diary of a dirt pile

If love is fleeting

Is it something u can grab

Or notice when its taken flight

It is an oil slicken feathered monster

So large it hurts to look at

Formed and moulded from desperate

Petnames, texts, invitations

And rewound memories

Cursing dreams when

The beast will ignite

At the touch of yearning

Of urgency

Of my legs tangled within yours in my bed

The reflection of myself in your eyes knowing you can see the same in me

Shared drinks, a hand home

Its all fuel

Toxic, sweet urgent fuel

We are stoic in nature

Taking up so much within ourselves

Fears and worries emburdening this silence

Not only to fill a room but fill a year

Someone I came to share so much with

Did I ever share at all?

What even happend, and what was fallacy?

And when we meet again, we'll hold our heads high

Hide all of the sorrows and pitfalls,

Bury that kiss

And go have a drink

.

.

.

Is it good

And do you like it

If I crack my hips

Would that be right

I try to read between the twitches of your lips

And I dont want a hug

A half-assed apology or some soft spoken pity

I just want you to be honest with me tonight

Cause all my bones hurt

My mind keeps me awake

With all the big an small stupid mistakes

Not even the rain in this here storm could wash away

Tomorrow I'll trip over, scrape up my leg

just to

Have something else to fixate

Stuck in this cycle of violent self hate

I ruminate on every

Fitness influencer

Body inspo

Gay porn magazine

I know every single image and none of them reflect me

I'll try lifting then some running

Skipping meals like I was young

I cant compete with the fantasy

I love quietly and desperate

This type of love is fixed inside of me

Leaks from my finger tips

Drips down my legs

I am ashamed and unsure

How to hold and how to be held

This love is sincere and stupid

Printed youth staining my heart

Shallow breathing cocktailed with my attempts to jutt a word into her conversations

Never to speak the same as I write

This love is too much for me

And not enough for her

Until the last day runs

I am emptied of reason

That hot steel ladel scooping more of me into your cupped palms

I will love

I will love

I know you have to go

Its wrong of me to ask you to stay

Yet I feel like a child whos had their teddy snatched up

Grabbing at air

Watching everything I love leave me

I know this is hard

The stakes arent simple

To drive you hundreds of kilometres away

I'll wait for the cool down

I'll cry quiet in the night

Let you tell me your plans over and over until the words are so repeated they feel secure

But I won't let you hug me

For the fear I won't let you go.

Who am I to bring to parties

Who will drive with me into the night

Or giggle about sex and love and books and everything else

No ones left to pull me out when I'm in over my head

Or leave coffee cups around the house

Or laugh so loud I feel it from a room with a closed door

Truth be told I feel as though

A piece of myself has been ripped

Raw off the bone and is being dragged out those very doors

Who will ask me to roll a thousand cigerettes

And break into my room to talk about dumb girls

Or go into every photo both in the city

Over dress for casual occasions

Or sit with me quietly,

Just to enjoy a meal.

Its not the same without you,

It won't be the same

Your food will stay in the fridge

Your hair by the bathroom sink

A stray sock lodged within the couch

Glitter from an old party we went to smudged on your carpet

A soft scratch on a pillar you hit moving your desk in

You sleep mere rooms away from me

And I miss you though you haven't left

//////

.

.

.

.

A circle of stars that fits around

My index finger

I've never looked at a lover the way I'm supposed to

Never felt

The tell told tingles

Or stomach butterflies

However I long for her like I do winter after a harsh stretch of heat

And I need her like my favourite hoodie

Or a long nap when I'm beat

The club is dark

My hands are cold

Maybe I will never be certain

But atleast I can find comfort

Knowing that love lives within

My friends

Everything feels so distorted

All these words are only lies

All my secrets stand as statements

The world holds my shame in its hands

Brands the letters to bark

What does it feel like to be in love

The freeing kind

Why do I puppetise myself

What would i feel like to be a real person

Light, sweet and

A little bit bashful

/////

will I be a shell of what I once was?

stuck drabbling stories of drunken nights and

past fulfilment

only watching decades old

tv shows,

pushing nostalgia of my time

trials and tribulations

onto younger people,

an unrecognisable, textured face

lived with years of sun and smiling

when people the age I am when I write this seem like children

and slowly the end

A type of sadness fixed onto me

The dark night is so lonely

And I am old, grown

No friends sleep in my bed

No mother sings me to sleep

Untethered, purposeless and dull

Ill wander on all fours for a semblance of being alive

To cut my palms on hard cement where kids walk to school

There's an emptiness inside of me

Where youth used to warm my cheeks

Breathe the day in so tender

Now I lie awake

Not a tear can come to my eye

In my empty empty bed

.

