Emanuelle de Bree

bare foot, feeling the grass,
tickling underneath her feet
as she wore the smell of fresh cut grass
like perfume on her body.


•


vacantly, she stared into a color changing sky
taking her steps carefully,
as she couldn’t help but smile,
while it was chaos, that lived within.


•


And how she breaths her dreams like air,
forgetting the existents of nightmares,
made her wonder, wonder what the purpose could be,
of still standing here in a world full of confusion.


•


And so she felt it..
Every single rain drop,
leaving soft kisses on those flushed cheeks,
as they continued dripping down her jawline.


•


And for once she felt one with this stormy weather,
where adventure pursue circulating trough her veins.
And to be blown by a heavy gust of wind,
to never know where you’ll end up to..
was how she felt… lost?


•


But to be lost.. don’t you at least need to know,
what your destination’s supposed to be?
oh, how hard she tried to wake up,
while being wide awake.


•


Her heart was chaos it self,
burning her as soon as she tried to flush it off.
And by not wanting to fight this lost battle again..
she created a campfire instead.


•


Craving the burns,
for she wasn’t cold enough?
Making her feel disconnected from this world..
Was what made her feel,
alive.


And so she smiled,

even though it felt like

her world was falling apart.

By accepting and letting it hurt her.

Allowing these forgotten thoughts and pieces,

reflecting all that pain and missery to break her.

Breaking her by taking the risk,

instead of burying them alive.. again.

Cause, what’s the purpose

of living on a cemetery anyway?

Facing those same never ending fears,

over and over again.

The anxiety crushing and destroying you

by everything you thought were expunged by time..

Oh, how she finally changed her vision

by giving them water,

with every teardrop she owned.

Falling on to her knees,

made her look over this brute, dull place.

Questioning herself,

what has become of her garden.

For once it used to be her paradise,

Her own creation of success and growth.

But it all developed in to a dark place.

And so became her mind.

No flower was able to grow,

so they all started to drown in those tears.

And how she wanted to save them all,

by searching for that light,

that small light that used to be enough..

Rushing to the other side,

observing how fast the ground was changing into quicksand..

She tumbled down before she got there.

Causing her to face her own reflection,

into a puddle of muddy water.

Making it splash by her own salty tears,

that she could taste on her now dry lips.

But by seeing this clear shimmer in this reflection,

She came by the realization,

that there was no such thing as a magical light.

Because all it turned out to be,

was nothing else but,

Her.

A soft enjoyable silence,


That’s where her colorful thoughts,


became the eye-catcher.


Making you wonder,


how much more there could be,


behind those brown glassy eyes of hers.


But al she gave was a stare with rare emotion,


scared you’d step on everything,


with your rushed unwiped feet too..

I tried to hate you,


How much easier it must be..


But I’m soft,


I’m forgivable..


But not to myself.


Because I can’t stop hating myself,


For not hating you..

You said you cared,


You said you’d never hurt me.


But it all started when you didn’t wipe your feet when you walked in,


and now these footprints won’t stop haunting me..

Unlocking these small windows of hers,


didn’t make her see people, nor buildings.


But personalities, artistry and creations.


Trees, losing their beautiful colors, creating a blanket of warmth and safety underneath her feet.


Made her wander, wander off in thoughts of how amazing it would be, to spread her wings..


Free, to observe everything from a whole new perspective.


And just as these eyes popped open, she glanced at the ground once more..


Not because she was going to miss it, but as a reminder,


of how colorful the rest of the world could be when she remembers how to fly..

Trading out, of this comfortzone of hers..


only made her realize that feeling safe, had nothing to do with this familiar location.


But those far thoughts, hidden in the clouds which are to roam and observe about.


Wrapped in the colors green, blue and gray,


that represent the essence of a personality that is behold.


And these visible curves of this beholden personality,


shaped by the edges and curles over this body.


Make this endless beauty as it is designed to be,


Behind this thick layer of mist it's hidden far off to.


And so she still looked up at the stars stars,


Realizing that it was the chaos, that made her dream to big.


And it wasn't the cold that made her shiver,


but the emptyness she felt while leaving her comfortzone once again.

“Just follow your heart" they said..


Leaving me all desperate,


since my heart deceived me before.


Causing it to shatter one more time..


And as I watch how these small pointed

crystals fly and rattle all over this empty place, makes me admire,


how they still kept shining trough this dark cloudy day.


But the longer I kept staring at them,


te more it made me wonder..


"which shard do I follow?”

you took my breath away,


by confusing me.


You, with your smooth words.


It wasn't your beautiful smile,


that made me feel breathless..


But the way you touched me,


without using your hands.


By how you sprinkled salt into my open wounds,


making my skin burst once again.


