Valentine’s Day has been taking the outside world by storm recently, and because of that, many of you, dear readers, may have noticed something else in your mailbox. And no, it’s not a glitter bomb with gunpowder like last year’s April Fool’s joke.
For those who have not received it or have not even taken out the paper from the mailbox (Meiling, you are the gatekeeper. The box is literally right next to your post, and you never emptied it), I have sent out a matchmaker test for you hopeless incels that want to stalk the next person they think is compatible with them.
These matchmakers are and were never serious; this was only meant to be a fun social experiment. But the majority of you are just too gross with your additions in the “other notes” section of the matchmaker.
Like, holy shit, calm the fuck down. I almost feel sorry for the lot of you and am *this* close to asking the Kappa to make an actual matchmaker machine that you can pay to hook you up with someone.
But without further ado, here are the most notable results of said test:
Hakurei Reimu: Her test came up blank since she didn’t actually complete it. She just scribbled the words “PISS OFF” across the entire paper. Which we think is unprofessional and insensitive.
Kirisame Marisa: Her results indicate that she has an intense attraction to collecting mushrooms and stealing books from Patchouli Knowledge’s library, so we’ll interpret that as a 90% compatibility (even though Patchouli Knowledge has refused to submit her results).
Cirno: Her results say that she’s compatible with literally everyone in the roster, but that’s because she scribbled the number “9” on every box, even though it was only supposed to be marked. We’ll assume that each “9” is a mark and therefore she is compatible with everyone.
Daiyousei: She hasn’t submitted any test results, but since Cirno is compatible with everyone, we can assume their compatibility is 100%.
Alice Margatroid: Unsurprisingly, her test result was the only one we did not have to interpret, since she answered all prompts concisely. With that said, her results indicate that she is most compatible with Kirisame Marisa at a wondrous 87%. Alice’s main interests that align with Marisa’s are magic, mushrooms, reading, and Patchouli Knowledge.
Remilia Scarlet: Her results weren’t actually taken from the test itself; instead, she sent a 500-page fanfiction between herself and Komeiji Satori, so we can only assume their compatibility is 100%.
Flandre Scarlet: Her results indicate she doesn’t understand the concept of Valentine’s Day, as all she sent back was an envelope full of ashes and a cute drawing of herself and her toy bear, presumably drawn in blood.
Komeiji Satori: Her results only came back with the name, “Remilia Scarlet,” so take that as you will.
That is all for the most notable results. If you feel bad that yours didn’t end up on the front page, then you should, weirdo. Those who have provided a return address will receive their results by mail.
This has been the Bunbunmaru. If the news isn’t fast enough, then that’s your problem.
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