There are some situations in which you could address or express something either through writing or discussion. But you have to stop to think about the nature of things, like if response would be worth it, positive or negative, etc. Also, you have to protect what's actually a part of your world. There is so much on the outside to affect it poorly, directly or indirectly, so why contribute to that yourself? If I am bothered or worried about something that I rationally shouldn't be, I try to remember to ask myself why I feel the way I do. If I can answer that, and honestly, I then try to decide if there is something I can do about it that is either positive, useful, or necessary. If the answer is no, then I know this is a particular thing I have to let go. If it involves other people to a great degree, I remember that everyone involved in any given situation knows the truth of the matter, and that should be what matters most. I remember growing up having the opportunity to verbally battle people in situations but had no desire to, because I somehow understood then that people can say and do all sorts of things to make themselves or a situation appear a certain way to others. And I comprehended that a person loses by default if what is important to them is how others see them or their situation. If it isn't a matter of justice, rights, or a dire need to understand one another in family/work/personal relationships, it can often be simply acknowledged and released. That is something I grasped long ago but can forget these days. We can falter in placing our energy where it would be best used, and that is completely understandable. Overall, what others think and feel (usually with a partial picture or understanding) doesn't bring us inner peace. Or better yet, as the saying goes, what one person eats doesn't make the next person shit. The other side of the coin should be acknowledged as well: in everyday situations, what others think/do/say also does not bring us instability, destruction, etc. Besides, people rarely are honest about that ball of shame, hurt, anger, loneliness, and vulnerability that lies inside. The ball that  some do everything in their power to disguise as strength, happiness, and maybe even indifference. So although looks, opinions, etc may make you uncomfortable, upset, whatever - you're not solo in the situation. The other person clearly has issues. Whether if it comes to randoms, people you once knew, or those you only sort of deal with, let others figure out why they react a certain way to things that you are not or are no longer a part of. Focus on growing and nourishing your life that they in turn are no longer or never were a part of.

From our Mardi Gras trip last month. 

Random tagging, 2012

I had a thing for photographing headstones. Actually met Elias while prospecting some in a graveyard outside of a church.

I didn’t realize anyone followed this blog, so feel free to unfollow, as I’m using it to fulfill a request for modeling photos, so there will be a lot of me. 

stage two: anger muse - hoodoo Come into my life, regress into a dream. We will hide, build a new reality. Draw another picture of the life you could have had. Follow your instincts and choose the other path. You should never be afraid. You're protected from trouble and pain. Why, why is this a crisis in your eyes again? Come to be, how did it come to be? Tied to a railroad, no love to set us free. Watch our souls fade away. Let our bodies crumble away. Don't be afraid, I will take the blow for you. And I've had recurring nightmares, that I was loved for who I am and missed the opportunity to be a better man. stage three: bargaining moonbootica ft. chris corner - pretty little angel Pretty little angel, can we play your game? I will be gentle, I will move to your pace. Show me the reaction, come home with me. Oh, give me some attention. I was made for you and built to please. stage four: depression ellie goulding - my blood That feeling that doesn't go away just did and I walked a thousand miles to prove it. And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts, the color of my blood is all I see on the rocks. As you sail from me, alarms will ring for eternity. The waves will break every chain on me. My bones will bleach, my flesh will flee, so help my lifeless frame to breathe. stage five: acceptance mndr - feed me diamonds Lie with me, lie to me. Come on, dismantle me, do it slowly. My hands, my feet, my voice, take everything. Reduce it all to crystal blackness, 'cause blind discipline is useless. What's the good in being good? So go ahead, feed me diamonds. what ted now sings in the shower neon trees - in the next room You make love to everything you touch. It's a natural reaction, it's a sexual attraction. You play me like I am made of strings. I'm the violin, a melody I want your lips to sing. If you only knew how hard it is to handle, how bad I want this scandal.

so, it's really cold today and it's one of those evenings i wish i could sit and have coffee with you, maybe some tea. a blanket. i forget how much i like sitting by the heat when the outside forces you inside. you appreciate your place, notice it more. it just seems warmer despite being cold outside. i guess the warmth is more than physical. swear i'm not trying to be poetic. i just think i sort of failed to be affected by these kinds of things for a while, the way i used to. it's crazy, all the little things you can stop noticing, stop feeling. i think my little rants are just a bunch of words that fill in for likely a few simple words that i can't find at the moment. now, that is a feeling i will always appreciate - finding the exact right words. i know you know what i mean. i feel i say so much needless shit lately. perhaps i should take a vow of silence or limit my characters like in a text box, haha. you know, i spied some of your interaction with the professor and it was nice. he gets you, i think. and you're getting him. it's null and void, i know, but ... well, i think i lost my train of thought there. anyway, do you ever have those days where nothing fits? like, where you're not connecting with the people in your life? i can't imagine you having that problem much. i have these parts of myself that sort of fit parts of other people and most days that's enough. or at least i make it enough. i make it good enough. and i know that isn't fair, because i'm sure i leave them all dissatisfied as well. i have this vision of someone adjusting themselves either by means of molding like clay or bending like wire until they fit.

And it let's me know that all I have to do is open my eyes a little further and see that I'm not just Him.  Indifferent, hollow, dishonest.  I've existed painless, joyful, pure.

I really like me and Bette's dynamic most of the time, but we don't talk about personal shit too much, and right now, I have absolutely no problem with that. 

I think the feeling I'm feeling is ... well, I think I miss him.  I suppose I realized his rarest, greatest qualities a little too late.  And I think I'm feeling this way mostly because I feel as if I'm not connecting with people lately.  That was never a problem with him.  Of course it isn't the supposedly gut-wrenching connection Kevin describes, but it was real, unforced, and it was nice.  Most days.