackthorn  .  ‘  she now shakes her head  ,  lips pressing together as she takes in what he says about the Clave  ,  about how they won’t stand for it and she can’t help but laugh  ,  she can’t help but step forward and press her forehead to his chest to try and let the soothing sound of his heartbeat calm her down  .  ‘  pardon my language Jules  ,  but the Clave can go fuck themselves  .  they know nothing of love  ,  so they have no say in this  .  it’s the moment of truth  ,  we either go all in  ,  or i’m leaving  .  ‘

          there was nothing he wanted more than to give in to her words; to jump head first into the whirlwind of emotions that came with being in each other’s lives. and though Julian was impulsive in love, it was different where his family was concerned. it was too easy for him to imagine the worst; and to even convince himself that one day, another tragic event wouldn’t come to pass and bring utter destruction on his loved ones again. but what kind of life was it that he was living, then; where his days were lived in constant fear of something that had yet to occur? Davina was right in urging him to make a decision. it was the only way to stop the cycle of heartbreak between them. 

          at the end of the day, he knew, deep down, that he would ruin his whole life for her.

          ❛ you’re right, ❜ he admitted, sliding his thumb under her damp eyelashes. ❛ it’s better we endure this together than apart. ❜ the warmth he felt when she recited his words back to him, the covert smile that was brought onto his lips, was unlike anything he’d experienced in a long time. it was a sense of relief, but also validation, in a way, of what he had such trouble believing–– that his feelings mattered; that their love for one another surpassed any law that tried to get between them. he hooked his knuckles under her chin so she was peering up at him. for so long, he thought he’d imagined the gold specks in her ocean blues, and now, here she was again, flesh and blood, no longer just a dream. he wanted to burst open the doors to the rooftop and sing to the moon. ❛ stay with me, and we’ll figure this out together. ❜ 

          if he was being honest, Julian knew this wasn’t the end of it; that his concerns were fully valid. but he was determined to save them for a later time and deal with them as he always did–– on his own. he wouldn’t burden her with matters of the Clave, even though he knew there was a change coming; that he could already see the cracks forming from within; that even though the Consul and the Inquisitor had reason to support shadowhunter and downworlder relationships, there were others who’s voices seemed to be getting louder. when they did, Julian and Davina would be made an example of; they would call it incest and use it as an excuse to separate them.

          ‘ kill Emma Carstairs. ’ those had been the words whispered into his ear in a rather seductive manner by the Seelie Queen. if there hadn’t been any magic involved, he would’ve choked out a laugh and spat on her face. instead, his entire body had gone rigid while something that wasn’t Julian Blackthorn attempted to take complete control over his body. the transition wasn’t easy; Julian found himself fighting off this invisible force with everything he had. though, when his efforts proved futile, he gave out a slow, agonizing cry that hurt his very soul. and yet–– no sound came out of his mouth. instead, there was a devious smirk plastered on his lips, as though his inner struggle was utterly irrelevant.

          there was now only one thing on his mind; one desperate urge that he had, which he would stop at nothing to achieve–– and that was cold-blooded murder.

          it didn’t come as a shock when he heard the door mysteriously lock behind him. he knew the only way for it to unlock itself would be for him to complete the mission that was required of him by the queen. sea-green hues immediately darted to emma, who's chest rose and fell in her slumber. there she was; lying in the bed that had caused him so much anguish their first time in faerie. if things were different, he knew it would’ve been entirely impossible to keep his hands off of her. but now, none of that mattered.

    routine  ,  they’ve fallen into this a hundred times  ,  maybe more and it had pained her when the moment had passed  &  that is what she’s waiting for  .  his words hit her heart  ,  but not in a way that would injure her or to cause her any kind of pain  ,  but it made it swell  —  beat  .  as if for the first time in a year live had finally been breathed into her  ,  but she waited for that moment that the punch to the gut would hit her  &  he would distance himself again  .  routine  .

      davina can’t help the tears that come to her eyes  ,  eyelashes fluttering shut as they spill over  ,  small droplets hanging against the eyelashes as she opens them up to look at him  .  ‘  please tell me this isn’t just a moment of weakness  .  ‘  the pleading in her voice hanging between them  ,  the soft feeling of his nose brushing against hers causing her to feel like she was choking  ,  like she was anticipating him to pull away  &  to walk away from her  .  which in turn would cause her to do the same  ,  to leave the institute  &  to never look back again  .

    ‘  i can’t have it be just right now  ,  i need it always  —  forever  .  i want to have a love that put Jace and Clarys love to shame  ,  one that people can look at and believe that soulmates are real  .  ‘  her hand presses to his chest  ,  his heartbeat thrumming under her fingertips  ,  lips pressing to his once more  ,  firmer than it had been the first time  .  ‘  your love for me might be indestructible  ,  but my heart  ,  Julian  ,  isn’t  .  if you’re going to love me  ,  love me completely because this is torturous  &  i can’t go another day like that  .  ‘

        cerulean hues look hopefully over his face  ,  studying the features that she has memorized countless times  ,  the features that she had sketched more times than she could count in the secret little sketchbook under her mattress  .  waiting for some kind of promise that they could be happy again  ,  that they could be together  .  ‘  til death do us part  .  ‘

          hesitation –– that had been the norm with them from the moment they’d found out she’d been adopted by his parents. from then on their entire relationship had been filled with unspoken words and tiptoeing around feelings that no longer mattered. did they even still know how to be around each other in spite of all the lies that hung in the air? would she ever fully forgive him for deceiving her time after time and breaking both their hearts in the process?