Made me doubting,


made me feel like a fool.


And still I loved you.


You, for being you.


For who I thought you could be..

So here I lay


Wondering, why


why I let you hurt me this easily


It's like, being afraid to let you in, and..


Trying my hardest


To forget and reconnect


My thoughts, my mind..


Seeing a glimpse of yours


would have been enough


But still you choose to hurt me


Hurting me by shutting me out.


And maybe, just maybe


It's not about,


being afraid to love?


But being loved..

My mind goes blind, I can't see or hear.


I’m to numb to feel.


I walk barefoot trough these sharp pointed grind stones.


They're trying to wound me,


But I'm to numb to feel.


Oh where, where does this lead me? Where do you want me to be?


So numb.. I can't hear my own voice,

screaming, that I need to now open my glued shut eyes..


Not making me able to cry,


So.., I rather keep them shut for you, for them..


Scared you would be able to see trough,


These lost vacant eyes of mine.


Where am I? Confusion, watching me carefully as it's trying to grab me by the hand.


I start running but all these roads leading me to nowhere.


But that same old familiar dead end.


Life passing by and not wanting to feel, not wanting to realize or remember.


Staying numb is all I'm good at, 'cause its all I would feel?


My mind is like a labyrinth.. but where, where is the exit..?


Did I close it a long time ago?


With no way out making me run in circles,

letting things hit me over and over again.


Making the same mistakes and to keep building.. became my hobby.


And oh, how I just wanted to hide. For I wasn't made for this world, so I just stayed here and created this one for my own.


Where I can breathe, and be safe from all these dark thoughts that cutted of the things I loved the most..


Causing me to feel what I wasn't supposed to be feeling.. Feeling.. it became my enemy.


Maybe, staying friends with my enemy was what made me build these walls so high..?


High enough so they would give up on me before they even tried to climb over my towering walls.


That's what they'll do anyway, isn't it?


So why not hide and stay numb?


Since numb is all I can be..


And for now I'd rather be.

Thinking of you is my addiction


There’s no cure since you’re the solution,


yet the cause, but thats only my conviction


Oh my Darling, the way you make me feel..


it just seems to beautiful


to be even real


When you look at me


Such a strange feeling I get,


So weird, yet so unique


Yes, this all started the day we met


Oh why.. Why can’t you just hold me?


Wrap your arms around mine,


they’re my home, Home.. That’s where I want to be..


And here I am,


still trying to fall asleep


in this early 5AM


Craving to feel your heartbeat


While laying on your chest


Maybe then, I would be able to get some rest


And when I do, just simply whisper in my ear


That everything’s going to be alright


Oh, Your voice.. that’s all I want to hear..


You’re so far away,


but still so near..


Each day, is a step closer to you


Oh could that final day just appear


Thinking of you makes my heart melt,


You’re the only thing on my mind..


Cuz Loving you.. is the best feeling I ever felt<3

I have a dare for you


Just listen


It isn't that difficult to do


I'll try to keep it short


But remember


It's all about the effort


Just simply close your eyes


And Imagine yourself,


Walking for miles


First you might think you're all alone


But I am there too


Allow yourself to feel it..In every bone


Please find me! Is what I scream..


but you can't hear me.


Probably thinking it's just a dream


But hold on, do you see that path?


And no, that distance..


It can't be discovered with your math


Just keep on walking,


I may give you a clue


But remember thats all up to you


I'll tell you a secret


It's only for your heart to hear


Maybe you are even almost near


To some paths comes an end..


And when its time, you'll see a new one


But please don't forget to connect and blend


Imagine those steps might be,


Connected to your heartbeat..


How loud would yours echo to me?


You'll find me,


But I Won't tell where


This will show how much you care


There is absolutely nothing that you can't


But when you finally hear me


Please just take me by the hand


One heartbeat


Thats all you can hear


Aren't you curious where this might lead?


Oh that beautiful sound,


If only you knew..


That it wasn't exactly what you found


But what If I told you I'm still holding your hand?
Two hearts that became one..


Maybe thats what I ment?


I start walking.. while I close my eyes


Oh this adventure,


May even take you by surprise


In the beginning you may frown


But this time,


you dont have to walk it on your own<3

Do you know what it feels like,


When something's missing?


And you just can't stop wondering


Why do I feel this way..?


Why can't I stop thinking,


About how it would've been if I did stay?


Would we've been together?


Would we still talk?


would we even see each other?


staring at nothing but a wall,


wanting to hear your voice so bad


but just can't press on that call


Oh what did you do to me?


I want to get lost in your arms


Next to you, thats where i want to be..


A small smile takes over my lips,


Wondering how yours would kiss


Still I'm trying to get some sleep


But how is that even possible,


if it's you that I miss..<3