.

The resent will seep in

Like water does to paper

I cannot stop it

Nor undo its permanent creases

Shrivelled time

The spiral of certain doom

I see the signs

The disconnect

Since when did my friends become strangers?

Have I lost everyone alongside myself?

If I speak will the voice that represents the me inside of me be honest,

Or work to preserve the shattered remains of whatever this is

As the resentment grows,

I sit calm and fearful

So aware and so unable to stop it

Food rotts

Friends fade

Such is the cycle

But what a shame I never got to hold my dear friend in my arms before we don't recognise the people we've become

.

.

.

.

.

A/N

From them renders me soft or on edge

Nor how a hug envelopes me at all-

Is it tight and desperate

Or gentle and sweet

My love has been for a ghost,

That now I fear to lay to rest

When the memory of your face falters in my thoughts

I wonder how it will be when you've faded from my mind

.

.

.

.

The love that I long for is a friend I grew up with

A friend I sat on the sidelines with during sport class

And giggled about boys and girls

Behind our books

And I've never missed the arms of an ex lover,

The love that I long for is pure and simple

Its the burn that I feel when I see her smile

Knowing she is happy brings me peace

Yet a part of me withers knowing we arent happy within each others lives

And is it over?

When I never said goodbye

And I cant remember when was the last time we spoke

Or did I live in a friendship so far away it doesn't matter?

Desperate I try to knit a web where I can hold inside all the people I've ever held that feeling with,

And with every silk thread I tangle further,

Another snaps and falls away

You liked my post.

I like yours

We used to talk for hours worried about the people we'd become.

I hope you know I still smile at the mention of your name.

////

I am the dirt stuck to the bottom of your shoe-

Desperate to stay

And as long as you stay none the wiser, i can

Until you scuff me from your grasp

Where I cannot sleep and the express

Of thoughts drags me awake

And the thought tonight is that

I will never be a child with my mother again

I'll never wait on the neon car track mat for her in kindy,

Or cry as she braids my hair

Or give her all the hard forms and all the hard jobs- like doctors visits and back to school shopping

And though we never had the type of bond other mothers had with their children,

I do recognise there were pieces of love in it.

So now I wonder,

As an animal ripped from the arms of security

If I can ever be so docile again.

Can I tire easily, or trust without doubt

Be stupid, and curious, and funny, and totally unaware?

It was such bliss, I miss it.

Adulthood turns us starched and sharp

Ready to snap and snarl.

I guess I have lost the ability to be totally innocent with another person,

The express reminds me of what men do to those who dont clench their fists, or lock car doors

But maybe this midnight as I sit infront of the mirror

Drawing my finger across over the lines that have aged me

I can pretend there is another person

I feel sticky and tired

Like my brain has melted

And something deep inside of me has rotted to the core

Today I saw the boys set up the cafe across the street-

All bright eyes and eager

I dread weekends.

I hate them now,

I know Ill just be worked to death,

Dragged on a leash.

There are people with suitcases, wrapped in coats and scarves seeking taxis

To far away places.

I long for how it feels to be eager,

To breath in each day

And long for every waking morning

I need someone to hold my shoulder while I gentle cry into the end of this night-

A need a warm meal and one of those conversations about the future you have with your friends all starry-eyes and hopeful

....

When I am tired

He lets me sleep

And when I am hungry he lets me eat

And when he is hungry

I let him eat me

And I'll spoon feed mouthfulls of myself into him

And thank him for every bite

Apologise when I stain his teeth

And cower when I'm not sweet,

Or when a seed gets caught on his tongue

I live like I have done something wrong

And all my sins,

All the secrets I have never told

Every bad thought

Every time I made myself forget,

Like history will repeat itself

I say I am sorry like the first pour of rain

I ask for forgiveness like a child asks its mother to hold their hand on the first day of kindergarden.

Yet still,

I Bleed, I swear, I fall

I make mistakes, I get jealous

I breakdown and lose my words

I cry silent and soft

And you ask me to be loud

To let you hear me, and soothe my aching back.

When I am tired he hold me in his arms,

And when I am hungry I feel safe to eat

He waits for me patiently like a dog

And I love him like one.

If God is willing and my heart doesnt stop

I may stay here forver,

Eating his fruit

And tying his hair to mine

////