           ❛ truth is, i just can’t let you go. ❜ he reached for a rogue strand of her hair and pushed it behind her ear. ❛ i’m sick of the lies, davina. i’ve gotten so good at pretending my feelings for you were never real i almost believed them myself. ❜ he wasn’t entirely sure if he was trying to justify his actions or simply ask for forgiveness; perhaps a bit of both. still, he was a long way away from being good enough for her, that much was clear. julian was fully aware that she deserved better, and yet, here he was; selfishly coming clean about his reckless need for her. ❛ but you’re trying to leave me and i don’t know what else to do to make you stay. ❜

❛ 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚢, 𝚒 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎’𝚜 𝚗𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚎. ❜  –  @artsandcoffee​

      knuckles are white as she is holding her bag over her shoulder  ,  not from the weight of the bag but by his words that he speaks  ,  how he is promising her something that she had wanted for over a year now  .  to by safe with him  ,  but she had felt nothing but heartache when it came to him  ,  how she had been so broken  &  empty  ,  watching the ghost of them moving through the halls  .  they say that time heals all wounds  ,  but time only makes hers more  &  it’s now infected  &  festering  .  she can’t breathe anymore  ,  she can’t eat  ,  sleep  .  is this what love feels like  ?  feeling like you can’t live without the other  ,  that you can’t feel anything but dread until they are back into your arms  ?  

      she used to be stronger when it came to julian  ,  she used to be able to hold herself together  &  to bite back at him when he had spoken like this to her  ,  but right now she’s too broken  &  too at a loss of words to argue with him  .  ‘  we live in this place where we think that love  &  loss going hand in hand is an acceptable place to exist  .  i wake up every morning with this broken heart  &  you say it’s because you want to respect your parents wishes  ,  that because they once took me in when i was younger that i’m considered family  .  ‘  she puts the bag down  &  steps towards him  ,  jaw setting as she looks over his features  ,  waiting for any kind of break in that perfect stoicism that he always had  .

    ‘  your parents never raised me  ,  i’ve never called them mom and dad  ,  my parents are a demon  &  an unmarked shadowhunter  .  ‘  she steps forward again  ,  arms that were crossed over her chest instinctively fall to her sides and she has to stop herself from reaching forward to take his hands in hers  .  ‘  if you can’t see that you denying yourself the ability to love someone and to be loved by them  ,  i don’t know how i am going to stay here  .  i want nothing more than to be loved by you j-julian  .  ‘  her voice cracks when his name slips from her lips and she has to swallow down the sob that threatens to escape  .  but instead she moves closer  ,  one hand finding the back of his neck as lips brush softly against his lips  ,  lingering for a moment  ,  words a song against his lips  .  ‘  tell me you love me  &  i will never leave you  .  ‘

          it was the same old story with them. this back and forth of them professing their feelings but ultimately coming to the conclusion that nothing had changed –– not that it ever would. although, he couldn’t pretend that something inside him hadn’t snapped when she sought refugee in the arms of another. it pained his very core to see her move on from him; especially when he was nowhere near ready to let her go. would he ever be? not even he knew the answer to that.

           ❛ do you think i want things to be this hard? ❜ lips tightened to the point where they turned white, though his gaze never wavered. ❛ do you think i don’t question my decision every damn day? ❜ he was trying his hardest to rationalize it all, but it was near impossible when she was this close to him and the familiar scent of her fragrance drew him in even more.

          he had a reasonable explanation for everything she’d said; or at least, he thought he did. at that particular moment, he couldn’t remember a single one of them. hearing his name leave her lips the way it did– it was something he’d longed for more than anything the past few months. something he didn’t think he had the right to; not because she was with someone else at the time, but because he didn’t deserve it, not after everything he’d put her through.

( some meme lost in a sea of memes. )

    ❛ oh. ❜ it hadn’t been the response he’d been expecting. it took everything in him to remain perfectly still; lips purposely tightening into a firm line as though he was utterly indifferent to the news. but inside –– oh, inside he erupted with joy.

     ❛ did you tell him we’re parabatai? ❜ cameron didn’t appear to be the smartest tool in the shed as it was. if he was envious of what him and emma had ––– two people who were forbidden to harbor any kind of feelings for each other that weren’t purely platonic, he had to be as dense as any ravener demon out there.

     ❛ it’s probably for the best, em. you should be focusing on your training anyway; you can’t afford that kind of distraction. ❜ not that julian would’ve said no if she’d asked him to be her distraction. ugh, what was wrong with him? what would emma think if she knew the repulsing thoughts that consumed his mind lately?