Arting at the Dinner Table @artingatthedinnertable - Tumblr Blog

Just dropped my toenail clippers in my morning coffee. It’s gonna be a good day.

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I’ve already unwrapped all the thoughts & prayers. Now off to don a white dress and dunk my head in the toilet … How do you celebrate your baptism birthday?

#RecoveringLutheran #baptismblr #give me the blood Eli

I’m tired of apologizing for being my true self. I farted in the office today & I am not going to say excuse me.

#hearts for farts #fart story

If you’re over 70 & the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s elder abuse.

#🌙

Re: 3,000 Years of Longing

No way the Queen of Sheba passes on Idris Elba for the “let’s bisect a baby” guy.

#willing suspension of disbelief denied

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Frogged a project & now it looks like I’m making the severed arm of an acrylic golem

#happy accidents

Anyone else using “I’m gonna sweat later” as an excuse for not showering?

#hi jean

New rock for my rock collection!

#counting my blessings: air compressor was stolen but the hemorrhoid pillow is safe 😮‍💨#is this a sign from the universe that I should’ve been a geologist?#🪨#oh wait it’s just a chunk of street curb #guess the universe is telling me to work in city planning

The new roommate

#was here for only a day last September then disappeared #throwback

I’m going to start saying “my eyeballs are peeing” whenever I start to cry because no one ever asks, “why are you peeing?”

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😢❓

🤷🏼💨

If you’re feeling low, here’s a suggestion from the 5yo who lives in my brain:

Search “colonoscopy farts” on YouTube.

Nothing has brought me more joy (or made hospitals less intimidating) than watching ppl film their loopy, post-colonoscopy loved ones release audacious air farts into the world …

#hearts for farts

It. Is. finished.

#croCher #Cher-ing is caring

Mood Board in F Minor

#i should be working #cat fan

Oh, Cher she is! Just 15 rows to go!

#almostwipped #croCher #crochet wip #Cher #crochetblr #Cherblr #crochet

We’re almost Cher! 🤩 🧶 Just 25 rows to go! 🥳

#croCher #crochet #wip #wip crochet #Cher #crochetblr

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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.

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Caramel blood is on my hands … and my eyeglasses.

Found said glasses in the trashcan at my bedside surrounded by the 40-odd husks of Harvest Apple candy chews that I killed last night.

Services to be held at St. Werther’s Original Cathedral, 6:30 Sunday evening. The families have asked me not to attend.

Happy try-avoiding-the candy-aisles season!

#Halloween candy woes #caramelized glasses

“Who Wears Shart Shorts?”

Episode 1, fake Season 3, of my fake new show Shart Watch starts tonight on Fizzney Plus!

Kelly takes a laxative and a long road trip. Meanwhile, Kevin’s locked at home gorging on beans and Toby’s got a case of the poop Mondays (aka diarrhea).

Who will lose their shit first? Tune in at 11 to find out.

#my fake tv series #shart watch #Netflix and spill #poop humor #amipoorumi #my fake tv series is based on the very real events of me sharting myself while in the college library and on my honeymoon #old wounds #💩post

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